To Be Or Not to Be (again) That Is the Question?

I need to have this off my chest. I just came from Miami, with my hopes all gone to get along with my boyfriend's (husband to be) ex-wife, her family and concerned that this would affect my great relationship with his daughter.


We all live outside USA, but my boyfriend's daughter had to be operated because of an eye problem. I wanted to see her, so I went for the weekend, to let her know she is important to me. But everything came out horribly, me and my boyfriend went to the see her (he still is staying in Miami and comes this week). I waited on the reception area, when I heard his ex-wife telling him that he must be there for their daughter (he already had a week in Miami taking care too of their daughter), and then I knew I was not welcome. (They are extreme catholics and conservative)

I waited, he went upstairs with her, then he came down and said to me that I could come up. I really was scared and told him, that I did not want to cause any trouble, but he insisted I came up, that he was tired of their attitude and that he was giving me my place. So I went up, I entered the room, and gave his daughter a bag of gifts, his ex-wife was sitting there with a mad face, then her mom came in, that was when everything exploded. Apparently her mom felt insulted that I was there (but it was not a surprise because my boyfriend told his ex wife that I was going to see their daughter two days before and she did not say anything!)

I only said "good afternoon" and her mom look at me and said, I can't believe all the trouble your causing" (she did this in front of the girl) I felt horrible, I went outside with her and told her I did not want to cause any trouble, but she scrammed at me crying hysterically that I was causing it, that her granddaughter needed her father, his ex-wife told her to stay away, and 'talk' to me. She told me she was in pain, I told her I understood, she told me that I was not welcome, that Joe had decided to separate and then divorced her (the separation was more than 2 years ago) and that her family was still very hurt (not my business). That she knows I am with him, and that she did not care what we did together, but that her daughter need her dad. (He was there for a week now seeing her and taking care of her everyday, just like them). I told her, that I told him that he would not neglect his daughter while I was there. She told me I would never be part of her family, I said: I don't pretend to be, I only want to get along with your daughter. There was more conversation about other events, boy shortly after that, she left.

I went down the elevator, and cried all evening. My boyfriend stayed with me, telling me he was sorry about what happened.

I care so much about his daughter and we get along well, I am really scared her mom and grandmother would put her against me.

The following days, I stayed in Miami, I stayed with my niece during the day so he could be with his daughter. I never pretended he neglected his daughter while I was there.

I put his daughter on my medical health plan, and although they are not using it as a primary health plan it is still a secondary health plan, and last Monday, while I was still in Miami, he used it to buy some eye drops that would cost a fortune if it wasn't for my health plan. I know that one gives without expecting nothing in return, but I think they are being very unfair.

I don't know if I did wrong. I am now in my home country. I had plans to buy a property and marry my now boyfriend in the following months. But now I am having second thoughts (I am already divorced with no children, but had two stepchildren and we got along well too). My boyfriend is a great guy, he loves me and treats me with respect, but still I don't know if all this pain is worth it.

Please I need some advice, because I feel overwhelmed, I am not used to these dramas. I am a happy person. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this. But still, is it fair for me to throw everything away because of this? I get along with him and his daughter, but I know their family could easily make my life miserable.







mistela mistela
1 Response Apr 8, 2008

Continue to stand by your man. He sounds fantastic, and good ones are very rare and hard to find. I think you've already won all of the battle that you need to fight: Your fiance' loves you and his daughter seems to love you and you love them. Don't let that go. If his daughter's mother's family wants to be a bunch of jerks, let them. Hopefully you won't have to face a lion's den again like the one you just described. I imagine that all the people involved simply were very emotional and worried about the child (not to make excuses for their horrible behavior). Hang in there! I'm facing a lot of the same....