I Am Having So Much Trouble With My Stepson

I wanted to provide an update to my original story. It has now been about a year. Things are actually going very smoothly, and my stepson will be 15 this year. What changed?



I stopped being the disciplinarian. My wife imposes all consequences, and I enforce. I inform him if he doesn't like it, he has to bring it up to his mom.





This has helped keep the peace in my household more than anything else. I don't always agree with my wife's discipline for him, but I stay out of it. My stepson actually admitted he hated taking discipline from me, as I am not his dad. Please remember, I came into his life when he had just turned seven. I've been around long enough to impose direction if I need.



While yes, he can be a pain in the *** sometimes. I do love him and I do wish the best for him to help him succeed.

Experience Project is such a great concept, should be like a support group where people can share things that are bothering them in an open minded environment. Unfortunately that's not always happening in practice because of users like BeckyRomero. I've read several of her responses to stepfather's sharing their stories here, which led me to checking out her profile. BeckyRomero is hellbent on taking out her baggage from her stepfather on any other stepfather here on EP, giving them all the blame for their family troubles. I seriously doubt BeckyRomero's depiction of her stepfather is honest either. Her multiple stories about "accidentally" exposing herself scream of someone desperately craving attention, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she just made up stories about her stepfather just to garner sympathy. I normally wouldn't call someone out for likely making up stories to get attention, but considering how disrespectful of others BeckyRomero is with her unprovoked rants, she doesn't deserve the consideration others here do.

I am in a similar situation. My step son has never approved of me. He says and acts differently around others but actions speak louder than words. I have always maintained that a certain level of respect MUST be upheld in a family. By both children and adults. My step son has been violent in the past and every time I try to step in and put an end to it my wife does not see things the way I see them. Her vision is clouded by the fact that he has autism. I understand that autism is in many forms a behavior issue, but when he is breaking noses and right after realizing what he's done is wrong then that's a different story. He is also beginning again to "bully" my other son. Snaking him around and all. Those types of behavior should not be tolerated in any family setting. I am also at a loss for why to do. I think a trip to the police station might let him see what the big picture is. But then I also have to worry about what "momma bear" will say. Being a step parent is by no means easy. I think it is one of the more difficult parentings to do (for everyone involved ). I wish all step parents out there the best of luck. If you feel like throwing in the towel please don't. Think of your other family members ( other kids, spouse ). I'm sure they don't want to see you go.

On a side note the busting through the locked door. Cudose to you. I also was presented with that situation the other day. My step son locked himself in the bathroom. When I told him I needed to use the bathroom he told me to " **** in the kitchen sink ". Grabbed the key unlocked the door dragged him out. Kids need to know when they have crossed the line of respect. In no way do I find it violent. I think more on the assertive side. No 13 kid is going to dictate when and where I go to the bathroom. EVER. Thanks all for reading this and good luck.

It is a difficult position for all. I am the mother in such a situation. I feel like I am in the middle all the time. I know my son acts like a jerk to my husband but he still expects me to take his side. My husband wants to completely push my grown son out of our lives and I can't do that either. I wish I knew what to say to these situations. I feel like I am being torn in two. If you and your wife are not able to set up boundaries that you both agree on then you have no chance. Good luck.

I must side with the stepfather. This is a problem that can only end in sadness for the stepfather. Obviously the mother is having difficulty setting precedence over the relationship and the son is not budging. He was there first. Maybe sometime away might make her see things in a different light or open up some unseen doors for the stepfather......good luck.

Quoting you: ''all I can do is be a positive roll model for him''



An adult ''role model'' who pushes a pre-teenage boy to the ground and then stands over him and laughs?



An adult "role model who ''jokes'' to the whole family that a 16-year old kid can either get a job he'll be kicked out and told to join the Army (what Army exactly is that who will accept a 16YO? Libya's?)



Quoting you: ''I think it is a male thing, in nature we would kill the male offspring of our mates and have our own, recognising this in myself allows me to take into account and be accepting.''



If you really feel that way, then I suggest that you bond with ''nature." ***** naked, get down on all fours, find a lioness and have her start pumping out manticores.

(I have only been a step father figure for 3 years)



My to be step son is just approaching 13 (next week) but we have had the **** you argumnet, we have had the squareing up to each other, we have had the get out of my house and never darken my doorstep again argument.



And all through it I have kept one mantra....... he will grow up soon, he will grow up soon, he will grow up soon.....



He even squared up to me as if he wanted to take a swing, Which I then pushed him over and laughed. He has never done it since.



all I can do is be a positive roll model for him, and try to keep him on the straight and narrow.



I keep telling him the rules and choosing which ones to fight on and which ones to be lax on.



(family joke is we have rented his room out for 3 years time when he is 16, he can get a job or joing the army)



But all through it is the effort I put in to letting him know, that no matter what the s*it he gives has no effect (although nawing on my liver inside).



I have sat down with hiim after blow outs and said if he wants treated as a growing boy then we will talk like a growing boy if he wants to act as a child I will treat as a child and then engaged him in getting him to say what he thinks is wrong and implementing some of his ideas on how to fix it (whehrt they work or not)



I think it is a male thing, in nature we would kill the male offspring of our mates and have our own, recognising this in myself (whtehr crap or not) allows me to take into account and be accepting.



When it has caused agro between my partner and me I have just said fine, you deal with these type of issue and refuse to get involved apart from backing up her decisions. That way I am not the baddy and he sees that is mother is the discipliner (whter she lets him off with it or not)

Just how exactly did you ''blow through'' a locked door without being violent?



Perhaps it was a good idea that your wife asked you to leave. Maybe she thought you just needed to cool down a bit. You stated yourself: ''I am beyond angry.''



To me it seems many parents/step-parents on EP who are in uncomfortable relationships are either seeking advice, seeking justification (of their position) or just blowing off steam.



If you are just blowing off steam, so be it. Good luck.



But if you are seeking advice or justification or just looking for others' viewpoints, you might want to try expanding on your summary.



For example, what caused your stepson to give you the proverbial finger that particular night?



Sometimes words can hurt, too. Did an argument between the two of you over something lead to harsh things said by you that then in turn led to what you perceived as a lack of respect?



Not accusing you of that. It's just that when my stepdad and I got into a heated argument over a bikini he saw me wearing that I intended to wear to the beach, the war of words quickly escalated and culminated with me over his lap, my bottoms pulled down and receiving a quite humiliating spanking in front of my younger brother and his 12-year old playmate (a boy who I regularly babysat). In my stepdad's eyes, of course, it was all my fault for refusing to obey him and it was my ''lack of respect'' which further justified my need for discipline and punishment.



What went after ''the first of many things'' when your wife asked you to leave? Did you leave? If so, did you return home?



You said you ''feel she always protects him.'' Protects him from what, since you said you have never ''physically disciplined him.'' Have you threatened to? Does she? Do you feel he needs physical discipline? For what reasons?



In any case, hope things work out the best for all of you.