Suicide? Anyone else get this way?

I know it's strange, and don't get me wrong I am a conceited, self-absorbed, ego-maniac narcissist. I don't wanna kill myself because I hate myself.
I wouldn't cut my wrists alone, or hang myself.
I would do something spectacular, something that is talked about for years.

I don't really know why. Sometimes I just get really angry and sad at the world.
I hate everyone and I become extremely bored and I begin to think about the future and become frustrated and fatigued by the thought of living for so long in such a monotonous bland world with no one or no thing worth living for.

I wonder if any of you feel the same way.
I don't see it as a form of depression or anything. There are a lot of times I think I could even be considered happy. I just don't want to live anymore.

Then "narcissistically" I get mad because I won't "be" any more. That'll be it for me. That's death. No after life or souls or anything. When I die, I cease and I don't want that because I still want to influence and destroy and "wreak havok" and blah blah blah.
It's an odd feeling to think about the end and have nothing. Just blank. I would never have another thought or breath or anything. I just disappear from existence.

and I am too wonderful to disappear.

hmmm was there a point somewhere in all that ?
sorry, haven't been on in a while. needed to ramble

-J
JasonGrayson JasonGrayson
18-21, M
3 Responses Aug 30, 2014

I can very much relate. My suicide note would read something similar to George Sander's. My reasons for not going through with it are the same as yours. I hate the idea of not existing.

Ever race a car, speeding like a maniac, swerving too fast, so close and not yet crashing? You never fear that death, which is imminent, but is so vivid in your passenger's mind, their fear driving your rush faster.
You don't care about those consequences, you're just speeding. If the person says anything, or some other stranger, I do it more conspicuously, so they know my spite. That I don't care and that makes me the greater person.
That's how I feel about death and suicide, suicide being something I've contemplated, but it stops as a mere fascination or obsession.
Great post.....an pleeeease stay alive. Don't be another ****** up number.

Vivid description.
I don't think I could kill myself. Myself likes me too much.

It's just even with all the fun I can have with people, even when I'm at the top of my game and I'm doing so many things and toying with so many people I eventually settle and become bored.
And no matter what I do or accomplish actually makes an impact.. It's just boring. And I'll have to live that boring for so long.

Thanks for listening/reading.

-J

Yea. I know that feeling of boring. It's like you wanna kill yourself just to have something to do. Lol.

Nor do I, but I get an exhilaration when I contemplate it.
Boredom afflicts us all, but it's more prevalent with you guys I guess. The sensation seeking an all that jazz.

I get what you mean, Suicide is a fascination for me also. I wouldn't kill myself though, too many people would be happy.