I Feel Like I Am Losing My Mind

   My husband and I got married in March of 2007..we started dating October 31, 2006...in the meantime we became pregnant. Before we got married I began to doubt my decision and I told myself it was just a case of the jitters and pregnancy hormones.. now I am starting to believe that I should have listened to myself a long time ago.

  From the outside looking in we have a picture perfect marriage; beautiful baby girl, new house, fancy vehicles..and my husband makes enough money to support us without me having to return to the work force. So some would say...then why are you unhappy? My answer is this..I love my daughter, I love him for giving her to me..but I also have grown to resent him for taking my identity away from me. Since I have met him I have lost myself somewhere in between and I feel like I have become a slave to him and my little girl. And on top of that I am not passionate about our relationship. I love him..but I don't have the feelings of BEING in love with him. I don't try to go out of my way to make him happy anymore because then it just ends up being a cover up for all of the issues I am angry about.

   Let me say that my husband is not a bad man..he works hard and he has good morals, but I don't see the ambition he puts towards his work and hobbies being applied to his responsibilities as a father. I feel like I do almost everything..I understand that I am a stay at home mom and that is "my job"..but I don't think that gives a man a free pass for his parental responsibilities. For example..I know that no matter what I have to be responsible for my daughter at all times of the day no matter where she is or what I am doing. Where as he can come and go as he pleases because he knows that she is taken care of...without any worries.

   It's not just the lack of parenting it's the resent of his freedom to pursue his hobbies,  the constant demand for sex that is comparable to **** flicks...the never ending comparisons to how much harder he works, how much more he is in pain...the list goes on and on. I can never stand out with him, I feel like I am in his shadow..and I am so angry at him for that.  Another example, while I was in labor all he could do was inform everyone around of the pain that he was in and how exhausted he was! While I was getting my epidural he had the audacity to ask the doctor if he thought that his elbow was broken. Might I ad that he crashed his four wheeler two days before while playing with the boys. This is just a prime example that I can never win with him.

  I could go on forever. The bottom line is I am so close to just throwing in the towel. I just don't know what to do anymore..I don't know if I am being irrational or if these are problems that are legitimate. I just want to disappear sometimes..but I can't because who would take care of our little girl? lol



danediva danediva
5 Responses Jul 29, 2008

I feel your pain. My husband had a 6 yr old son when we married. I had a 9 yr old son & 13 yr old daughter. We now have a 5 yr old daughter together. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 yrs. I was in the United States Air Force for 11 yrs & taught aerobics for 15. We have moved 4 times in 6 yrs, due to my husband's job. My husband has never connected with my kids. He has custody of his son & has expected me to mother him. His son is now almost 13 & we can't bear to be in the same rm. My husband's dislike for my kids & his inability to support my goals have numbed me inside. I used to adore my husband but watching him create a hostile environment for my children, this has drained me. I don't have a college degree. I am now at the point in my life where our daughter is starting school. I want to explore my interest. He says, "what are you going to do with a degree"? Are you going use it or is it just to have? This is his way of saying I am costing him money. I am his 3rd wife and do believe that I am the unluckiest. He has a good heart but it is only for himself & his son. He plays favorites with his son, even over our daughter. I am so tired. My spirit is worn down. He wants me here to take care of him but I really think I deserve more. I grew up without a mom. My sister & I lived together in a tiny trailer when I was 15. We worked & both finished high school. I have always been a hard worker but all he wants is for me to take care of him. I really think I need to take care of me. I have no idea who I am now. I don't know my strengths or weaknesses. I have always been a preventative person and like to be prepared. I have argued this point with him over college. What if something happens to him? All I can say is the blended family arrangement and loss of my own identity has depleted my energy. This is not me:(

I know you wrote this a while back and I hope you're feeling better :)<br />
I've been married for 14yrs and have three kids and although i have worked outside of the house from time to time I'm mainly a stay at home mom. I know exactly how you feel especially about loosing your self identity. My youngest is old enought to start jk this Sept. and I have no idea who I am or what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I've dedicated over a decade of myself for my family and I feel so unappreciated and now trapped.!!! I love my husband and kids dearly... yet there are times when I want to runaway and never look back. <br />
Guess what I'm trying to say is if things haven't improved by now ( which I hope they have ) try to make an effort to make time for yourself and rediscover the person you were or are becoming and don't get lost in the maddness. Time really does fly .....

Talk to him about it and you need to take some time for you find yourself caz your gonna to it with or without him your spirit is screaming for it so take control and find what makes you happy wheather it be hobbies a job do it try it with him then you tried but dont stay slient your become more resentful and it will only make it worse. So if your gonna talk about it with him have a plan a solution of what things you can to to reconnect with yourself and go from there. Good Luck!!!

people think money is the key to happiness. once someone loses their self idetity it sucks. I never thought ide b a stay at home mom it wuz prob something i was afraid of. i never wanted it to happen. I love my daughter so much too but sometimes it gets hard .... men dunt understand that our job never stops. my relationship with him has become very blah , there no connection , hes just works comes home and sleeps. There abs no sex and if there is its like 1 minute which is hurting our relationship n he just doesnt get it.

Here's a question that I have- is this the first child for both of you? I will assume yes and continue on with my comment. I experienced the same thing with my first husband when we started having kids. We married very young and had our first son at age 20. It was natural to me to become a mother, I didn't have the "oh my god what do I do with this little pink screaming thing?!" I picked up on his different cries immediately and went to "work" being Momma. Now Daddy, not so much. The Dad gene never "flipped" for him. He still wanted to be a kid and did not like sharing the limelight with the new baby. We struggled and muddled through the next 10 years of a horrible relationship. The best thing for that marriage is my children. This is the lesson I learned from that- men don't get subtly. You have to spell it out, in detail, what you want from them. They don't know unless we tell them. I am now married to a wonderful man who not only is a great husband, but a fantastic step-father to my kids. Your hormones and emotions are still in over drive from the baby- don't throw in the towel yet...try working on things first.