Misery Loves Company

My life i believe is officially not the same. Today I came out of the ..... unit. I tried for over three weeks to persuade the doctors in a mono- tone voice and looking withdrawn at times that i am a feelingless and could no longer live that way while they (the doc and my wife) were convinced that I have major depressive disorder and saying the emptiness is normal. I actually found out the truth about myself this year while being in my internship which i did not even finish but left without a word and postponed my school as well. I just could not relate to the staff there and it felt very akward. At times i did not even know what to say to them. I "feel" like people are judging me but i know it is only my thinking. I used be very agressive and one wrong look at me caused a problem. Sometimes for me and sometimes for another dude. When i drank agression reached a zenith. "Where the law ends I begin" was the saying. However then I came to States. My long lost parent introduced me to christianity and I became a frequent reader and eventually a believer. I actually cheated myself for a while thinking that Jesus will save me from the path of destruction. I even went to an open confession with the school priest and told him my dirty secrets (Now he is among those implicated in church scanals) go figure. I felt the "feeling of the holy spirit for entire 3 days" and then the normal I again. I only run on anger and fear. Fight or flight. I ended up in psych unit undergoing treatment which reasonably had no effect and merely came out with more meds then when i got there. I told the doc that i can not live without feelings. She (doc) thought I was delusional so she added abilify to my list of medications. "SOCIOpaths don't say they are sociopaths" she said. Well maybe i was the first one. So for few days I did not say anything but then resumed the same statements. I actually enjoyed being there as messed up as it sounds. I told my wife about the emptiness and that I am one of you guys but she told me not read too much stuff on internet cause it is not true. Somehow i believed her a bit but deeply i knew. I have drank and drugged for 21 years since age of 11 to escape myself and paralize society by my actions. As a soccer hooligan I destroyed, broken and burned what appeared to be fun at that time as well as got into fights (many). Since then I have became sober yet miserable. I always wanted to change and always wondered why i keep stumbling over the same rock. I want to belive but I can't. I want to change but that is impossible. What sucks is that i don't look much beyond tomorrow and i just know that i will fail as if watching a race and seeing the finish line before it takes place. I no longer want to hurt people or use them but i still do. I lie to myself. I try to be honest following the code of "morality" but at times i have no problem with that neither. I often fantisize about robbing and killing drug dealers and takin' their loot. I have sick mind. I too get easily bored and my hobbies change like weather. Currently I enjoy nothing. Used to have many buddies but not so anymore. Maybe I grew up a bit but i miss the good times and I would love to care, be a good person and be able to keep a steady job. Maybe SSD will do for now, I keep telling myself.
deleted deleted
1 Response May 21, 2012

Hmm. I still don't think you're in the right group. You sound suspicious, sad, and anxious in your life also alone. You sound like you need a shoulder to cry on.

Haahah that's wonderful. You should open office. How does partners in crime sound to you? LOl.