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Short Story of My Life.

In my life the earliest memory I have is when I was around three, all I really remember is my mother’s boyfriend beating her up. It’s a rather vague memory but after hearing things later about that night I figured out what I was remembering.  After that its very vivid memories of random physical and sexual abuse from ages 5-9 by family members and friends of the family. Developmentally speaking I’m sure that that in itself screwed a few things up in my mind as a child. Like becoming sexually active way too early, thinking sexual relations among family was normal when it’s not, a basic mistrust for adults, and a feeling that my parents couldn’t protect me in their own home. Over time I just kept to myself which lead to my parents thinking there was something wrong with me. So a few psych trips later I was an ADDH kid on Ritalin. This was when I was about 9 years old in 4th grade, so I was already a loner somewhat and this just topped it off. I became what many other kids became, a zombie, I went to school stared straight ahead, went to lunch, ate very little seeing as Ritalin makes your appetite pretty much nonexistent and then the rest of the day went on the same way. This went on for a while my sister got all the attention I only got attention when I got in trouble, no one liked me at least not enough to be my friend, self pitying I know but that’s not the point.  When I got in to junior high things barely changed aside from discovering pot, skipping school, and learning that hanging out with pot heads who don’t really like you is a good way to get stitches from random Flint beatings. When my mother got in an accident which required back surgery she couldn’t  handle living with me anymore during recovery so I went to North Dakota to live with my grandmother. It was nice she would pay attention to me, buy me new clothes, and cared about what I had to say. Though habits are hard to break, after a while I was hanging out with the wrong kids again getting high and ditching school. Then I found out that I was actually quite a good thief. My step cousin and I would go to the mall when we could, rent a lock then fill it up with stolen items as the day went on then went home. I didn’t last long though because I got cocky and got caught and then sent back to Michigan. That’s just a broad over view of my school years.

 When I was old enough to realize I didn’t have to take the Ritalin anymore(9-10) and could do whatever I want I stopped taking them. Then around age 11-12 I discovered that all these bad things people said were bad never made me feel bad at all. I was a thief from the age of 8-16, a pyromaniac from 6-present, and had an unhealthy sexual appetite from 10-13 years old. So yeah I had problems, my parents never found out about most of it except the pyromania when I burnt a bowling ball sized hole in the carpet when I was 8. But none of this ever made me feel bad or guilty or shameful. I could get out of trouble by playing stupid, lying, crying, or just blaming someone else. Around the age of 13 I got some friends which looking back weren’t my friend’s just kids I hung around with who didn’t really like me very much because I was strange to them. I guess I understand why, I was a very weird child. I thought everyone cared about me and said off things often, I never made any plans I actually kept and spent most of my time with girls. One memory comes back that show how little my male friends cared about me, I was trying to pop a wheelie on my “friends” bike I fell and he came to make sure the bike was ok not me.  With my female friends things were much easier as far as getting them to like me, I played on their emotions when I could and dated them often but I always broke up with them in a way that didn’t make them not want to be my friend, which was the point because if I lost one then I would lose them all. I did this at many schools until I was about 16 then I lost interest in dating because it had become boring. During this period of boredom I found my fun again, my 12 year old next door neighbor Jared who became my best friend and a very apt pupil. In him I saw someone I could teach and mold into whatever I wanted him to be. This proved difficult mainly because he had an older brother already and what he took from both of us were conflicting messages. I wanted him to be like me, his brother wanted him to be happy, and in a way so did I. This went on for about 5 years till it seemed there was nothing more I could teach him that he would accept. So we then became just friends, no manipulation, no lectures just friends. Until I had sex with his girl friend in 2006, he was going to break up with her and still be friends with me but she wormed her way back into the door and we actually lived together for about 3 months, then I went away to school. During this time he started to hate me for betraying him and our relationship dissolved. We saw each other a few more time infrequently but never got back on good terms. As far as female relationships go I had an affair with a 42 year old when I was 16 which up to that point was the most meaningful relationship I had ever had. In college I had 2 one year relationships that were great until they ended. The first break up was my fault and the second one wasn’t, she said she didn’t love me which I can understand because almost all she saw from me were lies so that I could keep her and not scare her. I wonder if I will ever find another woman who can love me that I in turn can love. It’s depressing to think that I will never have a woman that I can love. Though even when I was with my girlfriends when love came up and I would feel around for that warm feeling when they said they loved me, all I came up with was the same cold emptiness I always do. Except for one time when my last girlfriend Tyler said she loved me, for the first time I felt it, it filled me up and for the first time in my life I felt whole. But that was the only time and I don’t know why.

 A book I read called the sociopath next door is written by Harvard doctor Martha Stout  ,who seems to know her stuff, is filled with a lot of information that reminds me of me. Though some of the things she says like sociopaths cant love give me pause, cant I love? I honestly don’t  know, though I do feel nothing when people tell me they love me and almost never mean it when I say to people even my parents. I don’t know maybe in that way I am broken though I hope not. Other things in her book are just disturbing, she regards all of us as a plague upon the normal happy people and goes through a list of how people can weed us out and avoid us. I get this more than most of my kind would, we can be very dangerous, but so can normal people. Was Jim Jones a sociopath no he was just nuts I’m sure he was something but a sociopath? No. I may be part of the 5 percent of the country that people fear, but should people fear me, I don’t think so. She lists off the worst stories of demented sociopaths that to me seems like fear mongering instead of informing. When reading her book it almost seems like she has a bias against sociopaths, maybe one of us hurt her sometime ago, I don’t know but there is anger there I think. She focuses on the conscience as the defining symptom of sociopathy. I have to ask what’s so great about a conscience, to have something that limits you and tells you no inside your head. Do I want a conscience? Not really, I have lived a long time without causing major damage to another human being without one.

So many questions come up when people try to find out what makes people in sociopaths. Is it their development, the nurture, or is it simply bred in. I told you my story maybe you could find something that you think triggered it but I have looked and I cannot. I believe I was born this way and after 24 year I know I cannot change I have tried so many times. I have been hospitalized in the psych ward 5 times, nothing ever changes no matter the medication or the therapy. Which is the case with all sociopaths, no one can fix us.  One thing that I don’t think anyone has ever touched on is the sociopaths, like me, that control their urges ,that fight our very nature day after day to fit in with the rest of you. For me it hurts to be alive physically and mentally, I can’t not think of what you would think of as the most taboo things and sometimes I want to do those things but don’t. A good analogy is think of yourself in the desert, your starving and thirsty and in front of you is a buffet with all your favorite foods and drinks but you can never eat or drink these things. So you’re forced to wander the wasteland in search of other foods and drinks, and they are out there but none of them ever quench your thirst or slate your hunger, and every day you can see the buffet teasing you from a distance. I know why sociopaths commit terrible crimes because it feels good but I know what happens to them, prison, death, or a few lucky ones get away with it. I love myself and I’m not risking getting locked up. Do I care about most other people, no I do not. People may fear us but we can’t change that anymore then we can change ourselves.

 

Syquinus Syquinus 22-25 8 Responses Jul 17, 2009

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Thanks for sharing that. Question, why do "sociopaths" need relationship? Or feel pain at its absence?
You may not be able to change who you are, but you shouldn't. However, to be truly you, you have to start with being true to you, with basic honesty. You will need to start by embracing your feelings, in order to understand what they really are and who YOU really are. I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised.. happy you looked.
You, the author of this brave commentary (yes brave.. its evident in your speech and framing...brave and very very private), have many things to explore. Like, instead of what DOESN"T motivate you (like strong emotions), what DOES motivate you? What do you like? This is as important to who you are as who you fear you may not be. Think of the scope of feelings you do experience and enjoy. What are they? Notice the times, the moments of fulfilling challenge, satisfaction, curiosity, and pleasure. Clearly you love to train, to impart, to mentor. You love to read and to explore complex issues. You also love to be in relationships. You notice when people are kind and when they are not. You even naturally judge those who act selfishly or are uncaring. And one thing I do not hear in your dialogue is narcissism. Your motivator seems to be more authenticity and understanding than power. More relationship, than control. You demonstrate an ongoing need to have at least one or two close loved ones. You don't need a lot, but you need a chosen few.
And, you don't sound as different as you make yourself out to be.
You do sound incredibly isolated, though, by your perception of yourself.
Maybe now, you can reach out to healers and counselors - ones that can handle what you have to bring to the table. Not adults who control and judge... ones that LISTEN and care. You're still attracted to those who care for you. I hear it.
You may have to work at finding the right people and counselor to be close to. But that is normal in life for the rest of us too. You might be surprised to understand what is common to us all, and you may realize that you are not so strange as you think.
But you have to decide to let people in. Its a complicated process. Opening up wounds and redressing them, like battlefield injuries. It will suck for a while. If you are willing to go through the treatment.
Numbness, severe isolation, psychosis, and detachment, can also be signs depression and PTSD. Consider that you might have it. It can also be a sign of suppressed anger. **** those mother ******* who abused you. God damn those mother *******, It makes me angry just to think about it. But you, you regulate your anger and your behavior...why? Because you are human and you long to be a part of relationships. You know you can't be violently angry AND have those things at the same time. Thus the self-detachment.
Of course, you may also be more "rational" and less "emotional" than most of us to begin with. See Meyers Briggs INTJ and ENTJ personalities. I'm thinking INTJ or INTP for you perhaps? Rare, gifted, personality type. Not highly emotional, but very complex AND very human. They do not become attached to many people, but it can run deep when it does.
And damn, you are young! 24? or 26? You have got a LOT of experiences ahead of you. :-)
And sexual abuse, that is incredibly impactful. I've been there and have had many friends who have as well. It can be even more disjointing for men bc of social expectations and extreme shame and secrecy. IMen don't talk about it a lot. I have friends who did not talk about it until their twenties... and they are the lucky few. Did you know that over 1 out of 5 boys experience some kind of sexual abuse (compared to 1 out of 4 girls)?
You need to talk to people who are smart, experienced, compassionate, and informed enough to know how to walk this path with you. Its your decision and your decision only. You have to invite them (him, her) in. And you have to do it each time they knock on the door. There is no magic therapy. It is intensive battle field wound recovery. You can make it though with the right resources and just taking it a step at a time.. and NEVER NEVER judging yourself for your feelings or what you have been through.
We all have crazy *** thoughts we don't act on, btw. And don't be afraid, when, you have a little safety, you will have to look down at your wounds and tend to them, lest the experience be fatal... and that is a terrifying moment. But we do it anyways.
And then suddenly, a year later, two years later, three years later, four years... life looks very different.
You should never fundamentally change who you are.
But you can become MORE of who you are meant to be by a fierce warrior spirit to see you through recovery.
You can do this. I believe in you.
BTW, have you seen Last of the Mohicans? Eric Schweig is the Native American actor who plays "Uncas", Daniel Day-Lewis's adoptive brother. He has a powerful real life story. He is actually Inuit and was adopted by foreign born Canadian parents. He was severely physically and sexually abused. Years later, drugs, alchohol, wild life, and I belief a brief stint in prison, he now works with troubled youth AND works as a Native Inuit artist - reviving a lost art form. You can find him just about anywhere online. Last I saw him was Myspace five or so years ago (does that even exist now?).

If you were a Pschopath, the book info you read would not be 'troublesome', you shared 'almost never'' in regards to the times you have said I love you to another, but not meant vs. never. You shared how you "wanted the best in a way too," for that 12 yr friend. Also, no mention of torture to animals, esp as a child or young adult (Jim Jones alledgely did ). It sounds like you have been abused at an early age, spirtually maligned. The answer to all including you is to recieve the Gospel of Jesus Christ (see Holy Scriptures/Bible-esp New Testatment like Book of John (heard of John 3:16?). Last but not least...I'm very sorry for the abuse done to you... and desire the best for you!

Reading your post, the love part sticks out for me. I've realized I feel attachment to people but I don't know if I've ever felt love. The only love I have ever felt for anyone is the protective one for my little brother.<br />
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I agree with you about being a plague, it's ridiculous. We're detached and we think differently... Our priorities are most definitely different but we're not insane.

The fact that you love any &amp; desire to protect in some way your Brother means you are not a Pschopath, in my opinion...

Have you ever tried MDMA?

Just wanted to say that I couldn't agree more with the previous poster. Alice Miller was a true visionary. Early childhood is the key. You are minimizing your own mistreatment, the emotional deprivation and abuse you experienced. It's very hard for most people to ever admit to themselves that their own parents may never have loved them. Love is everything to a child. Children strive for love in the same way that a plant strives toward sunlight. Children will do anything to attain even the illusion of love - conditional love - if the real thing cannot be had. It sounds like your parents did not bother to even provide an illusion of love and you came to accept that your parents didn't love you from an early age and decided that you must therefore be unlovable. Yet the truth is it was your parents who were unable to love you, having experienced much the same kind of childhood as they then visited upon you. The abuse that you suffered is a form of unconscious revenge and it's perfectly understandable that you hate, that you may have violent impulses. Those are the same feelings that your parents directed toward and discharged upon you and the same that afflicted them in their childhoods. If you can manage to break that cycle by not repeating the pattern with your own children then you will have accomplished much. One of the points Alice Miller made was that revenge fantasies can be vitally important. The compulsion to reverse the roles and imagine oneself as the victimizer instead of the victim is a healthy impulse, if not acted upon in order to regain a sense of personal power and agency that had been lost since childhood. You are not a born sociopath. If you can find some therapeutic way to discharge the rage and hate and begin to develop some compassion for the unloved, lonely abused child you once were, you will be able to love and be loved. it sounds like the relationship you had with Jared was partly an way to reparent yourself vicariously through him. And when you say - "I wanted him to be like me, his brother wanted him to be happy, and in a way SO DID I" - you are acknowledging that you did love Jared, that you experienced moments of genuine unselfish caring/nurturing for another human being that you tragically were denied in your own childhood. Anyone who has experienced unconditional love in childhood will generally find it easy and and natural to love. You had to work at it but you succeeded. If only for a moment, at least you know you are capable of it. Forget about the labels. All these traits exist on a gradient to some degree within everyone. It's not a black and white thing. Anytime someone is sure that they're normal and you're not, you can be sure they are in denial about themselves. People who have been hurt in childhood will have desires to hurt commensurate with the hurt they experienced. It's human nature. Your fantasies are perfectly normal given what you experienced. The extent to which we are self-aware is the extent to which we can avoid passing on that hurt. It's just a sign that you need healing.

You have a lot of the facts about the horrible abuse you suffered growing up. However, your feelings of rage towards your abusers, and horror and grief at the abuse you suffered are currently blocked. If you remember first at 3 horrible abuse, and you were systematically abused after, it is likely you were abused even before 3 years of age too.<br />
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I recommend reading "Free From Lies" by Alice Miller and "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog" by Bruce Perry. Both are about overcoming child abuse. Alice Miller in particular in all her books explains how to regain empathy, and how to challenge our upbringing to reconnect with the vital child inside.<br />
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I feel sad that you were so mistreated and unloved growing up. You did not deserve that. You don't have to continue to absolve your abusers of responsibility for mistreating a helpless, defenseless child. There is nothing worse than being neglected and abused by the very ones who are supposed to love, care for, and help us orient ourselves in life. How could your family do that to you?<br />
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Have you looked into the childhoods of your parents? I bet you will find a history of abuse that they suffered, but never rebelled against, instead taking out on you.<br />
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A therapist could help you potentially IF it is a therapist who truly has actually confronted their own horrors of their upbringing so that they can provide true safety, support, and empathy. Virtually every child to some degree, though some much more traumatically like you, has been neglected and abused growing up.<br />
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Most people don't confront their past and gain true empathy for the helpless and defenseless child they once were. IF the therapist you work with just treats you neutrally without any ability to feel justified anger at what you suffered, then they cannot help you. An ob<x>jective and emotionally distant therapist, or one threatened by your ambivalence (lack of feelings) or actual feelings, will not be able to help you. A therapist that just wants you to move on from the past, or wants you to confront the past at their command... basically a therapist that has any agenda for you for their own needs, even one they are not conscious of, is manipulative, abusive, and unable to help to the deepest core. Of course, a therapist should be there to help and serve you. But a true therapist will see YOU, listen to YOU, and give YOU attention without pre-conceived ideas or theories. Only the willingness to listen to the story of your life with empathy. This is very rare in a therapist or any human being, as it doesn't need to be a professional therapist to play the role of witness for you.<br />
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I wish you well. Follow the feelings you do experience and the symptoms of your body, all of which are expressing what has happened to you in your life before, though quite possible suppressed from conscious memory.<br />
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Another thing I recommend for you is learn about how the brain develops and works. "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog" is really great for explaining how trauma early in life can cause long lasting effects in life in detailed description, yet still easily understood language.<br />
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You say, "I believe I was born this way and after 24 year I know I cannot change I have tried so many times." But looking many places is not looking everywhere. I looked for so long myself, and now only at 30 am I beginning to make significant progress dealing with my childhood trauma. I didn't know what I needed in a relationship or therapy, but I have a better idea now. Every person can grow, as the brain never stops learning and building new connections until death.<br />
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"For me it hurts to be alive physically and mentally, I can’t not think of what you would think of as the most taboo things and sometimes I want to do those things but don’t." Keep trying to retrace where the feelings you have now connect to previous events in your life so that your rage at the abuse you suffered can pour out. Then you will be ok to be angry without the worry to compulsively act out the anger. It is ok to be angry or whatever feeling, and those in your past who hurt you do not deserve your protection from your anger. Just not acting on your anger with violence against yourself or them, as conscious feelings cannot kill, but actions can.<br />
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At all the abuse you suffered it would be so natural to be angry and hurt, but children who depend with their lives on their caregivers, or abusers in your case, cannot afford to express their feelings openly. So children must instead suppress their rage, and see what happens to them as being deserved to avoid the overwhelming fear and rage that they cannot handle without someone to soothe them.

Martha Stout is a poor excuse of a psychologist. Her book is riddled with bias and hate propaganda. She abandoned the scientific method of research and documentation. <br />
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Besides how can a non sociopath explain what we can or cannot feel? Or how we think or act? She cant. Her writing a book on sociopaths is as ridiculous as a Catholic writing a book on the suffering of Jews during the Holocaust and writing it in the first person. <br />
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Despite what she said we can love. Is it the same type of love the empads have? No; but we experience something similar enough. And we are no more a blight upon the world than the empads are. No one is without "sin", all people are riddled with darkness.

Sorry but no...a true 'Pscychopath' in the truest form of the definition does not love Anyone. They do however 'mimic' and gauge actions &amp; cosequences in relation to decision making, as well as, have different personalities, drives, interest etc that are fuffilled a different ways (i.e. sexual, murder, theft, etc) but its all centered on them alone. Also, the level of intelligence will usually dictate what type of predatory existence chosen among others.

Everyone needs to strive for good. The only difference between what you call a sociopath and what you call "normal", is the element of intention. If you're not bettering yourself, in small ways or big ways, or at least TRYING to, then (in my opinion) you're wasting your life.<br />
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You don't need the psych ward. You need some serious spiritual healing. I wouldn't give up if I were you.

I 'Liked' your comment...but seeking psh help (but only if it's good &amp; they themselves are not detremential b/c both good folk &amp; evil folk are drawn to that arena) ...is not a Pscy Ward:)