Suffer On Earth

I kind of knew I had no feelings but drinking and drugging created them. It is difficult to be around other people because it takes energy to put up the front. Emptiness is here to stay. It is no ******* game. For me it is even difficult to talk to anyone these days. I just am not sure how to communicate. I am shutting down. I say what is so good about it. Someone IM-ed me and said why be normal? It's no fun. Ooo yea. Maybe it's fun watching a movie about these people but actually being one is a hell on earth and the religion can not do better when these morans threaten with enternal fire.
This year i had learned a whole lot of things about my situation. it ain't pretty. I do not enjoy life today at least and tomorrow will reasonably be the same. Drugs or no drugs the truth blows big time. I keep researching various sites to find something good about the treatment but i can not change. My wife doesn't get it neither. "Sure you can". Maybe. Who ******* knows. Being over 30 I stopped hanging with old buddies and using drugs and my life is very diffent. All of the sudden I have nothing that I enjoy, nothing good to say about myself and a month ago all I kept thinking was how to do myself painlessly. Although I imagined different ways I doubt that I would actually go through it. It's difficult for any desisions these days.