A Simple Story

I really don't know if I'am a sociopath already or a budding one. Most often than not I always  have vision or dreams of people I don't know drenched in their own blood though I'm not quiet sure if I'am the one who inflicted them but what is certain is that for a period of time,I enjoy the scene. The pain, the misery, the hopelessness and the power I think I have over them. But since my parents are so religious that they brought me up not missing church activities and the likes and they even set me up to join youth groups at age 12 , I guess these thrill I have towards violence have always been suppressed by me. I know that what I'am thinking is wrong, tried very hard to change what I' am, how I think, what I like and don't like  and luckily up to now I only had  4- 5 instances that I have actually hurt someone/somebody. Regarding those incidents, I was able to control my rage after I guess 5 minutes of pure outburst as I have practiced having conscience after I had actually asphyxiated my mom.
For 7 years I totally changed myself, became and outdoorsy person, sociable and  had lots of friends, everything seemed to be okay at last, until recently when I found out I'am having early signs for blood lust. I hate seeing my ow blood, I freak out whenever it does happen but for others I don't know, I dislike seeing how they are hurt or killed, didn't even want to see their bodies, but for some reason, when they are already cleansed I like imagining that they are swimming in blood. Even when watching sports my lust for blood gets the best of me, I usually bet for the person who I know would bring so much damage to others. Currently I also liked making my pets fight each other or if not I would punish both of them.
So there's my story......For now I believe my ego is still capable of balancing my  id and superego that's why I'm still sane enough not to actually hurt others or if not feel remorse in doing or imagining doing it.
Ictus Ictus
1 Response May 6, 2012

you like blood and you choked your mom? so, tell me, how does this make you feel?<br />
<br />
I got a giggle out of it.

Blood agitates me. when I choked my mom, i really could not remember the incident my family just told and showed me what I did. I had selective amnesia that what they say. But now I thinking about it, maybe i was very angry when I did that then sudden and strong feeling of remorse. Remorse is something I still have fortunately.

you have...remorse? so you have guilt, therefore you must have empathy to?