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Diary Of A Sociopath.

20/2/2013

Today was another tedious, pointless day at school. It's safe to say, as I'm getting older this mask is getting more annoying by the second. Everyone in my school is an idiot. Bustling around thinking they're perfect. I just feel like they need to meet me, the real me. 'Keep your head down, stay calm' I tell myself. It's hard, god it's so hard to stop myself lashing out at these idiots. I honestly don't know what goes on in their stupid little minds, they think the most pathetic things are funny and of course I have to pretend I do to.
Had a lovely conversation today, we got on to the conversation of sociopaths, me and my 'friends' that is, oh god, they didn't even realise they had one sitting next to them. They went on about how sociopaths think they're better than everyone else and how they have no emotions. It didn't bother me, obviously. But it just made me laugh at how naive they are. We do not think we are better than everyone, we just know we're more intelligent than everyone else, and if we use that intellect to make better lives for ourselves, it's understandable, I mean wouldn't you? Another thing that makes me laugh is the 'no emotions' thing. Of course we feel some emotions, if we want to. We can completely repress most emotions but we do have problems with anger, which is usually caused by frustration. I get frustrated easily because I need something to keep me busy, I need to be alone and I certainly don't want to be spending six hours a day with a bunch of immature thirteen year old girls. I am very mature for my age, I know that. I have the mind of a twenty year old but I try and act my age. Yes, us sociopaths in the young years do try and fit in. Usually until high school we can do so without many problems but during high school, you are either shunned for being the 'freak' that no-one likes, or forced into a group of people you are nothing like and have to put on a mask and hide your true self. Though the latter eradicates most possibilities of being physically abused and such, each decision is as tiring as the other, as you constantly have to put up with people never understanding you and never having the chance to be yourself.
I know that after high school, you have the main choices. Become a sociopathic murderer or try and repress the sociopath inside of you and try and live a normal life. It's safe to say, it is very hard for sociopaths to pick the second option. I know this from other sociopaths I have talked to. It is much better to embrace being a sociopath, but it is hard to do that without becoming cold and ruthless. From a reasonably young age sociopaths start to have fantasies about murder and excitement. It is hard not to let go and just run away as it is in our nature to be impulsive and in seek of something to keep us occupied. I have been having this problem for a few months now, just wanting to go into a city, find some people like me and just let myself free. I won't though, I won't give up on normal life yet. I know sociopathy grows as you get older and things will probably get a lot worse. At that time I will probably have to tell my parents what I am, I haven't told them yet because I doubt they'll believe me. I don't know how they haven't figured it out already. My anger is getting much worse, I'm constantly bored and I'm almost always alone in my room, trapped in my thoughts. To add to that I've been dropping hints for the last few weeks. 'I never intend to have a family, it sounds to boring, I'd much rather live on the edge'. 'I hate school mum, everyone is so stupid. I have to explain to them fifty times what I meant by what I said'. Yet they still don't realise, I think they have suspicions, but they're blinded by what they want to see, I mean who wants a sociopathic child?
I feel more distant from everyone lately, I'm seriously considering being home schooled as I can't keep this stupid mask of emotions and normal behaviour on all the time. It's tiring. I realise when I look back, I've never really had much emotion, I wonder what it's like. I can feel joy, when I'm doing something exciting and I can feel other dulled senses of emotion, but I have never felt love or sorrow or anything of the sort, just anger and annoyance. I realise now that my mask fooled even myself, I was so good at copying emotion, I thought I could be normal, whatever normal is. It's scary, when you first realise, no, not that your a sociopath, no. That you can't feel emotion. A family death, everyone else is crying, yet you feel no tears, no pain, so you mimic their emotions, because you know it's not normal to be fine in a situation like this. I was 8 when this happened to me. I fake-cried and pretended to be upset, I have done it more times since then. But other than when I have to, to keep the facade up, I never cry. I know when I need to 'feel' something like happiness or fear. I feel annoyance often, but only when it concerns me. Selfish I know, but I can hardly help it. If something annoys ME then I get so angry. But if something annoys someone else, my friends, I'm fine, I don't feel anything, I pretend to, sometimes but other times I just can't be bothered. They just think of me as 'laid back'. When people get into arguments and call people and me things like '****, *****', others get angry because they're offended. I just get annoyed at how pathetic and stupid everyone is.
Today has been a bad day. The mask was cracking today. It was good for a few hours, but I just got so annoyed with how idiotic everyone was being today, it cracked. I hardly talked for two hours and stayed inside my shell. I loved it. I didn't have to pretend to care, or take part in their silly little conversations, I was just thinking, without distraction. It was a sort of wistful thinking. I was thinking about what it would be like to meet a fellow sociopath or psychopath and just run and be free and not have to live as a 'normal' person. I do that a lot, create scenarios in my head, I guess it's not long until they start becoming murder fantasies. I have already discovered my love of blood.
I have yet to talk about the lying and manipulation. I am not a big manipulator as I have yet to come to that stage yet but I do lie, they are only small so far, but I do lie and feel a sort of satisfaction after I do. It is easy for me to lie, and people never suspect anything. It's a good feeling.

-A.
TakeMeToGlasgow TakeMeToGlasgow 13-15, F 6 Responses Feb 20, 2013

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In life you are at competition with everyone around you. Why are you angry people are so stupid?
If you want to shock people or stand out from the crowd then find a way to do so without revealing anything about yourself.
An example of something I did was, during an oral exam on Australian Icons (I chose Kelpies), I showed an image to the class of a dog lying down, which people often mistake this image for a dead dog.
One of the classmates yelled out "It's dead" and the whole class started paying attention and talking. I interrupted "No no, I was about to say (And I went on) 'Most dogs would become exhausted too quickly in Australia's hot climate'".
Her: "No, it's dead!"
Me: "It's not, I actually know the story about the dog in this image. It simply can't move because of a disease in its brain"
The whole class became upset at this and I said in response "wait, it's not in any pain" :)

A mask is not hard to wear. Everyone wears one, particularly normal people. Find another outlet for gaining attention or shocking people.

Im going through wat your going through exactly is like i wroge this article myself im also pretey mature for my age to wat i recomend tell a friend thts a wannabe gangstef if you so have one and if hes close or any other close friends society thinks way diffrent this days tell em wat you are at first they teasevyou about tht wat you said is all bullshit and on of thoes days they will tease you but act normal wich we all are its just tht we are difrent wayyy diffrent than othsrs thts how this world is and there is a sociopath out there with emotions i havs emotions but they are minor and ones my beast comes out they all fade away like the wind

I understand im 15 and im sociopath and i hate evry little **** tht thinks hes cool and hard.i for myslef hide my mask but three of my friends know and they know the real me they accept me they seen my mask unfold sevral times as i laying on the ground looking at them shake but there still thers for me so if you ever feel like taking a fuckef out dont its not worth it it will take you no were causd i have scared people who think there cool and the shed and i traumtized him with my screams and my rage and mg eys and i felt like it was a waste of time after i would think i proved my point in school which is apfeciate wat you have it dindt work this ***** will never comprehend our messages we try. To tell them so its a waste of time all they care about is drugs and ***** and their ******* moms

I must ask - since when was the 'mask' so unbearable a burden? And why would you want to unburden yourself this guise to anyone but those you have close 'relationships' with?

It's hard to keep pretending to be someone else. I don't tell the people I'm close with because nobody trusts sociopaths, it's easier to pretend to be "normal" but that doesn't mean it's not hard.

Don’t worry too much about fantasizing about murder. It really isn’t in the cards for most of us. Just not worth the energy cost. Some of us can spiral out of control, but most of us learn how to live two lives and how to enjoy both.

It is difficult to be a teen they say, all hormones and things. But for a sociopath it is difficult for a different reason. This is the time of our life when we are forced and controlled. That is absolute the worst possible thing I can imagine. I was lucky my parents had very little time for me. This is however the time when our craft is perfected. Those stupid girls, they will stay just as stupid. People don’t smarten up when they grow up. They just get more settled into their stupid ways. I avoided a lot of this in high school by being friends with boys. They have less emotion and can be silent for hours. Also they tend to do more adrenaline fueled activities, those are a great release. I am a total adrenaline junkie.

The best advice I can give is don’t tell anyone, not yet. Instead use your maturity to get more freedom. It is tempting to be home schooled, but I can only see this leading to less freedom. Also you will start feeling restless and bored fast. We need other people, the stupid people, to keep us entertained. Too much and we get annoyed, not enough and we feel like doing something very very reckless. You need change, always. Best to think of some hobbies you can take up for a short period of time. While you are stuck where you are, use the time to make yourself better, faster, stronger, smarter. Having many different skills will help you later in life. I can’t keep the same job for more than a year( I just get bored and annoyed), so I found it helpful to be good at many different things. Of course, charm is the key.

For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what is wrong with me. Of course nothing is wrong, I am just different. To know why, at such an early age, is a blessing and a burden.

Very interesting, Still amazed at the level of writing coming from a 13 year-old. But who knows if you actually are 13 considering this is a website for sociopaths and we are pathological liars, but I digress.

With emotions, sociopaths can feel happiness and joy but it is burdened by our minds and our masks. We can feel sadness and depression, but not because of the typical reasons, this is why it is a common belief sociopaths don't feel as normal people do.

To your hope for a normal life, I must say I find it hard to believe you will ever achieve such a goal. My mask didn't start to become unbearable until I was 15-16, with you how you are now, I seriously doubt that you could ever have what is considered a normal life, I'd say sorry, but... yeah.

Don't tell your parents, as you are not 18 they have complete control over you. They could send you wherever and administer whatever they want to you. There is no cure, there are no treatments. They can't help you with ANYTHING you're going through and if you don't already, you will hate them.

If you are 13, you are the youngest sociopath I've ever spoke with. In a year or two, everything will come to you on it's own and you'll know exactly how to deal with it. Also, when you start manipulating I feel like 1. you will be incredibly adept at it. and 2. you won't be able to stop.

Find someone you can confide in. I have found that almost every sociopath has a confidant they can talk to who knows about them being a sociopath. I have one and she helps me more than I can express. Although this relationship can be awkward at times because that person knows you don't care about them.

Good luck. So happy to see socios in the youth.

I am really 13 but I've always been good at writing, English is my favourite subject.
Hmm, yeah it's hard being a sociopath so young, it is very confusing sometimes.
I understand what you mean, I don't thing they'd send me anywhere, well, I like to think that. But I understand where your coming from, the fear of sociopaths is more than it should be.
Again, thank you for your advice. It really helps.