I Must Be Crazy

I dated this guy for almost 2 years in college. It was a pretty good relationship, though we fought a lot and he was a little controlling. Still I was madly in love with him and was willing to change who I was and everything that defined me to be the person he wanted me to be. Near the end before the big break up, there was this girl that was always wanted to hang around him, even though she knew I was dating him. Soon he was talking about her a lot, even told me once all the qualities in her that he like (all ones I didn't have't) and that if he was ever single, she would be the type of girl he would want to date.

During Christmas break, we went to respective homes and talked a lot on the phone like we always did. He was talking about how when we get back to school we should think about looking at engagement rings and other lovey dovey crap. I was thrilled, but knew that we both wanted to finish college too before we tied the knot.

Soon break was over and we back together at school. A few days later he out of the blue tells me "I am in love with you, but I think I am going to leave you, I just don't know when" and "I love you a ton, but I am going to leave you because I need to feel what it is like to be single for a while." and "I love you, but I think God wants me to leave you." He said these things to me for well over a week. I spent every night crying, not knowing where this was all coming from. It was wearing me down and I think he knew it. Finally one night I just snapped and told him to make up his mind. He said "I am done with you then." and just walked out the door.

After that was a whole serious of unfortunate events and crooked doctors, but I ended up unfairly locked up in a Psych ward because I was crying so hard and I just wanted to talk to someone, so I could get on with my life. My ex felt so bad he called me every day when I was in there and said he was sorry and he wants to make things right and it is his fault I am in there.

When I got out he took care of me, while keeping a distance, but still didn't want to date me. Then he decided to take me shopping and bought me a promise ring (for what reason I still don't know) and then took me out to eat (and paid for it the first time ever in the time we ever dated)  and then went back to college and discussed with me for a whole hour about breaking up with me and leaving me. He said things like how I wasn't allowed to date until he was sure that we weren't going to get back together. That I should be single and waiting for him for at least a year. That I wasn't allowed to be in the same room as him and/or talk to him (we had a ton of classes together). That I had one hour of visitation with him on the weekends.

How stupid am I that I agreed to all of that! I turned into a ghost and withered away to nothing for months. I stayed at college over the summers in hope he might change his mind sooner. I tried to find any reason to talk to him without getting him made.

Finally I started to break the rules and go on one or two blind dates that never worked out. I finally met a guy, and we hit it off. My ex flipped out and started screaming at me. Telling me I was deceitful and that I purposefully went behind his back during the week he was gone at his brother's wedding. (I think that is what gave me the courage). He called me all sorts of nasty names.

After that he started to hack my email and confront me about everything. He watched my every move and when the guy came to visit me, and when he did either threatened to beat the guys face in with a bat and or threaten to kill himself unless I stopped him. I ended up breaking up with the guy after a month because I couldn't take it any more. Get this. On the day I broke up with my new boyfriend, I was so upset, my ex came to comfort me and had me sleep over at his place so he could help me. He also let me know that we still weren't getting back together and I would have to wait longer.

I still was friends with this new guy so we hung out the next couple months after we broke up and at the hands of my ex I suffered like there was no tomorrow. I wasn't allowed to be happy at all. He stalked me and watched for me and would come over and scream and yell, and sometimes hit.

Another Christmas break came around, a full year after all this drama unfolded. I went home hoping to get some peace from all this guy did to me. My new guy friend even came to visit me in my home town to cheer me up. The day he left to go back home, my ex started chatting with me online. He told me that decided a little while ago to start seeing one of my friends behind my back. That the old rules from the year before where going to be reapplied to me and told me more about how I was going to suffer yet another year.

I had enough. I dropped out of school that very minute and called my guy friend. He quickly got the ok for me to stay with him at his parents and started working on getting me into a new school. (I married this guy 2 years later). Still after I left I continued to suffer from this guy. I tormented me no matter what, but I still couldn't stop thinking about him.  I spent hours in my car screaming at the tops of my lungs on how he could betray me like that. I loved my ex like I have never loved anyone. I was angry because part of me still loved him.

It has been 5 years since that intial break up that started all of this. I still can't stop thinking about him. I still can't stop tracking him. I know where he works, and where he lives. I am constantly thinking of ways that I can come up with to let him know I am still watching him or even how I can run into him. I big part of me and still dying to be in his life and I don't know why. I just want to be a better person. I have always worked hard to right relationships and friendships that have been damage. I want everyone to like me. Why do I care about him.

I must be crazy.

Eternity0320 Eternity0320
4 Responses Mar 10, 2010

This seems to me to be a real dominant/submissive relationship. its like you and your ex are both people that just have this darker side, and have adopted these roles with each other. Watch the movie Secretary for an example of what I mean (the psychology of it, not the sex part). Anyway I am not saying this justifies it, nor am I an advocate of that lifestyle, and if you are caused great pain by it you are probably better off without him anyway. But that's just how I see it.

this was terrible of your ex & it is not your fault at all!

http://www.thirdage.com/today/dating/cant-let-go-of-a-bad-relationship<br />
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Cut and copy that and read that the some of her subsequent articles. OH BOY did they help me understand why I got caught up in this head trip, maybe it will help you. I so relate to your addiction my friend.<br />
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Susan Anderson, Ph.D., wrote the above articles. She is GREAT.

First of all, I don't believe that you're crazy. Your ex made you feel that way. He's a controlling double-standard misogynist who has made you miserable. You made the best decision by running away from him.<br />
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What you may be doing is romanticizing only the good times y'all had together, even though you have spelled out his inadequacies here. It might be a good idea to speak to a professional about these issues, not because I think you're problematic, but because a professional will help you to sort out your feelings in an ob<x>jective way. <br />
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Good luck to you. :)