Post

Story of My Life

Hello my name is Albel and I'm an addict :) (just kidding)

 

Haha I prob don't seem like much of a monster with the tons of smileys and constant cheerful, playful tones I spam everywhere. I have been really intrigued and somewhat enlightened by certain posts here, and I still have so many things to discover and learn, so I figured I might as well put up something of my own and see what happens! XD

 

I can't really remember my childhood very well but I guess I had a somewhat disturbing one considering I would spend countless hours impaling insects (and other things) for the sheer pleasure of thinking they suffered. I remember my dad beating me a little for a while, and being like 9 or 10 year old and seriously planning on killing him with an axe, but I was scared of the police and of getting arrested at that time. Other than that I've always had an extremely caring, loving family who took amazing care of and spoiled me contrarily to many messed up people.

 

I'm pretty sure I suffered from actual paranoia when I was little and I was always convinced some adults were out there to get me. I dunno how old I was then but I was like really really little and when I was alone and saw other people I used to think along the lines of "if the mean people come to hurt you, kill them with rocks and the danger is gone".

I was the typical isolated kid that would rather spend time observing the birds and other life forms while avoiding to bond with others my age (despised them all). I had somewhat of an oversized ego as a kid and for a period of time I believed I was superior to others and the only person truly existing. Older I began torturing every guy that dared approach me. I would do on purpose to make guys who had a thing for me believe I liked them back, play this game for a while and make them like me even further, and then I would completely change personality with them and break their little hearts for fun. Oh I never actually let them have me, that was a big no no since they were maggots.

I also remember being really good at getting into trouble and always getting out of it by getting the blame on others, and often things went so well i could convince the naive kids that it actually was their fault and that they deserved punishment. I was actually a little angel in class and made sure the teachers had a weak spot for me. Heck my grade 4 prof once told me how I was a perfect child and he wished his children were like me if he ever had some. I also always preferred bonding with adults since kids my age bored me. I was a compulsive liar, manipulator, and tortured my toys like hell. I was aware of the rules and all, just never actually believed they were meant for me to follow. Always saw them as useless and downright ridiculous.

Adolescence can be resumed by = major chronic depression, anger, gaining people's confidence and then slipping out key info to key people at key moments in order to cause huge conflicts for the sheer pleasure of chaos, while ensuring my own *** safe from accusation.

I'm certainly not devoid of feelings thats for sure. I feel the basic ones and can be happy, sad, "bad" (not well), angry, or frustrated. The feelings are always very fleeting however and often pretty shallow. I can't feel guilt and no matter what I do I only feel "bad" if I get caught (which means I've lost or failed). I don't feel remorse for anything I do and don't see why I should. When I realize I've hurt someone beyond repair and they can't be useful or fun to be with anymore I toss them aside and forget quickly about them. I can't really say I know what empathy is for sure. I'm very aware now that I can't feel love the way normal people do. I can like or somewhat bond to people and animals, but its normally shaky and I tend to have ulterior motives behind them. Also the affection is the same for a cat than for my parents lets say. If I had the choice to save the life of a puppy I've petted or a person I don't know, I'd choose the puppy and let the dude perish without any trouble. Though I have never done it and most likely never will, I know without a single doubt that I would not have a hard time sleeping if I caused someone's death. Or tortured or ate them. Which is strange really because on the other hand,

I'm pretty confident I could risk my life and die to save a random person as well. I don't value other people's lives, but I don't value mine any more. It would really depend on the situation or on my particular mood that day. I could either horribly torture and kill, or die to save that very same person, all depending on my mood, on a whim, on what I feel like doing at the time. I have a strong protective "instinct" and I'm willing to fight to death for anything I consider a threat to me or to the people and objects that are part of "my little world".

 

I see the world as inhabiting wolves and sheep. I've met sheep that wore wolf skins, and that tried to harm me. Rapists and pedophiles that mistook me for a prey... and it was fun XD.

I played the insane sadistic monster card, deprived them of stability and assurance, showed them I was utterly unpredictable and volatile. I had knives, and never even had to use them. One time however, one of them came so close to entering my world, to face my own rules, and, though the whimp backed down and fled last minute, that moment was never forgotten. I felt ecstasy. An overwhelming rush of pure euphoria. A moment of flawless self-confidence, empowerment, excitement. I felt free and master of my own world. They all escaped however, and this irritates me.

I could scare off these whimps because they were so predictable, they bit the bait and reacted exactly as expected. They could not be wolves, they were pathetic beyond words. Why do sheep try to eat each other? Its not their world, they don't belong there. I've never confronted a real wolf before. I don't believe in the rules of the "main" world, I don't care for law. This world wants us restricted, suffocated, weak and vulnerable beyond pathetic.

 

I allowed one sole guy to get close to me in my entire life, and I chose him, out of all others, because, at the time, he had everything of a prey. I never really intended nor planned to hurt or prey on him, but I was drawn to him because of it, yet I was not physically attracted nor did I love him. He was amazing, patient like hell and I think I've always had respect for him since he was (its ironical, yes I know, I said I saw him as a prey... go figure theres no logic gosh), part of the people I believed deserved to live. I loved him in my very own special way and I tried real hard at times to make this work... but apparently I'm really not made to maintain a healthy relationship. I winded up hurting him while I was not even trying too, kept wanting to push him away cause he was too close to me, and did (yes I admit) sometimes hurt him on purpose because I was... well... bored.

This sucks because I absolutely love sex, warm cuddles, and having someone to play video games or friendly wrestle around with. I'm really good at making friends... I suck at keeping friends cause I don't tend to maintain or care for relations very much. I have a somewhat "sociopathic" friend however. I never maintain the relation, she never does either, and in the end we just stay friends anyway like nothing changed cause neither of us really gives a damn.... it works wonders really XD.

 

I don't think I'm a bad person over all, I try really hard to be polite and nice to mostly everyone. I like it when people like me, and I usually avoid conflicts. I don't judge people by appearences and I don't believe in discriminating people regardless of what they are (unless they are rapists or pedophiles, I just hate those, can't help myself). I've long given up torturing little critters since, and generally have a "live and let live" open-minded way of seeing things. I like nature and I'm fond of and take good care of animals now. I have a fascination for the living, evolution, and human psychology, yet I don't see life itself as truly valuable. I've learned to mimic emotions perfectly, and that even with my eyes. I only feel shallow when I take the actual time to pause and think for a moment, I really don't feel this way otherwise.I use the word monster, but I don't really believe I am one.

I have one true (bizarre) and very special friend I cling on to, he knows everything of my ****** up mind and though I don't consider him a wolf, hes really not a sheep either. I don't know what he is but its pretty fascinating. Hes my equal and he has psychological issues of his own which makes him incapable of letting go of the people who get close to him. I,ve slipped many times, not being as caring supportive or careful as he needed me but hes the forgiving type and I bring him tons of good moments. I don't care how fake or real or shallow or deep my feelings are, I would die for my closest friends and that has to mean something somewhere for me. I've grown a lot and learned to be less wrekless though I am still quite impulsive, but I'm confident I can make something good out of this, and not harm him.

I've had rough times because of what I am but overall I am happy. I would never dream of changing what I am (whatever I am). I'm me, end of story, and that is something neither good nor bad.

Albel Albel 18-21, F 7 Responses Jun 28, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

A world of sheeps and wolves where the sheep make the rules... So u pretend to follow the rules of the sheep to blend in. What does that make u? Baa baaa. Be realistic. Stop being so delusional.

That as an interesting read. You seem a bit like me... It's always fun to read a story and go "hey, I do that too". It's something I rarely get to do in real life.<br />
<br />
Like you, I have a friend who knows I'm a sociopath, and she's my very bestest friend. In some ways, my only real friend. Rather than not trying to manipulate her, though, I love playing with her in a heavy-handed sort of way so she knows what I'm doing and is in on the joke. And so if she does let me **** with her life, she knows it's her fault. She's pretty perceptive, though, so that rarely happens.

Heh.<br />
<br />
Welcome,<br />
you certainly do have much to learn, but the stories are.... Intriguing. Look forward to seeing some of the other things you might have to say (despite how disturbingly cheery and sadistic they are, or rather because of that).

well i didn't mean that sheep can harm us but they can be us, an average person encounter 20 wolves a day and **** can get really messy when wolves fight. it might not apply to you but in my position i have to know my enemies (don't think i'm some loser who has no freinds and is parinoid, i just know some people who would go a long way to kill or hurt me). <br />
When i said i lived 20 lived i was being over dramtic, i didn't mean that. I have never really counted them and won't be able to. Many of then mix in few placed because of certain situations. Also after a while running it all becomes very easy and it is very orginized.<br />
For letting some of your freinds know the real you i guess people have their reasons to trust people, i think i'm to young to know who to trust yet so i'll keep my secret. Oh and i have a bit of how your complex system works, i have my own but i hope you turst your system as much as your friends.<br />
I also just wanted to know if your good looking out of curiosity, i have a very active imagination and put a picture to everything. Usless information but you never know. <br />
Finally for the "you're the reason people fear us" part i meant that some sociopaths cause to much damage to people and make it harder for other sociopaths come forward. I knew a wolf that caused so much hell people are on the look out for more and it pissed me off because i had to be carefull for a while. Mabey where you are people do mind our kind but in my situation it would change my great set up.<br />
<br />
P.S. I was a little pissed when i wrot the first comment but know i can see you know what your doing for the most part, but hey if you mess up it was your call.

Lol, "your acting as a child" <br />
well first off I'm just 21 and some of this stuff dates from a couple years ago soooo... yeah I'm still not fully matured even yet. XD I'm still experimenting a lot with my surroundings. <br />
<br />
And you really think sheep are incapable of biting each others heads off? Incapable of commiting crimes or deceiving? This is naive thinking.<br />
People are capable to feel remorse and guilt for their crimes and to seek sincere forgiveness through religion ect... which means that they can't be wolves!<br />
I know many normal people who have done pretty criminal and nasty things, and trust me they have felt bad about it. Rape is about dominance and is more common in stereotypical male mentalities, it does not take a wolf, just a pathetic brainwashed macho bastard who wants to "prove hes a man" to his little friends and follows the flock mentality. People are ready to murder and torture in the name of religion or even as a response to fear. Human psychy is complex and many factors come to play, these very factors can determine how or how well you can manipulate someone. I know I seem like I'm boxing people when I talk of them, cause really what I need to know is "potential prey or predator?" but if I only took this in count I would not be very good at manipulating now would I?<br />
<br />
<br />
You say you live 20 different lives? That sounds pretty complicated and like tons of hard workd for nothing. XD<br />
No offense here either, just saying lol.<br />
I admit I've been a tad too much impulsive and childish at times, but I said I was happy no? Theres actually many people I'm totally cool with and have had rather good and stable relations with for years. I suck at making new friends true, and I don't really miss the ones I have when our paths seperate, but I always manage to form some tighter bonds with a few. I don't call them often but hey, I'm still great with them when I'm there.<br />
<br />
As for the few people who know what I am, theres never been a real prob with them. They are very different open-minded people and consider me one of them regardless. It would be a pretty pathetic life If I could not trust a single person other than myself ya know. Backup is good and my back is covered. And by warning my closest friend, I'm ensuring that even when it gets really tempting, I have to step down and not manipulate... cause I know he of all people would know I'm doing it. This way I'm ensuring my futur in a manner, and not just living the present like I'm used to. ( I don't expect you to understand this, and I just don't feel like explaining the huge complex story behind all this and why I'm right ^^).<br />
<br />
And yes I'm cute, although wtf? <br />
<br />
"you're the reason people fear us"<br />
Is that even bad? People fear their own shadow and the "stranger lurking in the dark alley", they fear an ideal which they cannot grasp and are seldom taught what the real dangers are. Thats not going to change any soon. Manipulating has always been fairly easy and thats not about to change any sooner either... so whats the prob? XD

holy ******* ****! there is a lot to say... you have made many mistakes. First off the wolves and sheeps. You said how you have had sheep attack you, well you stupid ***** we are the wolves in sheep fur, we know how to fake pain and give you power. Multipule times i have manipulated poeple in thinking they have hurt me to give them power over me, after that you find their weak point and get what you want. When i'm done with them and they still think they have power i'll cut them down. Don't think your god until you litterly pull every string. I live about 20 diffrent lives because that way i get everything. I pull the strings and i know ebverything, it took so ******* long and so much work but its worth it. You act as if you know nothing, you live in the moment and only know how to hurt. Don't live the moment, make the moment! Another point is to never let anyone in your ******* circle! No one must ever get close to you because that is when you start to get sloppy. Your world is you and nothing else. You are gifted but also punished.Lastly, WTF is with all the pain you inflict! the pain and suffering is the after math not the ob<x>jective. Sure its fun but not the main point, your acting as a child, you're the reason people fear us. You make it more complicated for us!Okay... i'm calming down now but seriously... what the ****! You have so much to learn. Saddly its hard to learn it all, you could get a teacher but it would make things a bit more complicated and i don't think you could handle it. Learn at your own rate. Well that should be all, i'm main seem like a jerk but then again, what the **** do i care. I guess you could say i'm trying to help you.<br />
P.S. oh and i really hope your good looking because i hate it when people say their sexul atcive and i find out that their ugly as ****! Come on people, good looks is what makes us so good at what we do!

Its long... I know XD