When someone is asked why they committed an impulsive action, they might give a response along the lines of "I felt like it". Or if not, "I wanted to get attention/had to prove myself".
That is hardly the case with me. When I do something like so, it's usually because I'm pushing my limits. It's a more personal objective than the transient urge of the former. Their responses are based on an emotion, mine is a never ending goal.
It might have to do with sensation seeking obviously. I've always noticed my delayed reactions to fear. Events that would otherwise repulse or terrify, are met on my part with a curious fervor to witness it, possess it, know it.
I can't say for sure if it's the riskier side effect of being a teen. I can't say either if it's a deficit in my judgement and executive decision making. Perhaps I have trouble assessing risks and rewards. Much like a robot has no emotion, I can not understand the anxiety that arises from tense situations. Only exception is when I'm testing since I value intelligence above everything else. I'm a crazy perfectionist.
I've been on gore sites to tempt my shock threshold, gauging where it reaches its limits. I've had sexual trysts with random strangers, finding that sex is extremely boring, and preferring my extreme fantasies. A few hookups were worthwhile, but only because they involved some violence.
This would all paint my persona as a delinquent or another typical teenager. I'm very academic and have long term goals, I over analyze things, but at times I'm so impulsive I startle myself at the utter stupidity of my actions. If it benefits me, it's good to go. Maybe my morality is very low on the Kohlberg scale.
Being intelligent is not always synonymous with making the best decisions. Intelligence gives me a skewed vantage point, an arrogance that renders all possibilities to my advantage, but severely lacking the proper judgement when I crash and burn. It endows my eyes with a myopic distortion if danger. Perhaps I'm just a rebel. I'm no adrenaline junkie either.
anomalia27 anomalia27
22-25
3 Responses Aug 27, 2014

Rebel without a cause.

I do things to see if I can. What's the next thing I can do without losing?

I read horror stories and visit gore sites as well. I keep looking for things that can actually give me a tingle.

Yeah, but I'm a sadist. My curiosity is more of a cruel emotion than just a simple tingle.

Usually the fantasies we create are so intense and vivid that the real thing is always a disappointment.

Right! But maybe, if we were perfect, we could always make the fantasies a reality. That would just ruin our imagination though.