It never occurred to me that this may be my path, definition, determining "quote" mark around my malfunction. I am not the same as others and have never been. The word sociopath never seemed to come to mind as an explanation. I have been diagnosed bi-polar, however, I am certain that it was a diagnoses based on my desires and whims. Perhaps I wanted the drugs or to see how far I could bend someone's opinion about me, or maybe just to cause my family to be frazzled and chaotic, to make my mother hurt. While I have often "felt" depressed the older I get the more it seems that the depression is actually more of a severe reaction to obsessions. I do not know if I actually am a sociopath, I do not know if others might experience this. While I am hugely non-empathetic to nearly everyone and everything I do feel my own emotions. I lie like water runs, I manipulate to the point that I am often in so deep I am in manipulation with myself. I have gone as far as to hurt myself physically to make my manipulation on others more imapactful. I don't feel physical pain in a way that upsets me so this has not been a daunting task. I steal , but I attempt not to from those who have much less than me because while I do not care that they have less I do not want to take from someone unfortunate as I think it's tacky and I don't wish to be low brow... that being said if it's something I really wanted I would figure out a way to get it. I cheat and fabricate and twist others to yield to me. I have done awful things that are none of your business, they are my secrets and my sanctuary. I am always concerned with the end game and I will inconvenience myself to get to where I want to be in the long run. I do not hurt others for sport anymore, it seems childish and takes a lot of effort, however I do not mind causing hurt if it's within my scheme.

Lately, and it is getting worse with time, I have been feeling anxious. Which leads me to believe I am not a pure sociopath. I am feeling constantly burdened by having to hold up this mask and I just want to do as I please without the suffocating life I built. The anxiety is irritating and makes me reckless. The anxiety is causing me to be much more callous than usual and much more short tempered (something I always have dealt with). I wonder if it will keep getting worse. I find my empath husband who treats me like gold and does everything I want to be a complete nuisance. I am bored. Nothing seems thrilling.

or at least nothing did....

I have started pursuing a long time "friend". He and I have been casually sexual for 12 years, since high school. And recently I moved back into the same same city. He is also a sociopath. He is the only person I have ever known that I feel light and free with. I do not care what he does and he does not care what I do. Together we are like fire and gas and are destructive as ****. He is also nearly impossible the manipulate as he knows the game. Nearly, because I am smarter and better at it than he is. Or maybe that's just my narcissism coming out.
He is engaged to a lovely idiot that doesn't see he is a wolf in poorly fitting sheep's clothes. He is highly functioning as am I, but he is very concerned with his image, business, and life plan. I could care less about working for these things and would prefer others to take care of the particulars like money and food. He wants to emulate a person with high societal goals. Currently I have been very keen on the idea of ruining it all... but I have no desire to get caught and it feels extraordinarily risky. I do not make it a practice to take overt risk.
Obsession has started to take over though and I know something is at a precipice. I also know if I got everything I wanted and could move all the pieces into place so that I could have my cake and eat it too that I would eventually be bored. That the drama would stop being fun and that people's hurt feelings would be a constant annoyance.

I am at an impasse....

I just found this web site and I have never openly written or talked about these topics so I figured perhaps it would provide release.

Time will tell I suppose.
covertcoitus covertcoitus
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

I like your honesty. I sense you have a few or a lot of emotions beneath your surface. I agree with your idea that your not a pure socio and with that said I wouldn't go messing with one. Your friend seems to be the real deal though. If you have a story or 2 to tell or want to chat. Shot me a message

Although I am pleased at your appreciation for my honesty, is it not perhaps a bit premature? What is honest anyways? The sliding scale of an abacus, the gentle bubble in a level? I am testing the waters... one toe at a time... one would never expect full disclosure until at least partially submerged. I think perhaps I would like to share more but it is not commonplace for me. This online forum provides a sense of security and quick inconsequential gratification but no tactile or lingering satisfaction that I require to sustain a longer interest in an exploit. Who knows anyway, here today gone tomorrow... so on and so forth.