Story of My Life
Hello my name is Albel and I'm an addict :) (just kidding)
Haha I prob don't seem like much of a monster with the tons of smileys and constant cheerful, playful tones I spam everywhere. I have been really intrigued and somewhat enlightened by certain posts here, and I still have so many things to discover and learn, so I figured I might as well put up something of my own and see what happens! XD
I can't really remember my childhood very well but I guess I had a somewhat disturbing one considering I would spend countless hours impaling insects (and other things) for the sheer pleasure of thinking they suffered. I remember my dad beating me a little for a while, and being like 9 or 10 year old and seriously planning on killing him with an axe, but I was scared of the police and of getting arrested at that time. Other than that I've always had an extremely caring, loving family who took amazing care of and spoiled me contrarily to many messed up people.
I'm pretty sure I suffered from actual paranoia when I was little and I was always convinced some adults were out there to get me. I dunno how old I was then but I was like really really little and when I was alone and saw other people I used to think along the lines of "if the mean people come to hurt you, kill them with rocks and the danger is gone".
I was the typical isolated kid that would rather spend time observing the birds and other life forms while avoiding to bond with others my age (despised them all). I had somewhat of an oversized ego as a kid and for a period of time I believed I was superior to others and the only person truly existing. Older I began torturing every guy that dared approach me. I would do on purpose to make guys who had a thing for me believe I liked them back, play this game for a while and make them like me even further, and then I would completely change personality with them and break their little hearts for fun. Oh I never actually let them have me, that was a big no no since they were maggots.
I also remember being really good at getting into trouble and always getting out of it by getting the blame on others, and often things went so well i could convince the naive kids that it actually was their fault and that they deserved punishment. I was actually a little angel in class and made sure the teachers had a weak spot for me. Heck my grade 4 prof once told me how I was a perfect child and he wished his children were like me if he ever had some. I also always preferred bonding with adults since kids my age bored me. I was a compulsive liar, manipulator, and tortured my toys like hell. I was aware of the rules and all, just never actually believed they were meant for me to follow. Always saw them as useless and downright ridiculous.
Adolescence can be resumed by = major chronic depression, anger, gaining people's confidence and then slipping out key info to key people at key moments in order to cause huge conflicts for the sheer pleasure of chaos, while ensuring my own *** safe from accusation.
I'm certainly not devoid of feelings thats for sure. I feel the basic ones and can be happy, sad, "bad" (not well), angry, or frustrated. The feelings are always very fleeting however and often pretty shallow. I can't feel guilt and no matter what I do I only feel "bad" if I get caught (which means I've lost or failed). I don't feel remorse for anything I do and don't see why I should. When I realize I've hurt someone beyond repair and they can't be useful or fun to be with anymore I toss them aside and forget quickly about them. I can't really say I know what empathy is for sure. I'm very aware now that I can't feel love the way normal people do. I can like or somewhat bond to people and animals, but its normally shaky and I tend to have ulterior motives behind them. Also the affection is the same for a cat than for my parents lets say. If I had the choice to save the life of a puppy I've petted or a person I don't know, I'd choose the puppy and let the dude perish without any trouble. Though I have never done it and most likely never will, I know without a single doubt that I would not have a hard time sleeping if I caused someone's death. Or tortured or ate them. Which is strange really because on the other hand,
I'm pretty confident I could risk my life and die to save a random person as well. I don't value other people's lives, but I don't value mine any more. It would really depend on the situation or on my particular mood that day. I could either horribly torture and kill, or die to save that very same person, all depending on my mood, on a whim, on what I feel like doing at the time. I have a strong protective "instinct" and I'm willing to fight to death for anything I consider a threat to me or to the people and ob
I see the world as inhabiting wolves and sheep. I've met sheep that wore wolf skins, and that tried to harm me. Rapists and pedophiles that mistook me for a prey... and it was fun XD.
I played the insane sadistic monster card, deprived them of stability and assurance, showed them I was utterly unpredictable and volatile. I had knives, and never even had to use them. One time however, one of them came so close to entering my world, to face my own rules, and, though the whimp backed down and fled last minute, that moment was never forgotten. I felt ecstasy. An overwhelming rush of pure euphoria. A moment of flawless self-confidence, empowerment, excitement. I felt free and master of my own world. They all escaped however, and this irritates me.
I could scare off these whimps because they were so predictable, they bit the bait and reacted exactly as expected. They could not be wolves, they were pathetic beyond words. Why do sheep try to eat each other? Its not their world, they don't belong there. I've never confronted a real wolf before. I don't believe in the rules of the "main" world, I don't care for law. This world wants us restricted, suffocated, weak and vulnerable beyond pathetic.
I allowed one sole guy to get close to me in my entire life, and I chose him, out of all others, because, at the time, he had everything of a prey. I never really intended nor planned to hurt or prey on him, but I was drawn to him because of it, yet I was not physically attracted nor did I love him. He was amazing, patient like hell and I think I've always had respect for him since he was (its ironical, yes I know, I said I saw him as a prey... go figure theres no logic gosh), part of the people I believed deserved to live. I loved him in my very own special way and I tried real hard at times to make this work... but apparently I'm really not made to maintain a healthy relationship. I winded up hurting him while I was not even trying too, kept wanting to push him away cause he was too close to me, and did (yes I admit) sometimes hurt him on purpose because I was... well... bored.
This sucks because I absolutely love sex, warm cuddles, and having someone to play video games or friendly wrestle around with. I'm really good at making friends... I suck at keeping friends cause I don't tend to maintain or care for relations very much. I have a somewhat "sociopathic" friend however. I never maintain the relation, she never does either, and in the end we just stay friends anyway like nothing changed cause neither of us really gives a damn.... it works wonders really XD.
I don't think I'm a bad person over all, I try really hard to be polite and nice to mostly everyone. I like it when people like me, and I usually avoid conflicts. I don't judge people by appearences and I don't believe in discriminating people regardless of what they are (unless they are rapists or pedophiles, I just hate those, can't help myself). I've long given up torturing little critters since, and generally have a "live and let live" open-minded way of seeing things. I like nature and I'm fond of and take good care of animals now. I have a fascination for the living, evolution, and human psychology, yet I don't see life itself as truly valuable. I've learned to mimic emotions perfectly, and that even with my eyes. I only feel shallow when I take the actual time to pause and think for a moment, I really don't feel this way otherwise.I use the word monster, but I don't really believe I am one.
I have one true (bizarre) and very special friend I cling on to, he knows everything of my ****** up mind and though I don't consider him a wolf, hes really not a sheep either. I don't know what he is but its pretty fascinating. Hes my equal and he has psychological issues of his own which makes him incapable of letting go of the people who get close to him. I,ve slipped many times, not being as caring supportive or careful as he needed me but hes the forgiving type and I bring him tons of good moments. I don't care how fake or real or shallow or deep my feelings are, I would die for my closest friends and that has to mean something somewhere for me. I've grown a lot and learned to be less wrekless though I am still quite impulsive, but I'm confident I can make something good out of this, and not harm him.
I've had rough times because of what I am but overall I am happy. I would never dream of changing what I am (whatever I am). I'm me, end of story, and that is something neither good nor bad.