I Dont Know Where I Am Going With This . But I Admit I Am A Stalker!! I Need Help

This is my first time admitting and facing reality that I am no one but a helpless stalker.
I haven't seek professional help yet.. IDK i am trying to fight this myself.. All I see myself to be is a weirdo , who keeps following specific females for no specific reason at all. I just want to know them be near them - thats all I want .

I am 25 now and it all started when I was 12 ... I had a crush on my cousin and used to follow her .. she was 15 then . I felt I was in love with her , I knew everything about her and went to any extend to know her .I followed her home to school and back , followed her when she was out with friends . She never knew I was stalking her . I did this for years and I turned 17 completed my high school went to college in some other city . I remember I used to think about her all day helplessly and night .. I cried and ot used to It .. It was over an year at college and i started getting used to life of partying and hooking up with lots of girls . I was popular girls wanted me and I had 3 Girl Friends at the same time.. I got news from home that my cousin got married to someone she met and it didn't bother me .. I moved along with life..

Social networking came in and everyone was on FB .. I was too exploring the world of Internet Social life and it started again > i saw this girl lets say candy on a friends list of my other cousin who lives in other part of the world. Idk I got obsessed with this girl made numerous fake fb id's followed her downloaded every pic she ever uploaded anywhere.. stalked her like crazy day and night . I wasn't stalking her alone was stalking everyone she knew . It was crazy and I knew every detail about her where she lives , how many siblings she has , her parents are divorced , she is a medical student, whatever she likes/dislikes.. everything! I did this for 3 years and I had this uncontrollable desire to approach her anyway . Since i was living in some other country than hers it was impossible for me to fly there cos that would had required lots of money and I was still in college then.. Then this one day I happen to see on her fb page that she is in love with some guy and they were getting engaged .. I was devastated with rage and jealousy.. IDK what to do ... I was 21 then and candy was the same age .. I made up another fake profile and finally added her and started chatting and flirting with her .. she at first didnt replied but after 10-20 emails she replied and was amused by the thought of someone having be so persistent .. she and me chatted for about 2 months and I was in love with her we chatted about everything and then she one day asked me for who I really am and wanted to meet me .. But that wasn't possible and I was not ready to disclose myself. so she blocked me .. I was upset and went into severe depression but somehow got control on my life and was back after 10 months of psychological therapy . I moved to a bigger city and stopped stalking her .

I was 23 now I got this opportunity to study abroad in Europe and i went .. My dating life was going great doing fine then .. had lots of sex couldn't complain .So one day I had this urge to see how candy was doing and I checked ... I believed her to be married to her fiance by then ... but to my surprise she wasn't . I was crazy again and came to know she broke off the engagement and went to carribean for her post graduation in medicine... Idk how but I knew I was sick perusing this wild and unreal fantasy on mine . I stalked her again for months , I even broke off with my then gf which wasn't fair to her ... But I was dealing with something i wasn't able to control. I completed my masters had a choice to move on between south east asia where the package i would be getting was great and carribean where the pay was less. IDk what got into me and i took up the job in carribean where candy was. Once i was there I remember the very night I wasnt able to control myself and went searching for her .. her address I got it online while stalking her social page. I found her the same night and she looked amazing and even more beautiful then I have seen her.. And from next day I did the samething I used to do on my cousin I followed her everywhere >> she didn't knew and I was happy to be near her .. I did this for months and It was her birthday this year in june 2012 .. and I knew where she was going to celebrate it with her friends . I happened to be there and I approached her wished her and the look in her eyes was so fascinating that i skipped a beat . She was amused at first and I strike up a conversation just like that on a topic which she likes and I knew she would get into it.. we chatted for a while and the i left ... I stalked her carefully this time because she knew me , and about a week planned to happen to crash into her just like that .. I did and this time got her into a conversation and exchanged nos. I came back to my place and was the happiest man in the world .. that very same day I got a text from her in general asking how was everything and she is having a party at some place and would want me to come .. I text back yes .. I went to her party and she looked brilliant i confessed to like her and she said yes.. we went on a couple of dates and she had her vacations coming so went to her home in the other country .. While she is away i am seeing myself doing the same stalking her like crazy .. I feel anger and instability taking over .. she called and i yelled idk I suppose i got upset of she leaving for vacation.. I fear I might hurt someone .. I thought about it and was constantly fighting myself inside and finally admitted I am a crazy stalker >> i left and went back to my parents back to my country and its been about 2 months and i am still dealing with my issues .. I dont want to hurt candy > she texted me on fb where I am and she feels for me but i didnt reply . I got her text today that she knows i am avoiding her and she wants to know why ?

I know if i told her who i was she would hate me .. I dont know waht to do >>> but I have stopped this stalking for good now ..
Its very hard to admit for anyone to be mentally sick .. I know I can control this.
Yaylers Yaylers
22-25
2 Responses Sep 26, 2012

hi

Oh, dude, you've got yourself into a huge psychological mess... I don't know the exact origins that drove you to fall for your cousin in the first place, and feel that urge to persist but I'm actually going to suggest something you might not expect for this situation.

What you did was wrong, but by fate Candy ended up having mutual feelings towards you. In all honesty, that must be because you were worth something? Maybe it's time to put your past behind you and just focus on the present. You have the girl of your dreams in your life, after so long, and now you're ignoring her? You worked for her in the wrong way, but you did work for her, and by a surreal twist of fate you got her. You'll feel a better person if you're in her life for a positive reason, that's what really destroys you - your methods were negative. It's a miracle that in the end, from that you made her happy. So try and forget your past, because it is the past, go get some help for your stalking problems, and keep this girl in your life while you still can, man, and treat her the way you know she deserves to be treated. You've PROVED you can make her happy without the use of stalking!