16 Yr Old Step Daughter Violent Tantrum

There had been previous tension between my 16 yr old step daughter and I from the beginning. And the wife always blames me for not being an adult and ignoring the insulting behavior. She needed us to drive with her one sunny Saturday to satisfy the driving education requirement. After about a half hour of watching her swerve over to the wrong side of the road, time after time, and then having her reach down to the floor to pick up a bag of sunflower seeds, and put a handful in her mouth, I busted. It had been welling in me, and naturally my wife doesn't say a word. But I do not yell, I say, "this is not going to be tolerated any longer. You consistantly drive on the wrong side of the road, and do not take driving serious, so we are going to a parking lot now and you'll go over the basics until you get the message". My wife says nothing, but then rolls her eyes to the daughter as she takes the wheel. The daughter is now behind me in the Honda Mini van. The daughter then reports she doesn't have time, and she wants to go home. Wife says nothing, and I pop. I say, "I'm sick of the fu----- attitutde all the time. You do not run the show, at least not any more. And if you have a problem with that, call your dad and inform him he will get you a car, and be responsible if you kill someone as you are driving like a spoiled brat. I'm NOT going to let your careless attitude bankrupt me". Then she blew, BIG TIME, aside from all the most hateful words, she was punching my headrest, kicking punching the back of the seat I was in, which lasted for a good 3 minutes. It is a long time when you are being basically violated.  Naturally wife didn't say a word to stop the onslaught, and even offered, "I felt like doing the same thing"!!!  Our marriage has not been the same since. I honestly think that one episode was the last straw of the others.

I have tried to relay as best as possible without going into depth. Eventhough back story on what the daughter has gone through in her parents divorce due to her mom's infidelity. I'm ready for feed back.

 

 

Fedupbutovr40 Fedupbutovr40
36-40, M
20 Responses Mar 26, 2009

Tell your wife you will take real action if this continues & will put a restraining/ no contact order on her & send her home. The law will keep her away & suggest to her school principle, Dr & mother she see a psychiatrist or counsellor. Perhaps they can help her reach an acceptable level of behaviour. Under no circumstance should you tolerate physical abuse for your own safety & for her own good - this kid needs proffesional help. Take care

That really upsetting. At the same time you can't take the place of her father. She may have some resentment towards you seeing that your not her father but your with her mother. I can so understand why your wife hasn't said anything. Maybe because she's in the middle she loves the both of you. If she takes her daughters side it upsets you. If she takes your side it may make her think her mother would rather lose her instead if you. So my suggestion is just sit down and talk to her. I know teenagers are hard to talk to but just talk to her. Let her know you want what's best for her. Also that your not trying to run her life but make her succeed. I wish you the best !

Even thou see is sixteen respect is due. She should be spanked to teach her your her father now.

becky romero you make me sick,,,this section is for struggling strpparents to find some solice from like minded people,not your pathetic attacks,go get some more therapy then tou may be capable of making some friends and getting a life!

BeckyRomero really lacks any sense of self-awareness to write such a reply. When she says "It's so much easier to simply attack and tear down another person rather than the message you disagree with," it's as if she hasn't even read her own comments, which are filled with attacks and attempts to tear down other people. <br />
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And of course there is her usual defensive response, that if someone disapproves of her vitriolic tone, they must be a misogynist who was unsuccessful with women.<br />
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BeckyRomero talks like someone who has had a lot of therapy, but rather than gaining insight from it, she has picked up a few blunt weapons to wield at people. Very sad.

Let's see. As of today, according to EP:<br />
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"Rex76 has not joined any groups yet."<br />
"Rex76 has not written any stories yet."<br />
"Rex76 has not answered any questions yet."<br />
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Makes one wonder why someone that has used EP very little so far is nevertheless so hellbent (to borrow a phrase) on criticizing another EP member that they've gone to the trouble of posting the same message on several story boards.<br />
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Rejection perhaps? Perhaps because of being blocked?<br />
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Of course, I'm not surprised at all by such behavior. A guy doesn't get what he wants, doesn't get his unsolicited emails returned, etc., so he acts out, using the nearest bathroom room to trash the girl who rejected him. Only now the internet has replaced the mens' room stall walls to give such men the feeling of vindication, a feeling of 'i'll show that b*tch'' and ''teach her a lesson'' to make up for their own ''inadequacies'' (so to speak).<br />
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After all, taking the time to write a response to actually comment and counterpoint something you might otherwise disagree with takes time and usually at least some intelligence. It's so much easier to simply attack and tear down another person rather than the message you disagree with.

Experience Project is such a great concept, should be like a support group where people can share things that are bothering them in an open minded environment. Unfortunately that's not always happening in practice because of users like BeckyRomero. I've read several of her responses to stepfather's sharing their stories here, which led me to checking out her profile. BeckyRomero is hellbent on taking out her baggage from her stepfather on any other stepfather here on EP, giving them all the blame for their family troubles. I seriously doubt BeckyRomero's depiction of her stepfather is honest either. Her multiple stories about "accidentally" exposing herself scream of someone desperately craving attention, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she just made up stories about her stepfather just to garner sympathy. I normally wouldn't call someone out for likely making up stories to get attention, but considering how disrespectful of others BeckyRomero is with her unprovoked rants, she doesn't deserve the consideration others here do.

You stated that you tried to relay your story without going into too much depth, this is my point exactly, everyone is commenting on your life but are not there to live and feel it like you. How on earth can anyone try to explain family life when there are emotional connections going on all the time. I have been married to my husband for 11years and with him for 15years. My boy was 2 when we met with little contact with his biological father at first. Then as time went on his real father decided he wanted regular contact, over the years he has kept his promise to my son and tried to make the effort to be in his life regulary. His father and my husband and I love him very much and we work together. My son is a lovely boy deep down and his step-dad and me take credit for that but unfortunately it hasn't been easy, like most single mums you feel almost guilty at times for his loss of not having his real father with you and these feelings are so overwelming sometimes and mainly in my experience came out when I felt my husband was correcting my son .When my husband tells our other two children off I jst sit back and let him, if I think he was too hard on them (don't mean physicall) I let him no when the children are not there, I didn't do this with my son. Since the age of I would say 8 or 9 my son started rearly pushing boundries with verbal conflict and answering back. Instead of me backing my husband infront of my son I would try to not take sides but this never showed my son any respect for me or his stpefather, there have been horrible times when the situation has all got out of hand. My husband has never ever raised his hand to his step son untill the last 4 years when he grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shouted at him to buck up, stop acting like you don't care about anyone and have respect for your mother and me. We have given him everything and now he has decided to leave at 17 not to stay with his dad because he doesn't like his dads rules either but to stay with my sister who has never liked my husband or tried to be positive in any way because she has issues in her own life , he can no do what he likes, stay round his girlfriends house (who punched me in the face when I said i wanted to talk to my son.) Yep that sentence again 'i,ve tried to relay my story without too much depth' Hang in there go with your heart, look at the bigger picture and if your morals are the same as your wifes like I know my husbands are, your step daughter will figure it out one day. We are only human at the end of the day as long as we can be honest with ourselves the truth will privail in the end.

BeckyRomero and PrimeSpanker arguments is what typifies the psychology of the situation that is told here. It will just go on and on without end, going deeper in hatred and further the history that will invoke, then usually comes in circle, and then back again. This a sort of a 3rd-person's perspective.<br />
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If this will help "I Am a Stepfather" the situation from afar, and assuming his shoes: I won't go down to that level of argument with my stepdaughter-wife. This what I call maturity. Anybody who losses their cool is not mature enough that your daughter's attitude, as well as your wife's, can unsettle you.<br />
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If you can control anger, you control yourself, and you will have a more diplomatic approach on the situation.<br />
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Focusing on this specific situation, and discounting all other aggravating circumstances. This what you should have done.<br />
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If you truthfully are aimed for your daughter to learn, you should have simply give her pointers, suggestions and guidelines on driving, explaining the pros and cons. This talk should have been done diplomatically, like a professional lecturer, without invoking any other matters (such as about the father).<br />
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She may take it or leave it, but what ever the reaction, you must act like a person with wisdom, and do not argue. Remember always that you will not go down her level of immaturity. Respect is something that you earn, and something that you forces to others.<br />
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Deal with your daughter with both care and restraints. Remember, you are not at her level.<br />
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If I will be the focus of such tantrum, I will simply look at her without emotion and reaction, then say, : Are you OK now? I hope that will make you feel better. Then leave.<br />
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If you are consistent, eventually, the hostilities will cease as you are no longer a "threat" unconsciously, to her. Your genuine caring for her welfare will eventually make you have a win-win relationship.<br />
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Your wife will eventually recognize that you are person that you can be trusted with her daughter's welfare.<br />
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Man, don't be a child.

She's a teenager at an age when they're not big on listening to authority figures. Plus you're acting like her dad, when you're not.<br />
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The real problem isn't the girl, who's behaving pretty normally for her age and situation. It's your wife. And your marriage seems to be the thing that's not working out. The daughter might be picking up on that vibe.<br />
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If you can get the marriage sorted out, your relationship with your stepdaughter will fall into place a few years from now when she becomes an adult.

Typical feminist arrogance by some people to ASSUME it's always the male's fault, no matter what. Even if he's the guy the mother cheated on her former husband with, who's fault is it ? Didn't say that only a male parent is capable of earning a paycheck, however, in this particular case, it sounds like the female parent is only capable of being a stupid ***** and If the little brat wants to live with her real dad, that's up to her real parents to decide, not the original poster. As long as she's living under his roof, she needs to show him more respect than cussing and punching the back seat of his car while he's driving. As I said, he's going to do her a huge favor by setting her some boundaries anyway. The *****'s on her way to becoming a *****, just like her mother.

For all we know, the stepdad could be unemployed. Maybe the mom is paying all the bills? Typical sexist arrogance by some people to ASSUME that only a male parent is capable of earning a paycheck!<br />
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Furthermore, the author wrote, ''back story on what the daughter has gone through in her parents divorce due to her mom's infidelity.''<br />
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So maybe the girl didn't even want to live with him in the first place? Maybe she wanted to live with her real dad? Who did her mom have the affair with? The same guy she is married to now perhaps? The girl's attitude could most certainly be understandable!

Sounds like you let the little ***** step all over you, so why are you surprised ? You should have stopped the car and give the little brat a spanking on her bare *** right there. Aren't YOU the one paying all her bills ? Aren't YOU the one buying food for her to eat ? Aren't YOU the one putting a roof over her head ? You need to be tough with her and set some boundaries or it's going to get much worse. You'll be doing the little brat a huge favor anyway. Teenage girls need a strong father figure in their lives not a doormat, otherwise they end up seeking attention from men in other ways later in their lives.<br />
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...and it sounds like the wife needs some attitude adjustment as well.

When she expressed her annoyance with you, then why didn't all of you go home as she wanted? But nooooo. Instead, YOU threw a temper tantrum, swore at her, brought up her father and then insulted her.<br />
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Sanoj has a good point. Let her take the driving test and if she fails, she fails.<br />
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Why is it so important that she get a drivers' license anyway? Doesn't sound like she much cares to get one. Not only that, but if she drives as negligent as you are making it sound, it is better that she is NOT on the road. Driving around in circles at some parking lot is not going to make her a safer driver.<br />
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But why don't you face it? It wasn't sunflower seeds that have been giving you an itch up your ***. It's your stepdaughter's perceiving attitude towards you. Sounds like you are either demanding respect or love from her and not getting it - instead of trying to EARN IT.

I am raising my second teenager from the same marraige. You are not alone. I fought with my wife through one teen girl. I married her mom when she just turned 13. I have been through the same situations. Mothers are blind. I thought it was just because I hadn't raised her and Mom would never let me be the insider. But the other child was only four and now he's fifteen. Same problems. She absoultley continues to drive devides into our marriage. And has even told him that she is not happy. This is just the tip of the iceburg. I am going to stick to what I know is right. I have to be committed. I do not want these children being shorted of what I accepted the responibility for.

Well, my hats off to you - in that at least you got a reaction out of your stepdaughter. I'm sure you have heard, stepdad/step daughter scenarios are THE MOST DIFFICULT step scenarious. My step daughter copes by being COLD. In reflecting on your story, and trying to provide insight; I would consider looking at your stepdaughter as a situation (not so much a person). I know its hard as hell, because all you do is give, give, give, and the step daughter just takes, takes, and no thanks. However, I would say this is the HARD price of being the adult in the MOST DIFFICULT STEP SCENARIO ON PLANET EARTH (someone has to pay a price - and a 16, 17, 18 year old girl probably isn't going to step up much on a situation that she never had a vote about, and never asked for in the first place). Just remember to pick your battles very carefully, rarely, and make sure there is a high ROI (return on your investment). If munching seeds and weeving are really in play here, then let the driving examiner be the bad guy when he hands her a failed exam. And later, when you address her about the failed exam, poke her a little (in jest, but with a point), by saying "was it the snacks you were munching, or your weaving that he didn't go for". You are not alone, just remember, Life is the greatest parent of all, if she isn't getting the deserved "kicks is in the ***" at home, life will surely give them to her. Then you don't have to be the bad guy, and she gets to learn her lessons the best way, the HARD way. ================================================My formerly COLD step daughter was pregnant at 18, married at 19, divorced at 21. She is luke-warm now, finishing college (with my $$ Help of course). HARD, HARD lessons, but I see her shaping up - she still has a long way to go though. I do care about her.

She never asked for you in the relationship you have come after a divorce. It isn't a right or wrong thing but you have to understand that step parents can be rightly or wrongly hated, or deeply blamed for the divorce or disruption in a young persons life, they never asked for you to be in their life never mind wanting to take anything from you, you call it spoilt I call it misunderstood, her behaviour is bad and sadly you do sound like a nice stepfather, wish I could say the same for all of them out there, but in this case she was bang out or order, I think you two need to have a chat and to get to the bottom of what is going on, just ask her straight, say to her " I know you hate my guts, why?" and then say, look I am with your mother now and lay your claims, like I appreciate you are your mums daughter I am not your father but I would at least hope we can be friends in this somehow, and let her think about it, you never know, she is also a young woman now, and she probably has rebellion issues going on, maybe is fed up of being told what to do, could be a million things but I think the best way to know is to be direct and ask her and be prepared to hear some stuff you may not want to hear but if you can handle that maturely then that will probably unravel what this is all about and at least clear the air and set the premise that is realistic for you all to be able to live up to as a family unit.

Wow as a "step-mom" I sympathize. I put the step-mom in parenthesis because I never did get to make a bond with my step-kids and have no relationship with them now that I am not with their father, which makes me sad because my daughters are their half-sisters :( anyway back on topic. My first husband had the biggest bond with my oldest. There was tension at first and it caused a lot of tension between him and I. I admit that I was a large part of the problem. I felt a certain amount of responsibility for having uprooting her life when I left her dad and due to the guilt I carried for that she had me wrapped around her little finger. I over babied her and tried to be her friend because I felt like I might lose her love, and I always felt in competition with her father to be the "favorite". I would actually get mad when my husband tried to discipline her in any way and often I would contradict him just to win my daughters affection. I was so absorbed with her that I totally neglected him in the process often trampling his feelings to make her feel better. At the time I didn't realize what I was doing and the effect it had on him. He just stumbled into a very unstable situation. And the poor guy tried so hard to gain her acceptance. If she wanted it it was hers. She of course continued to be combative and acted as though she couldn't stand him, just to keep the fuel on the fire and keep my attention. Well the day finally came that he had had enough and pretty much laid down the law to me stating he was either going to be allowed to be a part of her life and play his parental role or it was going to be over. Well it took time but little by little I stood up to her, let go a little and allowed him to fulfill his role. To my astonishment their relationship did blossom and in the end (before it got nasty between us) they had a good relationship. Once she realized that her game was over she settled in. I regret that it didn't happen sooner and that I was too blind to see what was going on. I'm not saying you need to give your wife that ultimatum just that maybe what she needs is a wake-up call. But do say what you mean and mean whatever it is that you choose to say! I wish you and your family the best of luck and hope that one day your relationship with your step will improve and blossom also!

why not have your wife teach her daughter how to drive instead of you it is her responsibility to dicipline her not you <br />
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and why not get her into a formal driving instruction class that can TEACH her how to drive so you are not a factor

wow. i can only imagine that's what i'm in for in 3 years. my step is a spoiled brat and has no respect either.<br />
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my heart goes out to you. i would never allow my kids to treat another adult much less one that's supporting them in this manner.<br />
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why do you stay in your relationship? sometimes I wonder why i have stayed in mine.