Am I A Terrible Person?!?!?

I have been a stepmom for less than a year and in the meantime I've had a child of my own. My problem with my husband and his 4 year old daughter (my stepdaughter) is that when she is around it seems as though me and our son are of very little importance. When she is at our house they spend most of their time together cuddled up on the couch watching movies and she follows him around EVERYWHERE including the bathroom. She gets jealous if he shows affection towards me or our son, or talks to me for too long, so my husband displays very little towards us on those days and lets her interrupt me when him and I are talking. On the days when he doesn't have custody of her he spends a lot of time talking about how much he misses her and has even left me and our son at home to go spend time with his daughter and ex-wife. Three weeks after our son was born my husband informed me that he felt I wasn't doing enough to help him out with his daughter and that I wasn't spending enough time with her and because of that he felt as though I hated his daughter and if I couldn't get along with her then our marriage was essentially over. I have tried my best to move past that, but ever since our relationship has definitely changed for the worst.

I can't help but feel a lot of resentment towards the both of them and I feel horrible about it. My stepdaughter, while very spoiled, is a sweet child and I know she loves me and her baby brother. My husband is a good guy and let me quit my job to stay home with our son after his birth. I just feel third best in comparison to his daughter and his ex-wife and her family. Even my husband's mother has done her best to make me feel uncomfortable by telling me that his daughter is the most important person in the family and that so long as I love her that's what really matters.

I love my entire family and want my marriage to last until our deaths. I have tried talking to my husband multiple times about these situations and he either blows them off as 'women's hormones' or gets angry with me for having bad feelings towards his relationship with his daughter. What can I do to get over these feelings of anger and resentment? I feel as though they are poisoning my marriage and our family life and I have begun to feel very depressed about that. Am I really an evil stepmother???
BronzeMedal BronzeMedal
8 Responses Jul 15, 2010

My stepmother has wrecked my relationship with my father and I am broken hearted as he never stands up for me and believes every bad thing she says about me. I guess it's not easy to be in either position but I wish I had stood up for my rights as a daughter more when my dad first brought Judy home. She punched me in the face and so I left home and my dad still doesn't believe how badly I was abused by her. Tonight I am saying goodbye to my father forever as I can't be reduced to tears constantly when I now have a wonderful life of my own and an amazing fiancé. Nothing will replace my dad, please remember that when you deal with your stepdaughter. I'm sure you are a wonderful person but its really hard to lose your daddy. You might have more then one husband, but there is only ever one daddy.
Peace and love.

I had a stepmom and I was really mean her and told her she was not my mom and i would never accept her and swore at her, she was very nice to me to and never did anything mean to mean i feel bad now for all the yrs i hurt her i was 12 wheb they got married and i made her life a living hell mom git my sis and my dad got me ( he hated menqith did not make things easier) every time we did talk she would be like how was your day and i would say things lile shut up pam i dont care what you say and she would be like dont use that tone with me young lady i am your mother and i would say no your not my mom and idfc if you die and she was like you cant talk to me like that then i would yell i hate you and she would trll me to leave the room and she would cry u dont wont that for u i was a butch and we r ok now nut make sure that she respects you

i am struggling with the same insecurities and anxieties. i will be getting married in 2 months to a man that i absolutely without a doubt adore! he is wonderful at making me feel loved and careful not to neglect our relationship even though he has a 5 year old little girl. however, the mother is very much in our lives and i get sick to my stomach when i hear about their "lunch dates" to talk about her schooling or when he lends the mother money or when his family talks about how much they miss the mother. she and i get along just fine and no one intentionally makes me feel uncomfortable, but it's there and i struggle and i can feel myself resenting his beautiful little girl sometimes and that terrifies me. my step daughter and i have a fun relationship, she calls me her best friend but somehow i am still selfish enough in this to have ill feelings about her being number one in his life before me, his wife. this feels so wrong and yet no matter how i try to control my emotions it keeps coming back in waves. i hope you find a path to peace in your struggle and please, PLEASE if you find any advice useful... pass it on to me? best of luck.

You are not a terrible person. His relationship with you should be this first priority and then his relationship with his children,second. But I have also learned that unfortunatly first family comes first.<br />
Being a stepmom isnt easy. Its not a walk in the park or piece of cake kind of life. I wouldnt put up with the way he is treating you. You need to let him know how you feel. Hes problably going to be on the defense but dont worry, your in the right. Your child is the one who is going to suffer for his ignorant actions. So you need to do something about these issuse before you child understands whats going on.

Step mom in need of help aswell....different situation. Make yourself unavailable. Act uninterestested. Go to the park, take a walk, do yoga, be happy. Let them bond. If he doesn't react to you doing your own thing then you have your answer, he should be drawn to you. Just make sure what ever you do for you, is for you and your growth!

hey Ku; although we about a decade apart we have quite a bit in common; I'm a stepmom to kids that give a hoop about me, not that I care, I'm a teacher also, and used to have those same issues. Read my post to BronzeMedal.. That's my advise to you aswell. Enjoy your day...It's about you, not them. If you've tried to include them in your life and they don't accept you, well the hell with them..Sorry, but I've very blunt and passionate about this issue. I lived it for 2 years til I said enough..Congrats on your wedding..

I am trying to understand what others are going through in the same type of situation. I am going to be married to my best friend this July26.....not long away. He has a daughter (11) and a son (13). I've done my damnest to be part of their lives but have probably seen them maybe 5 days since we've been together this year. We have a long history, which involves his best friend and my ex bf passing away in a motorcycle accident. I've never felt more connected to someone before or meant to be soul mates (sounds like a cliche I know), but when someone passes and that's what brings us together, it's hard not to feel that's what's meant to be. I know his kids are important to him, but just wish he would try harder for them to see us. I tried to ignore it, because when I bring it up, it causes problems and I sure don't want him to hurt. but I'm begniing to feel it's always poor him and he does nothing to defend himself from his ex.<br />
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We are getting married in a week. His kids were supposed to be here this entire week. found out today that he can't pick them up tomorrow because they want to attend their town fair instead and BM supports that. He wont' fight her. When I was 11 or 13 years old I never made my own decisions in my life and know now that my parent's did what was best for me. What ever happened to that. He is their father. They should be with him. NOt only are his feelings hurt, which kills me, but my feelings are hurt because I've planned on this for months and made his kids a BIG part of the next week. Now they will come the NIGHT before.....and leave the day after the wedding. I still don't know if the clothes they are supposed to wear will fit (His son wants to be his best man). BM doesn't give us sizes and I"ve been guessing......figured we could make it perfect this week....but I guess not now.<br />
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Just mad because I've put so much into picking them up tomorrow and having them for a week. I'm a teacher, so summer is open to this!!!! lol! And I"m told less than 24 hours before that they won't be her. And not givenso much as a thank you for all my work preparing for kids I don't even that have not intention of having me as their step mom. <br />
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I"m 29.....very close to 30 and never immagined myself in this situation, but he made it seem ok. Always made my fears go away. Do I have to find out a week before the most beauitiful day ofmy life that he will always put her (the BM) before me??? How do you keep supporting do you go on. I have always tried to support him and help him be strong to stand up to her....but tonight I"m the one who gets told he's "sick of my ****" just because I'm anxious about the wedding that I"ve include his children. If they don't want to be there or don't want me to be a part o f their lives, why in the hell am I involving his daughter in a special day with my won mother the day before the wedding. My Mom and I don't do a lot together and I convinced her that this was my future stepdaughter and she needed to feel involved. It was hard for my mother, but she is always understanding. How do I tell her now that it's not gointg to happen because they really don't want to be part of any of the wedding. They just want their dad........not me......not matter how happy I make him or the kind of home I make him....they don't care. I am a teacher of the same age so I truly understandddd.......but I do feel if BM and BD work together and talk to the togetner it shoudl be easier. BD is remarried with more kids and that seems to be more important. What happens if I have children with their father????? Will he feel guilty?? Will OUR children get the short end of the deal???? I felt comfortable with things until recently when trying to get the kids for the wedding. Now I feel worthless to the whole situation.<br />
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Sorry to vent, but felt this was a good site to do it. I've waited almost 30 years for this....turning others down and tyring to make decisions that would make me happy in life and allow me to raise successful children which is most important to me. I've puposefully waited for this time in my and am about a week away and am now scared. Was not scared AT ALL......cuz I was certain it was fate.....(Long story again....will explain to those who ask), but why does he change now????Where will my life go with these kids.............Why can't this wedding be about him and I.......????? Kids should be important, but now when it's a fight to bring them there and theyw ill only make problems when they are........

You're neither evil or a bad stepmother. It is your husband's duty to validate you as his wife and mother of his baby. He needs to understand that YOU are his priority. His daugher has a mother and a family already, he needs to focus on making your relationship work so he doesn't end up taking your baby to a 3rd wife for visitation with him because you guys didn't work out.