Sociopathic Driving

We've all encountered that jerk on the roads. You know, that clown who just cut you off or is driving like a maniac and endangering the safety of others. Where did he learn to drive you ask yourself? Is he drunk or just stupid?

I mentioned in the comments area of my last story "Who believes the self-confessed sociopath" that I abuse no substances presently. I was under the illusion for a long time that my deviant behaviour was fuelled by the substances I was abusing. I was wrong it seems. I simply have no regard for the safety of others or myself and will carry out any reckless activity that I see fit at the moment. It is true that while drinking, for example, I would be more prone to carry out whatever mischief was running through my mind at the time but I found that the careless behaviour has continued even in my periods of sobriety.

There are things bothering me that I might not even be aware of. One area in which my pent up negative energies or my repressed aggression manifest themselves is while driving. I am, in general, a careful driver but when I begin to see red and am seething there's no telling just how I will use the roads.

I have unwittingly performed dangerous manoeuvres, collided with other vehicles, possibly caused at least once a medical emergency when the anonymous hate decided to take me over. It is strange really. I'll begin lashing out at anything. My passengers will usually begin to check their seatbelts or complain about my driving. I'm in another world then. I don't even hear them. I begin dreaming about bad things happening to the people in the cars in front of me. I want them to veer off the road or get hurt in some other manner. Some horrid thought occasionally escapes my mouth and my passenger will say nothing because nobody wants to believe that I could really mean the things I am saying.

Sometimes I know the source of my frustration or anger: it might be the recent fight with the girlfriend; problems at work; problems with friends and family. More often than not, the rage comes unexpectedly. I am driving along normally and suddenly I begin to accelerate. I smile. I employ what can only be described as Kamikaze driving. I have too much confidence in my ability to judge the size of my vehicle and those of others. I'll overtake with little space to pass. I'll bear down on others at speeds way above the posted speed limit. I'll play chicken with oncoming vehicles. I'll zip in and out of lanes of traffic like a ... psycho. Zipping in and out of traffic at high speeds, endangering the lives of others and my own gives me a terrific feeling. I feel as if I am playing a videogame where winning or losing doesn't matter. Thoughts like "if I collide right now, take out that woman and her baby and die in the process, wouldn't that be cool" enter my head?

I have been called a good driver by some. They simply can't believe how well I can handle the vehicle. Little do they know, that I simply don't care about their life, my life or the vehicle and, for those reasons, I will run great risks while driving. I've had a few motor vehicle collisions (and I guess I can't really be that great a driver given those facts). What I never noticed and what was pointed out to me by a passenger was my facial expression after a vehicle almost wiped me out by hitting the driver's side. My passenger asked me "Why are you smiling?"

It takes some time before I "snap out of it" and realise that I need to get a grip. Maybe one day my luck will run out and I'll cause that collision that puts an end to my life or the lives of others. Maybe I might even end up paralysed with only lower brain function?

Whatever happens, I won't feel bad about it.