My Narrow Escape

It started back in the late August of 2010. It was our last year of high school, i had met her the previous year. She was a nice girl, she had a great personality, worked hard, and frankly i looked up to her to some degree. Physically she resembled a goddess. Little did i know the utter emotional and social distress i was about to cause her, the paranoia, and trauma. I was getting ready to push her away forever. This is the time in our lives when i became infatuated with her, then began stalking her. What was a simple crush that had started at the beginning of the year was going to become hell for the both of us, in the healthy state of mind of course.

Some time before August 2010 i had attempted to contact her through facebook. Sure she responded, she added me as a friend, and we talked a little bit now and then, but then for some reason or another she had removed me as a friend. I asked her why, and she added me again, we talked again for a little bit. This continued on for a few more times, removing me as a friend and then adding me again when i found out, and before long i just gave up. Then August came around, and as part of our work, we had to read a science fiction book regarding the subject of totalitarianism. Now the final stone was set. I began to stray from my work, rather than write my opinions on this book i wrote my opinions according to the book. I began to think i was living in a totalitarian world, and that i should rebel in the name of privacy. If anything i would only come to invade privacy.

I began writing about her, to her, from my distorted perspective, the perspective of being the protagonist in this book. It was almost like short stories, only they were letters to her. I typed them so she could clearly read it, they were only three pages long, but i went ahead and placed them where i knew she would discover them. She did discover them, and she thought little of it. I was only two or three meters from her when she saw these things i had written, not once could i find it in myself to just, talk to her. To just physically talk to her. Over the following weeks i would position myself at the same time and same place, she did as well, just those few meters for so long, every working day. Not once did i talk to her, i just couldn't find it in myself. Maybe it was guilt of what i had already done, and the guilt of what i was doing. Only a few days after i dropped those letters to her, i started writing ones to her on facebook.

Facebook is where the real trouble started. I was falling in love with her image, and i "wanted" her more and more. It started becoming creepy. This is where the situation on my part was organized, but would soon become messy. I was writing and sending out these letters of love, companionship, life with her by my side in a totalitarian world every few days. This continued for months. The more i let myself get infatuated with her, the more easier it became to further send letters, view her profile, try to take interest in her interests. I was stalking her over facebook at this point. She had blocked me, but that didn't slow me down, i just registered a new account and the messages just kept on coming. August had now turned up to November. I had slowed down a little bit in sending messages, now they were apologetic of the previous letters, and indeed previous times when we had actually talked face to face. The situation was only getting worse and worse. I remember coming out of one classroom one day, and she looked at me, it was direct eye contact. I took it that she was coming around to my side, now i realize that she meant to ask, what was i doing, and why was i doing it? Then finally, a friend who she talked to, was telling me of her perspective, what she felt, what i was really doing to her. Being in the self righteous, and infatuated state i was in, i simply couldn't believe it. I started thinking hard about what i was doing, and this friend she talked to, who was talking to me, finally started guiding me back to the light.

I wondered how i would react under similar circumstances. As hard as it is to believe, i thought that if i stopped sending these messages, if i stopped loving her image, which i thought was her, then i would be doing the wrong thing. With help from my friend i stopped sending her messages. However the trouble had not ended that quickly. Over into early 2011 i started writing these same themes again, only this time, it was sorrow, and regret. I uploaded these publicly, and despite my best intentions, i did even more damage to an already bad situation. I wrote confessions, letters of sorrow, and i let people see them. Of course i didn't advertise them, but they were public. She got wind of it, and then she gave me what she should have given me to begin with. I can still remember word for word what she typed. "This is (left blank intentionally) speaking! You can go f*** yourself you creepy f****** retard! Delete these f***** up posts or this matter shall not be taken lightly! You can not even begin to imagine the amount of trouble this is going to cause for you! F*** You!" Finally, this destroyed all hope and i totally gave up on her. From what little i had seen, i had changed her dramatically, and even my friends who she would talk to commented to me that she was paranoid, in trauma, and more or less a different person altogether. Finally after she had given me that rant. I said sorry publicly and in a private message. I said it was the last message, and that i would only say sorry for everything once and mean it. I did. Still nothing can or will ever undo the damage that i did. I regret it, and i hope others can learn from it.

If you have a crush on a girl, leave it at that. Sure you can send her messages, but if you can't find it in yourself to physically go up and talk to her, then she is not worth having.

Don't let yourself fall in love with her image.

If your stuck in the friend zone, be grateful that you're at least in a zone.

I know this was a big of a saga, but please hear me out. Don't let a crush become an infatuation, that will lead to stalking. When she blocked me on facebook i honestly considered finding out where she lived, finding out her phone numbers, but fortunately i had some moral compass.
doctor699 doctor699
May 13, 2012