Sociopath Or Something Else?Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if people are right about me.. Maybe I really am just a cold, heartless person, or maybe I'm something else.
I've come to notice that a lot of my unlikable characteristics are unchanging.
A few people in my life have labeled me a sociopath, or have pointed out many antisocial personality traits in me.
I'm going to try to profile myself as ob
I come across as uncaring and detached most of the time. Things that should evoke some sort of emotion do not. Death, sickness. I am never disconcerted by things that are usually very upsetting to most people. I don't cry at funerals, and I've been faced with terminal illness in the family and haven't been troubled by the thought of them passing. My mother often asks me is, "Do you care about anything? What do you care about?" And when faced with this question by others, I come up blank.
Feelings of depression or emptiness are constant. Nothing ever satisfies me. Nothing is ever enough. I need to be constantly entertained and stimulated. Many of the people in my life, "friends", coworkers, family members, have noticed that I'm not all there. I'm always somewhere else, I'm in my head.
As far as family goes, I exploit them. I spend a lot of time with my mother. She thinks we are very close. She talks to me, I never listen, I'm somewhere else, I'm listening to my music. What she says is not important to me. She wants to be social. Nonetheless, I accompany her because she does whatever I want. She wants a shopping buddy, I want her to buy me things. That's it. Sometimes, I get my sister to help me with projects for school, or ask her to assist me in something. She does it for me gladly, but I never return the favor.
I've never been good at keeping relationships. Friendships and relationships are short lived. I have difficulty keeping in touch with the people in my life. I never go out of my way to keep my contacts. I'm simply uninterested. I lose friends, and partners. As far as romantic relationships go, I've never been able to keep a long term relationship. I've had about three or four lasting no more than 3 months maximum. The thing about relationships is, I only get into them when there is something in it for me. In all cases, I have never entered into a relationship because I was genuinely interested in the person. I do it to further advance myself, my professional pursuits, social status. When I get what I want I leave, or if the individual breaks up with me, and I haven't gotten what I wanted, I'm not particularly saddened, rather upset that I couldn't control the situation.
I am a loner, and honestly, I like it that way. I lack social interest. I noticed that most people are quite happy hanging out with other people and friends, where as I am not. Whenever someone wants to get together, or hang, I don't take pleasure. To me, spending time with others is more of a chore. When I'm out with someone, I'm not thinking about how much fun I'm having, or am going to have, how I can't wait to do it again, and how I wish it would never end. In my head I'm thinking, "I can't wait for the day to end, can't wait to get out of this situation and return home to be by myself." I like my space.
I can't empathize with others. Things evoke little to no emotion in me. I don't care, because I don't understand, I can't really feel what others feel. There is only me.. I am selfish, I am vain. I only think about how things will benefit me, how they affect me, but no one or nothing else. If I hurt someone in the process, I never feel bad about it. A friend of mine I've known for six years told me that she thinks everyone in my life is dispensable to me. She hated that. Told me that I use people and throw them away when I'm done. She was one of the only person outside of my family that came close enough to see what I was.
Perhaps, I'm repeating myself. I'm only trying to be as thorough as possible.
I should note that in no way am I a good actor. Well, that may not be entirely true. As first blush, many people think of me as quite sweet, and charming, and kind... until they get to know me. The adjectives used later turn into, manipulative, twisted, sick, and selfish. I don't like to pretend, because I don't feel I have anything to hide. Why should I? Why would I pretend, when I don't care.
Back to the acting, I am an aspiring songwriter/singer. I've always had trouble with being sincere. I can write the words, show you what something feels like, or what something's supposed to feel like, but I can never make you believe it. I don't believe it. I don't have the honesty, and the "feeling" that good singers/performers have, because I don't know how to feel it. My producer used to make me rerecord the same lines over and over again until I got it right. He never believed my "emotions". I couldn't fake them, because I'd never felt them.
So, I'm curious, am I a sociopath? or am I just a detached, uncaring person?