I have been diagnosed as having different mental problems, but I believe that I am actually a sociopath: so good at it, that I was able to hide it from shrinks and therapists, and also myself. I never understood why I never had a lasting relationship with anyone. Why people acted like they were nervous around me all the time or something. How I used to hate them, and pity myself for being someone so great they just couldn't handle it. Isn't that a perfect example of sociopathic thinking? See, I never got it 'till recently. One good thing about getting older is you can't bulls^^t yourself anymore.

Someone said the way we judge the world is a confession of character. How true it is, when I see now looking back that I have always been a complete narcissist whenever I thought I was being humble and giving; that I never really cared about anyone and was always pretending in order to get what I wanted from them, hence never feeling bad when a relationship ended (except to wonder why no one could see how great I was and stick it out); that I am and always have been incapable of forgiveness or apologies, and in fact see them to be completely asinine ideas. Etc.

I'm actually kind of happy about this. I feel I have been stifling my true self all my life, wearing a mask for everyone else as well as myself because this is not the way people are supposed to feel and behave (esp females raised in a Catholic household). Am I capable of hurting other people? Absolutely, and without remorse, because I truly do feel that I matter more than others. When push comes to shove, it's me, not you, every time. (In fact maybe one of the main things that distinguishes a sociopath from everyone else is that we are big enough to admit that.)

However there is no logical reason for me to hurt other people, as it would make my life harder and less pleasant. I can't see anything fulfilling or entertaining about it in the least anyway. That said, I am ready to embrace the fact that I am a sociopath, and stop feeling like a martyr when in fact I am the "bad guy"; just never focused it properly before. I think I might actually start accomplishing something more with my life now, without all the inner conflict and the need to suppress the belief that I deserve all the happiness in the world.

Would like to connect with sociopaths who have come to embrace who they are and maybe learn something from them.

sosheyo sosheyo
41-45, F
3 Responses Aug 18, 2014

Pretty similar to my way of thinking as well. I was diagnosed a narcissist when I was 16, then sociopath came into question when I was 18 by a few differently therapists my parents made me see. Sure enough it turned out I am a sociopath. I always kind of felt out of place, and my mom said after the diagnosis that I always seemed "off" and "different" from when I was a toddler to adolescence. I'm 20 now and I couldn't be more content with my mentality, it's helped me deal with things most people are broken by. The only thing I struggle with is stealing and aggression. Everything else I can mask and fake very well. I know I won't ever love and some ppl think that's horrible but I feel it's such a relief to never be burdened by love or compassion. Always watch your back though, people can catch on if you're not careful, and when they find out what you are it makes the situation a battle.

Honest and interesting post.

I'm at a similar cross roads in my life, I have no problem hurting other people to get what I need, because obviously we must look out for our own best interest, but I have been realizing lately that some things are hurting me in the long run. I don't want that. I'm hoping that I can start to restrain myself from certain actions that give me temporary satisfaction that will later blow up in my face