That Empty....feeling?

The void I guess is a better phrase for it is simply nothingness...for it is not a feeling, as in "emotion" it just...is there...the acknowledgement that once again today...nothing sparked emotion....just like yesterday.....The nothing....where you know you are but a shell...a mass of arteries, organs bone and marrow...blood and veins. A heart that beats only to supply oxygen rich blood to the body...to the brain...the human super computer...which now and again "overloads" in an outburst of rage....The nothing is better than the rage....and the nothing is better than  the "pain" or the confusion...as I call it...the time where functionality was compromised...physical and mental functions ceased to an extent.. the nothing is that calm content phase I go through...where the only happenings in constant tick of my own mind..... but the nothing leads me to boredom also...which I feel frequently enough as it is...everyday...but this boredom comes with a voice...not it's own voice...but mine....it is that piece of me that says...."Go on, you know you want to...you know you will take pleasure from it....Do it!" that voice switches on some kind of auto pilot....where what I am doing suddenly stops...as I now prepare for what I am going to do. What I do varies...on the strength of the boredom....and how much it needs pleasing, thus enters those brief moments of excitement!. Once pleased we are back to nothing. 
APS9 APS9
36-40
2 Responses May 12, 2012

I honestly have no idea, it eludes me, as to what may be going on...but after reading both of these comments, I wonder if it is a mixture of what you both have said...<br />
As soon as a child can crawl, they start doing things they shouldn't be doing...and so the lessons begin...from infancy parents are telling their children: "don't do that.... because"<br />
Like "don't touch that...it will break" "don't grab the cat...you will hurt it" "don't say that....it's not nice"<br />
<br />
these lessons start young, before kids can even understand the words that are being said to them. Social conditioning them in to "knowing what's right and wrong" telling them what not to do and why.....so maybe they learn at the same time, how they should feel about it...and in the end how they "should" feel becomes how they "do" feel, when they do something wrong or something right for that matter.<br />
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for me though I remember being told not to hurt my friend...it was wrong and not nice (I was about 8 and trying to dislocate both of his arms because the game wasn't going my way) all I could think while being given this lesson was...<br />
<br />
"why are you telling what I already know?"..... I knew I was hurting him...it didn't matter to me that I was...I wouldn't have been doing it, if the intention was to not hurt him.<br />
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being told not to do that...because it was mean...made no sense to me at all...telling me to stop what I was doing, as if I didn't realise what I was doing....made no sense to me at all. No matter what it surrounded....my reaction in my head, or sometimes out loud was the same...."yeah I know...and what?"<br />
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so there are I guess those who are taught how to feel and then do feel and those that are taught, but just can't?<br />
so maybe all emotions are learned...but you have to understand them to learn them, and I do not understand them. Accept and...I know anger.

Ahh... now that's interesting. Hmm.. so many questions, but I'll pick the better of them. I always maintaned that I had no emotions. Because nothing happened to me no matter what happened around me. The only reason, however, I could say I have no emotion is because I imagined what empaths felt contained more than the "nothingness" I had. <br />
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Do you ever wonder if there really isn't "anything more"? Do you ever wonder if empaths just delude themselves into thinking that "emotions" are real? What if there truly is nothing, and we are just the only ones aware of it? Just a thought.