I Feel Like I Am Losing My Mind
My husband and I got married in March of 2007..we started dating October 31, 2006...in the meantime we became pregnant. Before we got married I began to doubt my decision and I told myself it was just a case of the jitters and pregnancy hormones.. now I am starting to believe that I should have listened to myself a long time ago.
From the outside looking in we have a picture perfect marriage; beautiful baby girl, new house, fancy vehicles..and my husband makes enough money to support us without me having to return to the work force. So some would say...then why are you unhappy? My answer is this..I love my daughter, I love him for giving her to me..but I also have grown to resent him for taking my identity away from me. Since I have met him I have lost myself somewhere in between and I feel like I have become a slave to him and my little girl. And on top of that I am not passionate about our relationship. I love him..but I don't have the feelings of BEING in love with him. I don't try to go out of my way to make him happy anymore because then it just ends up being a cover up for all of the issues I am angry about.
Let me say that my husband is not a bad man..he works hard and he has good morals, but I don't see the ambition he puts towards his work and hobbies being applied to his responsibilities as a father. I feel like I do almost everything..I understand that I am a stay at home mom and that is "my job"..but I don't think that gives a man a free pass for his parental responsibilities. For example..I know that no matter what I have to be responsible for my daughter at all times of the day no matter where she is or what I am doing. Where as he can come and go as he pleases because he knows that she is taken care of...without any worries.
It's not just the lack of parenting it's the resent of his freedom to pursue his hobbies, the constant demand for sex that is comparable to **** flicks...the never ending comparisons to how much harder he works, how much more he is in pain...the list goes on and on. I can never stand out with him, I feel like I am in his shadow..and I am so angry at him for that. Another example, while I was in labor all he could do was inform everyone around of the pain that he was in and how exhausted he was! While I was getting my epidural he had the audacity to ask the doctor if he thought that his elbow was broken. Might I ad that he crashed his four wheeler two days before while playing with the boys. This is just a prime example that I can never win with him.
I could go on forever. The bottom line is I am so close to just throwing in the towel. I just don't know what to do anymore..I don't know if I am being irrational or if these are problems that are legitimate. I just want to disappear sometimes..but I can't because who would take care of our little girl? lol