Diary Of A Sociopath.20/2/2013
Today was another tedious, pointless day at school. It's safe to say, as I'm getting older this mask is getting more annoying by the second. Everyone in my school is an idiot. Bustling around thinking they're perfect. I just feel like they need to meet me, the real me. 'Keep your head down, stay calm' I tell myself. It's hard, god it's so hard to stop myself lashing out at these idiots. I honestly don't know what goes on in their stupid little minds, they think the most pathetic things are funny and of course I have to pretend I do to.
Had a lovely conversation today, we got on to the conversation of sociopaths, me and my 'friends' that is, oh god, they didn't even realise they had one sitting next to them. They went on about how sociopaths think they're better than everyone else and how they have no emotions. It didn't bother me, obviously. But it just made me laugh at how naive they are. We do not think we are better than everyone, we just know we're more intelligent than everyone else, and if we use that intellect to make better lives for ourselves, it's understandable, I mean wouldn't you? Another thing that makes me laugh is the 'no emotions' thing. Of course we feel some emotions, if we want to. We can completely repress most emotions but we do have problems with anger, which is usually caused by frustration. I get frustrated easily because I need something to keep me busy, I need to be alone and I certainly don't want to be spending six hours a day with a bunch of immature thirteen year old girls. I am very mature for my age, I know that. I have the mind of a twenty year old but I try and act my age. Yes, us sociopaths in the young years do try and fit in. Usually until high school we can do so without many problems but during high school, you are either shunned for being the 'freak' that no-one likes, or forced into a group of people you are nothing like and have to put on a mask and hide your true self. Though the latter eradicates most possibilities of being physically abused and such, each decision is as tiring as the other, as you constantly have to put up with people never understanding you and never having the chance to be yourself.
I know that after high school, you have the main choices. Become a sociopathic murderer or try and repress the sociopath inside of you and try and live a normal life. It's safe to say, it is very hard for sociopaths to pick the second option. I know this from other sociopaths I have talked to. It is much better to embrace being a sociopath, but it is hard to do that without becoming cold and ruthless. From a reasonably young age sociopaths start to have fantasies about murder and excitement. It is hard not to let go and just run away as it is in our nature to be impulsive and in seek of something to keep us occupied. I have been having this problem for a few months now, just wanting to go into a city, find some people like me and just let myself free. I won't though, I won't give up on normal life yet. I know sociopathy grows as you get older and things will probably get a lot worse. At that time I will probably have to tell my parents what I am, I haven't told them yet because I doubt they'll believe me. I don't know how they haven't figured it out already. My anger is getting much worse, I'm constantly bored and I'm almost always alone in my room, trapped in my thoughts. To add to that I've been dropping hints for the last few weeks. 'I never intend to have a family, it sounds to boring, I'd much rather live on the edge'. 'I hate school mum, everyone is so stupid. I have to explain to them fifty times what I meant by what I said'. Yet they still don't realise, I think they have suspicions, but they're blinded by what they want to see, I mean who wants a sociopathic child?
I feel more distant from everyone lately, I'm seriously considering being home schooled as I can't keep this stupid mask of emotions and normal behaviour on all the time. It's tiring. I realise when I look back, I've never really had much emotion, I wonder what it's like. I can feel joy, when I'm doing something exciting and I can feel other dulled senses of emotion, but I have never felt love or sorrow or anything of the sort, just anger and annoyance. I realise now that my mask fooled even myself, I was so good at copying emotion, I thought I could be normal, whatever normal is. It's scary, when you first realise, no, not that your a sociopath, no. That you can't feel emotion. A family death, everyone else is crying, yet you feel no tears, no pain, so you mimic their emotions, because you know it's not normal to be fine in a situation like this. I was 8 when this happened to me. I fake-cried and pretended to be upset, I have done it more times since then. But other than when I have to, to keep the facade up, I never cry. I know when I need to 'feel' something like happiness or fear. I feel annoyance often, but only when it concerns me. Selfish I know, but I can hardly help it. If something annoys ME then I get so angry. But if something annoys someone else, my friends, I'm fine, I don't feel anything, I pretend to, sometimes but other times I just can't be bothered. They just think of me as 'laid back'. When people get into arguments and call people and me things like '****, *****', others get angry because they're offended. I just get annoyed at how pathetic and stupid everyone is.
Today has been a bad day. The mask was cracking today. It was good for a few hours, but I just got so annoyed with how idiotic everyone was being today, it cracked. I hardly talked for two hours and stayed inside my shell. I loved it. I didn't have to pretend to care, or take part in their silly little conversations, I was just thinking, without distraction. It was a sort of wistful thinking. I was thinking about what it would be like to meet a fellow sociopath or psychopath and just run and be free and not have to live as a 'normal' person. I do that a lot, create scenarios in my head, I guess it's not long until they start becoming murder fantasies. I have already discovered my love of blood.
I have yet to talk about the lying and manipulation. I am not a big manipulator as I have yet to come to that stage yet but I do lie, they are only small so far, but I do lie and feel a sort of satisfaction after I do. It is easy for me to lie, and people never suspect anything. It's a good feeling.