Think About Her Every Day

About seven years ago I broke up with my HS / College girlfriend. We had been together for four years, each others' first loves, etc., had lived with each other for a couple of years in college. Looking back we were a very intense and serious couple. We talked a lot about the children we would have, about growing old together - I suppose this is normal stuff for two people in love to talk about, but at the time it seemed like we had an incredible special relationship.

We had a lot of problems that developed as we went from being teenagers to adults. I have struggled with being controlling and critical of my partners, and that was certainly the case there. In a lot of ways I think I was dealing with my parents ongoing separation and divorce by lashing out in my own relationship. I knew that I didn't want to be with her in the long-run, but I had convinced myself that she was my soul-mate and it took a very long time to finally bring myself to break up with her.

At first I was relatively proud of the clean-cut way that we broke up. I say proud because I thought it was the healthiest thing I could do. Even though I cried practically ever day, constantly talked about her with my friends and secretly hoped we would meet, I only contacted her two or three times over the next six months.

Things started getting weird when I forgot her birthday. I knew she wanted me to call her on that day, because when I called a day late her brother hinted that she was really upset that I hadn't called. About six months later I wrote her an e-mail saying I wanted to talk, and she responded that she would be happy to. Then I called her house, and since she wasn't there I spent some time talking to her brother, who I thought was a cool kid and I wanted to sort of wish him well since I knew we probably weren't going to be see each other again. (I can see how you might think I was being delusional here, and that I was just trying to ingratiate myself back into her life - I'm honestly not sure which it is, but I really did just feel like it wasn't cool to be a part of this kids life through his sister and not at least wish him the best when we split).

Either way, the fact that I talked to her brother made her very upset, and she called off our chat. I was pretty devastated by this - I had really been looking forward to the chance to talk to her, but wanting to respect her wishes I didn't challenge it, and didn't try to contact her again until her birthday, thinking that would have been a good time. When I tried to call then, she refused to take my call.

Angry at the rejection, I wrote her a nasty e-mail that continues to haunt me. I said some pretty mean stuff, including stuff that wasn't true, like that our physical relationship had gotten bad. I also accused her of being a hypocrite - although about what I'm not really sure.

Over the next four or five years I wrote her an e-mail maybe once every six months or so - sometimes sort of snide, but mostly apologetic. She's never written me back. For the most part I've just told her that I'm sorry for the way I broke up with her (which at this point I'm not sure if I really did anything wrong).

For the longest time I carried a lot of anger - maybe I still carry it, which is why I'm writing this post. I felt as if she should acknowledge my presence, at least tell me that it's okay that we broke up - that she's happy where she is. I was angry that she could have gotten so close to me, even discussing kids, and then utterly shut me out of her life. The craziest part was that I was angry at her for shutting me out, even though I was the one who broke up with her!

I sent one last e-mail about two years ago. Basically I told her that she would always have a special place in my heart as my first love, and that although I had moved on and was happily married I would never really be over her. Kind of *****-up right?

The problem is, recently we both moved to the same neighborhood (completely randomly), and I am TOTALLY PARANOID that I am going to run into her on the street. I feel like I have sort of have become a stalker. I've never tried to call her, or spy on her, or do any of that stuff, but I think about her constantly, like every day multiple times. My biggest fear is that I will meet her on the street, and she will accuse me of being crazy. I don't even know what I would say to her - it seems like there is nothing I would be able to say.

Before this, I read Serik's post, and his response to his own post helped me out quite a bit. He pointed out that there is a line dividing stalking and harassment. While my e-mails would probably constitute harassment, I am not a stalker. I actually consider myself a rational well-adjusted emotionally mature human being, with this ***-ed up thing that I always worry about.

I'm planning on seeking therapy as soon as my health insurance kicks in and my schedule normalizes. I know this is something I need to talk out with a professional listener who will ask the tough questions. In the meantime, thank you for taking the time to read and allowing me to get this off my chest. Much appreciated.
eyeball123 eyeball123
Jul 14, 2010