Not So Loving Lover

Hi :) I've never done this before so y'all bear with me. I'm from a small town in Alabama. My family is very close and I am loved by many, many people. I, however, don't know if I really and truly love them. I have always known I was different from a very young age. I think I really realized exactly HOW different I was when my first puppy died. I can remember looking down at her and wanting to cry so badly, because that's what kids do when they lose a favorite pet, but I distinctly remember thinking, "WHY do I want to cry? What's the reason? What good will it do? Why do people cry?" What a strange thing for a seven year old to think. It dawned on me how silly I found such a small human act at such a young age. Of course, I didn't have any idea about personality disorders or anything to do with psychology, but I have always found myself drawn to it. In high school, I realized I had a knack for painting and doing nails professionally. It was only after I had graduated and began working in a beauty shop that I noticed I could pick people apart so easily. I THRIVED in my environment. It was almost too easy. I found myself manipulating everyone I came in contact with, just for fun. It was so easy that I didn't even realize I was really doing it. That's just who I was. I began talking to my close friends, the ones who i have an unexplainable closeness with (possibly because they're sociopaths also and maybe see enough good in me to let me in), and together we decided to do some research on sociopathy. I fit every diagnosis to a tee. While I am an avid deer hunter, I have never tortured anything worse than a bug and was far from a juvenile delinquent. I was a very charming and witty child, in fact. I fit every other narcissistic trait there is, though. It was fascinating and I was so relieved. There are so many people who feel exactly how I feel. It's insane. As I am not self-centered person to other people, I am very good at making others feel genuinely important. I almost feel as if that's my payment to society for my brain working at higher capacity than theirs or something. I don't feel as if I am the smartest, most intelligent person on the planet, but I feel as if I definately have an advantage over most because I can almost pinpoint the outcome of any situation because I can mold it in that direction so effortlessly. It's sites like this one that helped me figure out alot about myself and this disorder. And let me know I am not alone. I'm not sure how to help other people on here just yet, but I hope that sharing my story and how I'm coping/learning can possibly help someone else. I am currently enrolled in psychology as a major, so maybe, later on, I will be of much more assistance. :) Thanks for coming along with me as I embark on this new journey of mine :)
nblanks21 nblanks21
22-25
4 Responses May 22, 2012

One of the most interesting stories i have read yet and profoundly interesting to me. I am eager to read how your journey shapes.

nothing is heartless in the world of the true sociopath. Desperate weak people are easily played....what things have you done that are considered "socially unacceptable" and what is your remorse factor if any? of course I do mean for you to implicate yourself in any illegal events...so you can refrain from commenting there.

Interesting question :) I will not go into extreme detail, but I have had many planned events I have carried out that I didn't share with a single soul, mainly because I didn't feel like explaining how and why I came to the conclusions and intricate, fool-proof plans. I have never gotten caught in any revenge or humorous acts I have committed, though many were highly illegal. I've stolen, I've lied, I've cheated, I've played 'friends' against 'friends' for the love of the game, I've concocted many elaborate plans throughout my life to acquire any- and everything I've wanted (which makes me seems 'spoiled'). I have manipulated my parents and family to work to my advantage in numerous situations, such as buying and paying for a new car, which I am currently supposed to be making payments on, but since I have such poor money managing skills, I haven't made even a portion of a single payment in 3 years. My childhood was hell, so the least they can do is buy me a decent car. There's where the 'remorse' comes in. I honestly try to feel bad or sorry about the things I have done to people who love me, no matter the degree, but I think when I started realizing I should be more bothered (or at least a little bothered) by the things I've done is when I realized I had a serious problem and something was off. I will admit though, I hide it very well. I try to act 'sorry' and give genuine apologies, and every one comes off as real, but I don't even feel bad about lying about being sorry for whatever I am 'apologizing' for...

you sound like my kind of person ;)

I didn't necessarily mean "manipulating" in a malicious tone, just found myself playing with people and THEIR genuine feelings about whatever struggle they were going through or situation they wanted to relieve by telling me, their beautician, and knowing and telling them exactly what they wanted to hear, because somehow I just knew, but I did it whether it would be for their benefit or not. And 9/10 times, they followed my 'advice.' It was just so fascinating to me how people could just yearn for direction so badly because they felt 'weak' or like they couldn't make it through anything without someone telling them what to do. so I played with their desperation and thought, "Hell, why not..their situation's going to go one way or the other, and if she's so helpless she needs to rest her decision on a person she sees for 1 hour, every two weeks, I might as well tell her what I think will give her a better story to tell the next time she comes in so I don't have to listen to boring stories about her kids and dog." That may sound heartless, but I do not feel as if I am a 'WEAK' person and would never rest my life decisions on anyone but myself. So, if they ask, I make it interesting.

I THRIVED in my environment. It was almost too easy. I found myself manipulating everyone I came in contact with, just for fun. It was so easy that I didn't even realize I was really doing it. That's just who I was.<br />
<br />
we all try to impact how others will fell and what they will do...not sure if this is what you mean by manipulate...another thing to think about is were they just trying to be nice to you because its easier or were you really pulling one over on them...

I didn't necessarily mean "manipulating" in a malicious tone, just found myself playing with people and THEIR genuine feelings about whatever struggle they were going through or situation they wanted to relieve by telling me, their beautician, and knowing and telling them exactly what they wanted to hear, because somehow I just knew, but I did it whether it would be for their benefit or not. And 9/10 times, they followed my 'advice.' It was just so fascinating to me how people could just yearn for direction so badly because they felt 'weak' or like they couldn't make it through anything without someone telling them what to do. so I played with their desperation and thought, "Hell, why not..their situation's going to go one way or the other, and if she's so helpless she needs to rest her decision on a person she sees for 1 hour, every two weeks, I might as well tell her what I think will give her a better story to tell the next time she comes in so I don't have to listen to boring stories about her kids and dog." That may sound heartless, but I do not feel as if I am a 'WEAK' person and would never rest my life decisions on anyone but myself. So, if they ask, I make it interesting.

I see..well i think you did what many people do- and I don't think its sociopathic...I'm glad you are going into psychology - if you can learn to use the influence you have to help people find a better experience that will be a good thing! Good luck!