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Wondering If I Can Get Some Insight From a Sociopath

I am not a sociopath but I believe my husband is.  I am in the process of getting divorced and I am also pregnant with his child.  He has been abusive physically, emotionally and verbally which is why I am divorcing him.  He is great at manipulating people and he always plays the victim.   He has custody of his other 2 daughters and I am afraid for them.  He treats them horribly and I can never prove any of this because its all emotional and they are too afraid to speak up.  He lies really well and I am afraid he is going to get away with it in court.  He has before.  He has fooled all his friends (because he doesn't let them close enough), councilors, and even judges.   He suckered me into marrying him and I believe it was so it looked better when he was fighting for custody of his daughters. The following is something I posted on another site in May. 

 

  I'll tell you my story from the beginning. I got together with my husband in July of 08 and married him the following September. I had known him 10yrs before and thought I wasn't rushing into it. About a month after we got married his anger started to show more and more. It started with is daughters (always yelling and swearing at them) and then constant arguments with me over stupid things like if I said something or not or if he said something or not. Sometimes I say something and don't remember saying it but I know its not as much as he claims. That put me into a depression that lasted for the entire winter. In November one of our arguments turned physical (pushing and shoving and a few times he put his arms around my neck and I couldn't breath), I left and went to my mothers. A few days later he convinced me to come home and that it wasn't going to happen again. Things were OK for about 2 wks then the anger started to flare up again. In January it happened again only this time it was much worse. We had an argument and he told me to leave so I went to leave and as I was stepping out the door he grabbed my coat and through it on the floor, I put my foot in the door to stop him from shutting it (he claims I hit him with the door) and pushed my way back in. As I was reaching for my coat he grabbed it again and through it in the bedroom. I went to get it and he shut the bedroom door behind me and held it shut. I went for the window (I should have locked the door) and tried to climb out. He heard me and came in, grabbed the back of my collar and through me on the bed. We wrestled around (I was trying to get away), several times I was face down on the bed with my head being shoved into the mattress, and several more times I had a pillow shoved in my face. I couldn't breath and became scared for my life. Finally I broke away and ran, I called a friend to pick me up and take me to my moms. This time I filed a restraining order. But yet again he convinces me to come back blaming both physical outbursts on chantix and I dropped the restraining order. Things are fine for 2 wks again. Most of the things that would make him upset were things I wasn't doing because I was depressed. Hes always telling me I just don't want the responsibility. We got into another argument at the end of February which didn't turn extremely physical. He told me to leave so I started gathering my stuff while he kept ripping things out of my hand and telling me I have to just leave because I'm not on the lease so therefor I was trespassing (the cops told me otherwise. That didn't apply cause we are married). He had pushed me down on the couch trying to get something out of my hand and I had to struggle with him to get up. He then called the cops on me saying I hit him repeatedly. By the time the cops show up my sister was there and all my stuff was out. They asked me a bunch of questions, if he assaulted me, I said we struggled a bit, if he had in the past, I said yes. They told me he had a few scratches on his arms that he said I did, I told them I don't even have any nails maybe he got scratched by my ring in the struggle. They asked to see my nails and said wow you weren't kidding, she couldn't have made those. Then they said he claimed I hit him. I said no but maybe he got hit in the struggle but I never intentionally hit him. So he gets arrested. I didn't press charges this time but he has a trial for both times he got arrested coming up. For a third time I go back. He suggests I might be bipolar and I look it up and find a lot of the symptom's fit. Again things are OK for a few weeks. I started seeing a therapist. He now has new footing in an argument, I'm bipolar and need to learn to work on my "issues". I went to have myself diagnosed ( she said there is nothing wrong with me). He still believes I'm bipolar though. April 14 I find out I am pregnant. Just 2 weeks after I told him I never want to have kids with him because of the way he treats his. When I tell him about it hes not happy. The timing sucks, neither of us working and he is about to loose his housing because of the arrests. 3 days after I tell him (we have been arguing about everything since) we get into an argument about how far along I am. They go by your last period so I was 7 weeks, he says no your only 5 if you were 7 then we weren't together at that time. So I said I had enough and wasn't going to have a miscarriage (I had 3 when I was younger) because he was stressing me out too much and went to my moms. Its now May 7th, we been talking and I have been going to visit about twice a week. I told him I'm not coming home till he works on his anger issues. I don't believe they can just go away over night but he insists that he has changed already. He still blames me for his anger and uses his daughters to guilt trip me saying things like "you have no idea the pain your putting me and the girls through". He also says things like "I have to work on my issues but you don't have to work on your own?" meaning my bipolar issues. I feel torn because on one had I do love him and his daughters but on the other I don't know if I can ever get over the physical fits we got into or if he really can change his anger problems. I'm constantly telling him its not what causes the anger but how you deal with it. Now I have lied to him about a few things nothing major Ive never cheated on him (he accuses me of that too) and he thinks that my lying is just as bad as the fights we got into. I don't see it the lies I told him never made him fear for his life like the fights we got into.

  Since then he has accused me of prostitution, having a criminal record, sleeping with my ex's children, and trying to break into his house.  He lies about everything and gets away with it.  He blames everything on other people.  Everything is always worse for him in his eyes.  He always has to be right about everything and if proven wrong he says the resources are wrong.  I have been to child services and they wont do anything to protect the girls.  My biggest fear is that he will lie about me in court and get away with it.  I just don't know how to handle this situation and keep running into dead ends.  He is so good at what he does and I don't know how to deal with him.  The worst part is he doesn't think what he is doing is wrong.  I just don't get it, how can one not see his own actions?

 

kikikyta kikikyta 22-25, F 59 Responses Sep 1, 2009

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This is precious. :D :D An actual marriage counselling/divorce advice session in a forum for sociopaths. This is going to make me smile for.. hours. OO.. You got pictures? That should brighten my day. :)

wow if her husband was such a great manipulator, how is it she got housing and welfare out of all this and I lost mine This is just the ramblings of a woman who got caught stealing, doing drugs and cheating on her husband. I post on here a lot and if you want the truth you can read it in my posts. BTW I am the husband and I am glad that a friend told me about this post, just wish I had known about this one before we went to court last time for our divorce. Oh and I never accused her of being bi-polar it was she that told me that she was and I didn't believe her at first because she was in a manic state for a couple of months. whether you believe me or not you can always Google her name. She left posts like this everywhere. I am hoping this is the last one that I see but I doubt it because of her need for validation for the horrible things she did to my daughters.

Everyone. My father was a sociopath. He used to beat my mother and I for fun. /playsviolin<br />
<br />
I blamed my mom for letting it happen. <br />
<br />
If you are so unhappy get away. But damn if this isn't the wrong experience to be posting in! However since this is old, I see you've gotten a ton of great advice!

Your comment about him putting his hands round your throat really touched a chord in me - my friend did exactly the same thing to me! We were messing around, laughing etc and he said `Call me Master!' I thought he was kidding and said `Yeah, right!' His face changed instantly and he was livid - I have never seen anyone change so quickly! Next thing I knew, I was on the floor with his hands round my neck. I GENUINELY thought he was going to kill me, so I just relaxed and thought `ah well, there is nothing I can do' This seemed to work - I realise now, only because he wasn't getting his `fix' of drama, which would have been me fighting back - and he let me go. He then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for goading him - this went on for a while, then he stormed off and wouldn't talk to me. Next day I got a jokey text and message. This the pattern - he never holds grudges or carries arguments on - but then I don't think he has the emotional capacity to realise that he has hurt me. LEAVE THIS MAN OF YOURS. Start your life afresh. He will never change.

This is fun. I liked the step by step guide to divorce by Isabel. Although it is so much hard work murder would be an easier option. And Phage you are a credit to sociopathy

Rather absurd, isn't it?<br />
<br />
And seafarer, good for you. But in the end, you'll smell musty and medicated just like every other old lady.

I plan consciously keep clean to the end, unless senilty<br />
overtakes me.

First off, older and old are not the same. I had a fling with a couple last weekend who were somewhere around their late 30s, and they were quite attractive. But by 60-something you're no longer older, you're old. Which is not sexy, but is usually associated with old-person-smell. Don't worry if you're not smelly yet, give it a few years and you'll be there.<br />
<br />
As for how I'll be when I'm older, I bet I'll be doing just fine. Sure, I probably won't have as much energy as I do now, but you know what they say: old age and treachery beats youth and enthusiasm.

Phage- what makes you think older people are less attractive or smell bad? How will you feel when you are older? Maybe your exploiting others will slow down.

I have been going through a 4 year divorce process with a man diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as OCD, and Paranoid Anxiety Disorder with Sociopathic tendencies. He recently married a woman (who it turns out has been involved with my ex for 10 of our 13 years married. She also demonstrates Sociopathic behavior. The Court appointed therapist has indicated that my ex's entire family of origin is a highly dysfunctional, borderline, narcissistic, and pathological with the patriarch being sociopathic as well. <br />
I read a response from one of your readers who suggested that you do everything in your power to not associate this baby to your ex, even at the extent of not having his name listed on the Birth Certificate. I whole heartedly agree. However, I caution you... while your ex doesn't want to be responsible for this baby; he would risk being ordered to pay support, if it meant he could catch you in a lie that would/could convict you of perjury. If he knew nothing of your pregnancy, and you could distance yourself from him, that would be one thing. However, if he is well aware of your pregnancy, and you do anything that remotely looks like you are trying to keep HIS child from him; he will win custody, hands down; which, I suspect is how he got custody of his other daughters. Their mother may have, in an effort to protect the children, come across as over reacting with accusations against him to keep him from having a relationship with his children. The courts call this Parental Alienation Syndrome. <br />
It is much harder to fight this in court with the kids are very young. They don't have a voice of their own, and will often regress, and say nothing, further indicating that the mother is over reacting. <br />
Keeping accurate records of every detail that will become an issue in court. If it is financial, then you must have documented copies of whatever you are trying to claim in court. If you can't back up what you are claiming, don't even bring it up. If he tries to accuse you of anything, make sure you have hard evidence to prove him wrong. <br />
My ex accused me of Parental Alienation. He claims he called several times and I never returned his calls. My house phone doesn't log the calls on the bill because it is a group plan. So it's his word against mine. I had a phone that showed all calls in, even if I didn't answer. I logged every call he made that I missed, and then I logged when I returned the call. Then I wrote him, letting him know that I don't use the house phone. My cell phone is the best way to reach me the quickest. He resisted cooperating with this method. When he tried to accuse me of not answering his calls, I had a copy of the e-mail that I sent him, and a copy of my bills that did not reflect that he had called the times he claimed he did. My phone bill also showed for every text message he sent, every page he sent, and ever voice message, he received a return call or message within 24 hours. He perjured himself to the court. <br />
Anytime you have to communicate a fact, do it in writing. I informed my ex that our son was going to Washington D.C. via a letter, with attachments of my son's itinerary, and his teacher's personal phone number. I sent a copy to his attorney as well as my own. My ex wrote in a declaration to the court, that I did not inform him of our son leaving the state. If I had not mailed it to his attorney, he could say he didn't get the notice; unless I sent it Registered mail. In my response to this accusation, I attached everything I sent to him, and our attorney’s as well as the phone log to show that several calls went back and forth with the notes attached regarding the conversation for each call. Mind you, my ex told me he had no problem with our son going on this trip. He offered our son $50 spending money, called our son a couple times to wish him a good time. Then he turned around and accused me of not getting his permission. If I had verbally told him about this trip, and gotten his permission without having sent him any information, he would be able to hang me for violating a court order, by lying and saying I never notified him. <br />
He complained that he didn't have the cell numbers of our teens. Our teens don't want him to have the numbers. I was forced to give the numbers the council for the kids. The council for the kids was on my ex's side early on, until I was able to present the proof that he was lying. I was able to point out that the ex had six visits with the teens, and they used their cell phones openly in front of him (listing time he had the kids, and showed the phone usage on the bill – facts speak for themselves). My ex never asked the kids for their numbers, once. His complaint about this had nothing to do with wanting to be connected to his kids; it was just a means to accuse me of PAS.<br />
I also submitted the phone bill that showed our oldest daughter called him on four occasions from her phone, having blocked her number so he wouldn't have it. My ex tried to imply that I was the one that didn't want him to have the kid’s number. However, being able to show that our daughter has called him from her cell phone - but blocked the number - was enough evidence to show that this is her wish. They stressed that the kids are free to give him the number if they want to. <br />
My ex will suddenly be very sweet. He offered to bring the kids fireworks, and groceries because I had recently had foot surgery. Then he claimed these expenses on his declaration as child support. He needed to hurry and show some form of effort, because he hadn't paid anything in six months. He thinks this will help him, but the court saw through it, and the fact that he claimed such as child support, actually shot him in the foot. <br />
The thing is Narcissists and Sociopaths are LIARS. YOU have to record all conversations. If you text, photo copy your text to him, and his to you. Keep all receipts. Log your days. What you do, where you go, who you see. It seems like an overwhelming task, but believe me, the facts will be what win your case. Do not go into court accusing him of being crazy, or try to diagnose him, or call him a liar. Respond to his accusations with, "The Petitioner (if he is the one that filed) is misleading the court .... Then state the facts, attaching your hard evidence to prove otherwise. Do not get emotional. Keep your response short, to the point, and point to the hard facts that you have. The judge will see through his lies, if you are presenting evidence, and he's not. <br />
I've been accused of all kinds of things. At first I would get so upset. Now, I consider his accusations, gifts. Because he's lying and I'm not; I can prove it. With every lie against me, and the proof I have to counter his lies, discredits him even further. <br />
So, whatever you do... DO NOT LIE. Even if the answer you give is embarrassing. DO NOT LIE in your declarations, or in deposition. As soon as they catch you in a lie, then both of you are considered suspect, and the judge will make up his own mind based on who the better liar is. And, we both know that he will be the better liar. You can win with the facts.

I'm happy to wait on that.<br />
<br />
Besides, can you think of any field of medicine that's getting more money than geriatrics and cosmetic surgery? By the time I'm 60 they'll have a lot more options for looking and smelling young.

Wail till you reach 60. Then we'll see what happens.

How typical. I already know that you think everyone has a right to live. I was asking you to make a supporting argument for it. Explain WHY everyone has a right to live. I think it'll be entertaining because I think you can't make such an argument.<br />
<br />
Oh, and I do know I look and smell better than you. I look and smell better than anyone in their 60s, it's a fact of life.

Everyone has a right to live. Those who've committed<br />
serious crimes do,too. Only their right to live is being<br />
jailed permanently till death.<br />
You don't know how I look, what I do,etc. Don't assume things you don't know.

Everyone has a right to live. Those who've committed<br />
serious crimes do,too. Only their right to live is being<br />
jailed permanently till death.<br />
You don't know how I look, what I do,etc. Don't assume things you don't know.

To you? I'm smarter, better looking, better smelling, and less whiny.<br />
<br />
But superiority and inferiority are surprisingly not the issue here. I never said I have any more right to live than you, I asked you to explain why you have a right to live. I'm asserting that you don't, and I'm challenging you to present a non-fallacious argument--specifically, without any trace of anthropocentrism--to the contrary.<br />
<br />
Surely if you believe you have a right to live you can put it into words.

Why do you and others think you have more right to live than we do? In what ways are you superior?

Perhaps not, but I'd like to hear you explain why you deserve to live without falling back on anthropocentric fallacy.

Phage-you deserve no favors from me. Neither do your fellow sociopaths. Just contempt.

Oh Seafarer, you're so wrong about me. I would care a lot if I found out that someone I told to off themself actually did. It would give me a real and enduring feeling of joy... please, would you do that for me?

Neither you or anyone is worth killing themselves for.

Phage-as far as telling people to kill themselves, I'm sure many have because of devastation people like you have caused them. I'm sure you couldn't care less.<br />
Inebriety- as far as your advice to Kikikyta goes,<br />
it can only go so far. People often see through such charades. Person who victimized me wasn't my husband. It's been nearly 40 years yet I feel guilty that<br />
I did not stop it soon enough. He managed to intimidate me badly. That cannot happen now because I don't feel powerless. That often comes from<br />
experiences growing up. Another person tried it 10 years later. I gave him a surprise. Made me feel good.

Seafarer, I'd love it if you just disappeared, but I'm actually rather fond of living in a society of sheeple. The alternative kinda sucks when you think about it.<br />
<br />
But people don't become victims because they're weak, they become victims because they don't protect themselves, which is mostly because protecting ones self from that sort of thing is a real downer. A lot like condoms, when you think about it. And just like people who get STDs because they don't wear a rubber, you want to blame the other person, but really it's just as much your fault as theirs.

Seafarer22 you couldn't be more wrong. The reason you end up as "victims" is because you are weak and think the way you do. The best advice for one of these weak willed and minded people would come from those that are strong and would never become victims. <br />
<br />
The weak leading the weak is a lot like the blind leading the blind. <br />
<br />
Now my advice is to get testimonies from the police that arrested your husband that he did attack you, get them from your friend that picked you up as well as from your mother. If you have any pictures of the bruises he caused you can add that as more evidence. <br />
<br />
Now here is how you are going to act on the court date. I want you to walk into that court with red eyes from crying, you will act highly distressed and shaken up. Act like the battered women that you are do NOT put on a strong front. You want to make the case that he is a violent nut and that he wouldn't stop beating you; when the beating are brought up you should cry. <br />
People are very receptacle to a woman crying, they will sympathize with you and hate his guts. <br />
<br />
Also make sure to have a letter from your therapist that proves you are of sound mind so he can't use the bipolar thing against you. <br />
<br />
Good luck

Phage- save your advice for other sociopaths. For us who have been victimized by them, we know how it feels. You'd love it if we all disappeared and only sociopaths were left. Stay with those like you. We<br />
don't need you!

When i look at the spectrum of classical sociopathic behaviour, and assuming there is a range of behaviour, I recognise some tendencies in myself. Rejecting societal norms is manifest in my behaviour, not by rejecting society or overtly appearing to be outside it, but actually being part of the normal mainstream but acting in a negative manner within it. Over the years I have had various labels applied to me, maverick, extrovert, solo artist, even genius. But in reality I was only following my own thoughts because i wanted to listen to myself and I had this repressed feeling of hating the strictures of the organizations I willingly joined. In some ways there was a self destruct within me expressed through antagonizing some people and seducing others. It wasn't until I worked for myself that I could escape from the demons.

When i look at the spectrum of classical sociopathic behaviour, and assuming there is a range of behaviour, I recognise some tendencies in myself. Rejecting societal norms is manifest in my behaviour, not by rejecting society or overtly appearing to be outside it, but actually being part of the normal mainstream but acting in a negative manner within it. Over the years I have had various labels applied to me, maverick, extrovert, solo artist, even genius. But in reality I was only following my own thoughts because i wanted to listen to myself and I had this repressed feeling of hating the strictures of the organizations I willingly joined. In some ways there was a self destruct within me expressed through antagonizing some people and seducing others. It wasn't until I worked for myself that I could escape from the demons.

If it's any consolation, the structural fr<x>ameworks that most people use totally elude me.

attaching labels to people sometimes denies the fact that they are simply wrong uns. there is a range of acceptable behaviour out there, it varies between people but usually kicking one's partner or her kid in the teeth falls outside the tolerance zone for the vast majority. The guy in this tale sounds to me like a typical *******. There lots about. I wouldn't make excuses for him by saying he has this or that. The real sociopaths are on this site and they're really scary. Phage is an example because she is smart enough to know how to fool the straights like us and unlike the really crazy she actually knows what she is. It's not about wearing a bit of goth or attending rallies about the dangers of capitalism. Jesus i'd do that myself for a laugh. It's having a totally different take on society and everything in it. It's a conceptual fr<x>amework that eludes me, although I do find it interesting. The true sociopaths are the artists to this fools labourer.

Hehehe, isn't it though?

This is so much more interesting than the food and travel section...