I Can Validate Us All

I’ll start out by saying that I have trouble taking this seriously and the fact that I’m legitimately seeking help from this experiment is a testament to how many bridges I’ve burned down in my history. When I asked my parents for help last year I was abruptly told, in no uncertain terms, to go to hell, I’d had my chance, but their was nothing wrong with me back then. Horseshit, the symptom that struck me most was my ability to believe my own bullshit, no matter how wildly I had strung it out.

I couldn’t understand why my best friend in the world thought that I was using him. Yeah, I never seemed to have any drugs to share, but it was the dynamic of our relationship, it was understood. Surprise, surprise, surprise. History is not enough to maintain a relationship. Worst off, I was completely incapable of sensing that the person I new best of all, was losing all respect for me. We no longer talk.

I haven’t been in any relationships. The two times I got lucky thought I manipulated the **** out of both girls. One was big and I was hammered, manipulating her wasn’t hard. Give her a smile when you walk in the room, make idle small talk, seem to be interest about the girl no one else is talking to, be smart and witty and the size 12 panties will hit the floor. The other one, the one that “got away.” Yeah, I had her at a point in time when she was the most vulnerable. My friend (not the same as before) was raping her, not in its most obvious sense, but he was still forcing her against her will to engage. She was easier that the fat one, take her side against one of my good friends, seem sincere, insist that sex is the last thing on your mind and then force yourself down her throat.

Now, the point I really wish to make is that we are not evil people. We have a stronger sense of right and wrong than any other people on the face of the earth. What we do is manipulate our own reality to justify our outlandish behavior. We construct a definition of a situation that satisfies our desires. We believe that this constructed reality is the truth and therefore are able to lie about it and able to make other people the problem because in our mind, we are just. This sense of righteousness is my power source. I can speak with such a power; invoke so much emotion, because I believe my bullshit. I know I’m wrong, but when I’m in the moment, it’s the last thing on my mind.

The way I’m treating myself right now is by learning as much as I can about socialization through the life coarse and pinpointing the thing I believe I missed out on. Share your believe with me.

twentyonethirteen twentyonethirteen
3 Responses Mar 20, 2009

I admit I am afraid of you. I have known people like you. My father and my xbf Charlie. What is different about you is that you seem to understand what is wrong and you are looking into a way to address it. I also recommend you keep a journal on conscientousness; a personality trait you can stand to enlarge? Keep track of when you feel healthy guilt, that is very important!!! edit... my dad was more of a psychopath... maybe that's splitting hairs.

it's my believe, (not well articulated) that I play on people scene of right and wrong. manipulation is simply making sense, but puting the argument into the context that allows the desired outcome. to do this we must know what we are playing on. it is this callousness and lack of calculation of peoples feelings that makes us what we are.

You may have a better sense of right and wrong than most people, but I sure as hell don't. I don't manipulate my reality to make whatever I do okay, I simply lack any internalization of morality. To me, anything I chose to do is right because wrong doesn't exist except in the sense of making mistakes. I have philosophical reasoning behind this, that morality is subjective and created by humans, and so has no real meaning save that which any individual gives it, but this point of view is the result of my lack of internalized morality, not the cause of it.<br />
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I find that people who justify their "immoral" actions by lying to themselves and saying it's okay for this or that reason, rather than having the wisdom to realize that anything they chose is okay, are no different than any other brand of the self-deluded. Typical and mildly pathetic. Honesty to one's self is the only kind of honesty that matters.<br />
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Mind you, I too occasionally believe my own bullshit. I suffer from a lack of continuity of self, perhaps a lack of solid identity. I have no idea who I am, so I become whomever the situation seems to call for, or all too often, I become a twisted reflection of the situation that I'm in. I'm not sure if this is a typical sociopathic trait, but it does sound similar to what you're describing. Like a method actor, I create in myself the image which I wish to portray, and so make it all the more believable.