Teenage Stepdaughter Tried To Break Up My Marriage To Her Father

I met my husband 5 years ago we have been married for 3 years he came with baggage from his past as I did also, I have 2 children from my previouse marriage, and have done my upmost for my children to accept him as a stepdad, they love and respect him more than their own dad, who they both regularly see, our homelife runs smoothly and there are no problems the children love him my eldest is in university and my youngest at secondry school. Like hand in glove we all work as a team.

My problem lies with my stepdaughter she is a teenager and boy does she hate me, I have done everyting to incorperate her into our new family unit when she visits us of a weekend, I have taken the time to explain to her that even though dad is here with his new family she is also a part of our family too and that just because dad has married me she has not lost him or his love, it is just different now because like my children have to share me with my now new husband her relationship with her dad will change too slightly, we all have to learn to adjust to the new situation, I wouldnt say that was a bad thing to do .............. My husband was there when this was said and supported the conversation.

Unfortunatley for the last 3 years she has been on a path of destruction it started with small things she was doing to infuriate me trying to cause dischord between me and my husband and as her antics didnt work she slowly upped the anty .

She got away with alot of things because my husband always backed her up, undermining my position really he wasnt making her see the error of her ways, where as if and when my children overstepped the mark they where corrected immediatley and told or their wrongdoing, I didnt see it fair that there was one set of rules for my children and another set for her........

As my husband could see no wrong in her and I had had enough of her antics quite recently I made a simple request to her infront of my husband asking her not to do something that was quite serious, she was told on a lot of occassions and when she carried out the dont do it request he had no option but to back me up and admit for once that he could do nothing to support her and that he could finnaly see what she was doing to us.....THE PENNY DROPPED for him all my ranting all these years did hold significant value and warrent for concern......

We now are in a place where she has put me in a place that I am the ogre with extended family this child had blackend my very good name and basically with her farthers help up till now achieved it, she has spit her dummy and blames me for this latest episode even though we know I am not to blame ....... she is refusing to stay with us and demanding she sees her father by herself of a weekend without me.....she wants him to choose between me or her.....that is not fair to my husband  just who does she think she is ???? I do not get to spend any real time with my husband as he works long hours and anytime at home my children are here the only time we are alone is when we go to bed...........

I would like an appology for her actions but know I wont get it as she is playing out the role of victim she is very near to becomming an adult 18 my husband is doing everything to be the husband and support me as he has had to admit that in the past he was wrong but this young girl is a manipulator and knows how to get everyone to run after her I just want to have a happy marriage with my wonderful husband becuse when she isnt here everything is wonderful....

Believe me I have tried to be good to her buying her clothes and getting no thanks for it cooking meals entertaining her even helping her with her woman issues I know I would never be a replacement for her real mum that isnt right, I just wanted to be friends with her and for her to join in on our new life and share like we are all having to now..........

Many of my friends says it would make her day if me and her dad split up and I think it would but is that fair to her dad or me and remember my 2 children who have become very close to him, for that to happen, this is just not about her anymore or the relationship she had with her dad before we met, it would cause for a very settled new family to be broken and for my children to have to watch me go through another divorce.

Any advice anyone has would be very welcome thankyou

My dad told me to just scatter her and have nothing to do with her and I would never stop my husband from seeing her ever I just wonder what you other ladies out there think?????? 

Imamum2 Imamum2
23 Responses Sep 10, 2010

You are so lucky in many ways. My partner just cannot for what ever reason see any fault in anything her daughter (now17) does. I bang my head against the wall in disbelief. I am so baffled that a parent can be so blind when the effect is felt by everyone else in the same household but yet doesn't register in her own head. We have a 6 year old boy whom is the absolute apple of my eye and I cannot imagine any kind of life without him. I really do feel now that the relationship between his mum and me has run the distance. I don't know what to do as I cannot imagine my life without him in my day. This thought breaks my heart everyday now for 3 years. Any thoughts would be helpful.Sorry to be such a drag! Thankyou x

I am not married yet but we are talking about it. His daughter is a nice girl but was raised by a woman with zero respect for anyone and who instilled a dangerous competition for his love in her daughters in order to punish him for who knows what. I cannot speak for what happened in their household before they split, but I am very keen to the fact that his 16 year old daughter and his 18 year old daughter (also tried to split us up but is now living her own life with her own set of troubles) were raised to seek out his love for them solely no matter the cost to themselves or anyone around them. They cannot and will not share. This is not my issue to deal with, it is his/theirs. There are times he is better at it than others. His time with them is sadly limited, but it is no ones fault but their own. They made their beds and will realize how damaging their selfish and youthful manipulations changed the course of their very own future. It is no more his daughters fault than it is his or mine, poor mothering has damaged these girls' psyche's to a degree that is criminal. And I have determined there is nothing, not one thing, I can do to fix it. I have to rely on the man that I love to do his best to manage the situation and know in my heart of hearts their jealousy will not tarnish he and I. It will in fact make our love deeper and stronger.
Bottom line is these girls, all of them, are only human.

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I had one of those types of relationships with two step daughters, both very manipulative and conniving. There father never saw through there lies and manipulative ways either. These two were adult "children". Their father often would say poor girls, their lives are just so bad. Made me sick,! They caused their own miseries! During the 1 1/2 years I was married to their father the oldest kept moving back in with us. I couldn't take the way their father just couldn't see what was going on. The claiming to be the victim, the manipulating. She should get a job and keep a job! Not expect her father to support her lazy 27 year old ***. To make a long story short I left and never looked back. This is nothing but an abusive, dysfunctional family that I don't want anything to do with. If you are always getting hurt and your husband does nothing to help the situation, eventually the family will break apart. Irreparable damage done. He needs to step up to the plate and be your other half!

I have a 25 year old compulsive lying, mooching step daughter to be. My fiance and I purchased a home in Sept 2013....she asked my fiance if she could live with him. She has no job, no car, no driver's license, she lies about things to where she's not to blame and looks like a victim. She is disrespectful and has talked bad about me to her family. My fiance sees her as never doing anything wrong. She has talked to me disrespectfully in front of her dad and he just sits there. I pray God will remove her lazy no good for nothing mooching self out of our house....I don't live there but that is my home too, I have a home in another state in which I live in until we get married, but because of her dumbness we have postponed our wedding which was suppose to be in April 2014. She has told her sister that she's happy that we will not be getting married....I wish she had never moved in with my fiance! She doesn't do housework, my fiance pays for her Netflix, clothes, food, toiletries, etc. She has applied for four jobs since the first of Dec 2013...I wish she would just get gone!! And go back to being the absent daughter you only hear from when she wants something

I have a 14 year old step daughter who lives with us, it took 5 years for my husband t believe she was trying to split us up. She finally said it clear as day rather than just doing terrible things that he seemed to be able to ignore or put down to our relationship dynamic. She has now added that she will not stop until we have broken up, that she will keep going and do what ever it takes to get her father to leave me.
It's the daddy who has to stop her, teenage girls will not hear anything their step mother says and arguing with them only adds fuel to their raging wee fires.
A teenager is just a giant toddler throwing their toys. Give her a hug and lay down the law.

I feel for you i have the same problem my partners 16 year old daughter is causing trouble shes not golden gitl no more she thinks she can get away with treating are house lime a hotel,sponging from us,steal and lie even tell loads of porkies to cause trouble ,i can imagine how you guys are feeling right now ;{

Well i'm sure you would pick your 2 children over your husband anyday...afterall you had history with them before him...and remember this is what happens when you blend families...why do children have to pay the price for 2 people to have sex and make more babies over and over again - wifes and husbands are replaceable as you know this very well - you both had past relationships; you can love and unlove a person and relove another man or woman. Your children are apart of you, you can't unlove them. I don't blame the girl the problem is with stepparents they can never wait for the child to turn 18 so what? your children are above 18 too and i'm sure in this rough time they can stay in your or HIS house right?

Think in her shoes for a second, the girl probably has daddy issues and your making it hard on her...she probably needs some time with her father like the old days before you were around, he loved and birthed her first, you are just a love interest that came 3 years ago. If you really cared for this young girl you would encourage this young girl to spend some father-daughter time like going to the movies or the mall or a father daughter dance etc..just the 2 of them and when they come home they could tell you all about it - if your 2 children weren't living with you and you were with your husband and he had his kid all the time and think wouldn't your daughter be jealous? mommy loves the new girl more than me - if effects their live and 30 years from now and the person who they will become in adulthood - stop being selfish and realize its not all about you. She will continue to make your life hell if you don't back off a little. When she realizes that daddy still loves her and he actually tells her then she won't be a horn in your side. Think? please.

You are a ridiculous person. Obviously your dad left you when you were young. Kids should behave and have respect. It's people like you that have made teenagers the way that are. Well done.

Let me guess?! You are a stepdaughter that is overly obsessed with her dad. I guarantee you are not an adult or a wife, or you would know the true evila and manipulations that we speak of.

Oh my gosh this is me! We just got married and the 10 yr old told him to choose and she is not coming back until me and my two kids 12 and 16 move out

I am facing the same thing. I married my spouse 7years ago and she was very young. Never though there would be a problem. Since coming into the teenage years, there has been nothing but trouble in my marriage, all based around my SD. Last night it blew up again. Resentment has grown to the point I don't say anything anymore in my own house. I feel like the unwelcomed guest. I found my wife packing saying she will not say where they are not welcomed. All along I told her that her daughter was trying to do everything to break us up, but she keeps turning a blind eye to things. Well she told me while packing that she would never choose me over her daughter and I make her fell like that is what I am forcing her to do. Part of me felt like saying, okay go cause I can't take this kind of craziness anymore, other part of me said, I cannot let everything I worked so hard to keep just fall apart and go to waste. What can you do?. I have been praying very hard. I had a transplant, and I often said to myself, that if I new this was what was waiting for me on this side of being saved, I would have rather died, and be done with everything. I do love m y wife very much. My love for the sd has grown to hatred which I am not going to deny, I do long for the day when I hear, she is going to go live with daddy who by the way just swings by and takes her to the movies and that's it. So whatever I have been trying to build between us is torn down in one night. Reach a point where I am numb. I am the unwanted guess. We get up in the morning, she takes her time and comes down just in time to get a ride with her mom, but god forbid she should come down and help us get the little one ready and put thing together before leaving. I reach a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. Ow much is a marriage worth if all you live n it isn't enjoyable. Someone please give me some help on what to do...

Until her mother can see what the girl is doing there will be problems.
Can you talk to someone outside of the family? A counselor perhaps?
Somehow you have to turn your feelings of hate around, it's a nasty feeling that will eat at you and make you feel much worse, it has no effect on her other than allowing her to justify her actions and egg her on.
Give her a hug and tell her you want her to be part of the family. If it's not quite true at the moment, fake it until it is.
Good luck!


Hi sweetie, your story has totally touched me. I am also going through something just like this with two sd's. One is 13 and the other is 15. I never know what to expect from day to day. It's confusing and stressful. I also have 2 young boys and my bf has the two girls. They won't leave their room and the older one has been grounded since october for some lewd behavior and using boys as sex tools. It's disgusting really. I'm lost. Daddy is not supportive, working all the time to support all of us and the girls will take advantage of every situation. I've prayed tried to talk to them, bought them clothes and wonderful christmas gifts taken them on dates to give them a sense of being special all the while my own two boys sit at home. My bf doesn't see any of the stuff they do. They refuse to help out around the house, that's my job. They haven't spoken to me in over a month and we live in the same house. I drive them to school and they slam the car door as I am trying to wish them a good day. What have I done. I just keep asking myself over and over.

You need to leave. That is no life.

Step kids are so whipped and attached to their bio parent, bio parent always protect them like a whale and a baby whale. The fact that he doesn't back you up and take your side shows that he doesn't love you as much as you think he does. My wife did that same **** to me with her daughter, my wife also told me to leave -just about every other day too. When you have a really liberal parent like that to deal with, and want the best for their kid, you're going to have a hard time! Try to just be as kind as you can; as long as your mind is aligned with your heart, you can live the life you want. Talking and communication between parents is essential. Expressing that communication to the children is equally essential; however, the connection between step children and step parents is so thin that 5 years of work building a relationship -could be destroyed in one day. If bio mom or dad says not to listen to step mom or dad, then it's over until bio mom or dad says, listen to step mom or dad. They have full control; kids are so whipped by their bio parents...

I completely understand what you are going through as I have a very similar situation in my life and I don't know what to do anymore. My husband's daughters are truly horrendous people, they are manipulators too and even though my husband has divorced their mum over 15 years ago, they still don't accept the separation. Their mother fuels the malicious behaviour so they are a team against us. <br />
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They don't speak to my husband or to me for over two years as their obsession with him is so sick that they didn't want him to remarry. We were together as teenagers at university and have always loved each other, but only 30 years later we have managed to be together. I feel so sad with this and with the fact that they spread lies about me to the whole family. We are both so sad about all this...<br />
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I wish things improve for you, for me I think it is next to impossible as I have never seen teenagers as mean as they are. I also have two sons 20 and 16 who adore my husband. We wish we could have a harmonious life as a family, but they made sure we don't and continue gossiping poison everywhere. I thought of leaving my husband many times as I feel so bad he doesn't see them, but he begged me not to because we waited so long to be together. It is a very sad situation with his daughters, it is difficult for me and my boys to believe in the things they do...I have only seen this kind of behaviour in horrid films, but not in real life.

i need help ... ive been married 14 years . we have 6 kids i have 2 girls and a boy and he has 2 boys and a girl . they were all so young when we got toghter now there all hitting the adult line . 4 years ago i found out i had cancer and then right after my step daughter who was 13 moved in with us because she couldnt listen to her mom . at the time my 2 daughters live with us .so one more it seem like is was ok at first . but then she started . first it was lying then stealing ,bringing boys in her window. it cause me and my husband prolems cause if one of my girls did what she did he would have gone crazy , but with her he did nothing .i left for a couple of months came back with promises that it will get better.one day while they were at school i did my mommy check and found where she was sending out nacked pictures,i lost it and told her right in front of him that as long as she lived in my house she wouldnt have a carama phone .well that did it and she ending up moving back in with her mom .and everything been ok .well now she 17 years old and runing away and wants to come back her the only reason is because her mom told her no for something .well i told my husband i donot want her here and now we are talking about divorce .he keeps telling me he wants her to come down so he can help her . he hasnt in all these years i dont think he can do it now . iam so ready to leave

I speak from experience, i had a step daughter who i looked after for 16yrs like she was my own and loved her as such,however her mother would never back me up when it mattered i just gave out the bollickings when required and wasmade to look like the monster from hell.We have now split after 18yrs of being together.<br />
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Id tell that brat to buckle up or move the hell out.Ask your husband how he would deal with this situation if the boot was on the other foot!<br />
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I married my Husband two and a half years ago. He has three children, I have three and we have an eight month old baby between us. Two of his children are great, it's the oldest daughter who is a complete nightmare. She was 12 when we met, she's 16 now and she is vile, sly, manipulative, disrespectful and shall we say likes to put herself about and has since she was 12 years old. My 18 year old boy has been hit on two occasions because of her, when my 23 year old came to stay she was all over him. When she was 13 I found all kinds of nasty notes in her room calling me a ****, she has threatened to my face to have her Mum smash my face in (not that that is any kind of threat), this after the Mother refused to pick all the children up from school one day because my husband could not longer afford to pay her the sickening amount of maintenance that he was, so they had to come and live with us for 18 months. Neither of the girls had a decent pair of knickers between them, and I really did my best to look after them, but it has been hell. <br />
Just before we got married they went home again (she decided something is better than nothing, when her offer to let them stay with us for x amount was turned down) and I thought things would get better, but they didn't.<br />
When I was pregnant, I found she had been calling me a **** etc to the teachers in her school, so I lost my temper and sent her a text basically enlightening her as to what her new nickname was around and about.<br />
My husband went mad. (He has never backed me up, although he is very good at presenting a united front when it comes to parenting my children) and we actually had a tussle over it....You know, the sort of normal thing you do when you are carrying a baby.<br />
Since then, it has got worse. I have refused to have her anywhere near me, although I have been forced to be in her company on a few family occasions, although I am polite, cold and distant, it makes me shake just to be near her, I am so angry about it all.<br />
My husband now goes off to see her on a Sunday and one night through the week....I understand some of these posts that say the step daughter is like the girlfriend....It's weird.<br />
He started moaning a few months ago, saying he couldn't cope with his double life and how much she had changed....It's been dreadful, I have felt so bullied and morally blackmailed by him and I have told him over and over again that I needed him just to be my husband and I didn' t want to go back to that, he tried to convince me that I was depressed, so we went to the doctor, who said he could offer individual counselling, but that I wasn't depressed.<br />
He didn't want to do the counselling, but he was that miserable that I finally caved in and offered to go for a coffee with the stepdaughter, even though I knew that she only wanted to get back in because she wanted to make trouble again and I was shaking when I sent the message, only to have her do exactly the same again. <br />
I have had it, I don't want to do this any more. <br />
I am a grown woman with four children and my marriage is ruled by a poisonous sixteen year old, who has her father wrapped around her little finger.Any trust or solidarity between us is gone, we just don't have a marriage any more.<br />
Now I am being told I can't break up the marriage because he will miss his baby boy. He is asking 'what do you want me to do, never see again'? How can somebody be so stupidly, damagingly,obtusely blind and hurtful?<br />
I never wanted that and I have said over and over that he should take her in hand and behave like a father, behave with her like we do with the rest of the children.<br />
So it now seems that the breakup of our marriage is going to be my fault as well.<br />
I am glad reading all this that it's not just me

I am the stepmother of a 23 year old. I have been in her life since she was 3 months old. Her mom and my husband weren't married or even dating when she was born. I took the role as mom to her, changing diapers, bathing and so on because my husband was leary of her mom. I was accused by her mother of molesting her instead. We have had many go rounds with both her mom and my stepdaughter over the years, always I was the "evil stepmother" whenever it was convenient for them, including my husband, to blame someone. A few months ago I washed my hands of her, as soon as I made that decision a huge sense of peace came over me. Just recently we found out that my stepdaughter has fetal alcohol syndrome, which explains her inability to understand consequences and as well no conscience. Her mother and grandmother are both alcoholics and we assume my stepdaughters mother probably has FAS as well. This certainly does not mean it is an excuse for bad behavior though. She has phoned me and apologized for her last hateful episode towards me but this time I'm not falling for it...it's only taken 23 years for me to figure out I do not and can't save her anymore! Sometimes it is easier to not step up to the plate, sadly I would have done many things different!

I to am in a similar situation. My partners daughter is 14 and rules this house by bullying, lying, and mnaipulative behaviour. She recently called me a "creep and a Rapist" when she was extremely mad at me. So I don't want to be left alone in the house overnight with her anymore. I have asked for counciling to resolve these issues but my parter has issues in making her go. She also has issues on holding her accountable. It's maddening to be treated with so much disrespect and have no support from your partner. Her and i have gone to lots of counciling but no suggestions are ever followed through on. If any tnesion is in the house I seem to be blamed for it even if i am in my Man cave staying out of it. My step daughter has told us calmly many times that she will drive us apart and break us up. Today we sat down to discuss our situation with bout our step daughters (13, 14 y/o) We tried to discuss the issues and that their mom has decided to move out due to the tension. The 14 y/o was so unemoitional about it that it seemed socipathic. Now i sit here watching my partner wanting to leave due to the unbeleivable behaviour of a 14 y/o feeling completely disempowered. I'm the only one that really want to work on things with counciling. It's really sad as thing are fun round here when it's just the two of us or when it's just the 13 y/o around. <br />
Now things are unravling fast and the 14 y/o is watching what she said she would do happen.

Thankyou for your comment , Ouch she does sound like a little madam the situation must be awful for you your partner and your kids I will try and advise as best I can maybe it will help I dont know.<br />
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Here goes firstly she has to be told that she can no longer emotionally blackmail your partner with past events once cases are investigated fully and closed there should be no reason for your partner to have to face old allegations again especially if she has no grounds for fresh alligations Get her told that you refuse to be blackmailed anymore and make it very clear.<br />
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She is using that situation to manover your partner everytime because he is probably very scared to stand up to her in fear of reprisals you and your partner are the adults here and must take this young lady in hand, as reguarding the playstation demand it back immediatley tell her YOU paid for it for your kids and back it up with saying to her WHEN SHE SHOWS SOME RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER AND KIDS THEN SHE IN TURN WILL GET RESPECT BACK YOU DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR.<br />
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Take a stand its called tough love you have to make your partner see instead of wanting to do away with her start playing her at her own game ignor her when she comes over and if she does things to disrupt the house tell her her behaviour is unacceptable in your home and you will not accept it, you then can take the role of thet you will be able to punish her for bad behaviour its your partner who has in the past been accused of things that are not true NOT YOU so dont be frightend to confront her then you are taking the role of authority in the home you are still supporting your partner but it shows to her that she cannot manipulate you both anymore it will take time but you both have to stand united and even if your partner has his eyes closed you will also have to start telling him that you find it unacceptable of his behaviour tell him why and what is and back it up by telling him how it makes you feel you both have to start standing united against her.<br />
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This little queenie will soon get the message that she doesnt run your houshold neither is she NO1 priority start today by demanding back the game console and your reasons why saying you paid for it as a reward for your childrens respectful behaviour it belongs to child A because of and you want it back now scream if you have to just dont sit back and let her get away with this.<br />
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If your partner doesnt agree with this tell him also that you feel that he has let you down and isnt supporting you and that he has to start opening his eyes she cannot use this previous excuse everytime she wants something as for the grandma interfereing tell her to get lost and mind her own business your stepdaughter is using her to get at you both .<br />
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Start playing her at her own game if your partner cant see the wrong do what I did set her up for a fall so he acan truly see what she really is like <br />
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Good Luck I wish you well hope this helps

you think thats bad. my step daughter is 13. she nearly put her father in jail as she claims that when she was 7 he tried to molest her. so every time she wants something and she doesn't get it she phones her mother and together with the grand ma goes and reopens the case. so far for 3 years it cost us about R40000. now today she started with my 2 kids saying that my kids sms her saying my boyfriend is rubbish.when my son comforted her true sms she say it was her friend sms her that and she showed to her father. all she wanted was the playstation 3 my boyfriend brought for my kids 2 days ago. now he take it from my kids and give it to her. do i want to kill her? yes. not because of the game but because my boyfriend is so eyes close he cant see. i think i must get out of here as much as i love him before i go to jail for killing her. i ve had it with her.

Sounds like you and your husband made a great choice. I hope it works out for you. It sounds like she is very jealous of you and your husband's relationship. Maybe her father should recommend that she sees a therapist to get rid of the anger she has towards you. Let her know that you don't dislike her because she is not the product of you that you totally accept her having a different mother. If she feels like you have no ob<x>jections to his past with his ex wife she may be a little more willing to get closer to you. If her mother is talking badly about you this will definitely impact the way she treats you. Again good luck!

Thankyou ever so much for your kind words they have uplifted me I am sticking it out and will do for a long time to come I have already put up with her silly antics for 5 years so I can stick around for a little bit longer.<br />
Just for an update myself and my wonderful husband after weeks of talking. me crying, and almost at the point of divorce we have decided instead of shouting at her and demanding an appology we are going to stand united when he has to go see her of a weekend I am going to go with him I have promised not to confront her because we will play into her hands then but he will visit her and we shall make family plans for the rest of the day so she will get to spend about an hour with him not alone may I add but in my presence.<br />
Then she will be given the option to accompany us on our planned family day with my children and me and him we have decided that if she declines my husbnd has promised that he will say thats ok you where offered but we are going now see you next weekend etc.<br />
We have had an exhausting time trying to sort this but we both think by doing this that she will get the message that we are not going to be broken appart because we both know the deep love we have for eachother.<br />
Sticking in there ????? YES I TRULY AM <br />
Thankyou ever so much for your kind words they really made my day if its a phase she is going through well she can get on with it I giggle to myself now because she must of expent some energy trying to split us sometimes is easier to be nice than it is to be nasty you know the old the saying it takes 3 muscles to smile and 61 to frown boy will she age early.

I'm sorry for what ur going through.<br />
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I don't know what to tell u to do. Ur doing all the right things. U tried being nice to her, u didn't make ur husband chose between u & her, ... most women wouldn't have handled it so well.<br />
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Obviously, ur hubby cant/wont see the daughter on weekends without her so that ultermatium wont last long. Maybe it's a phase she's going through.<br />
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Stick it out.