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Any Good Stories?

I am currently in a position where my husband's daughter of six years may be coming to live with us. We have no children of our own, the daughter is coming to us from a neglectful situation (her biological mother is now in jail), and I care about her very much. However, having never been a mother, I am very nervous about the idea. I've spent many hours on the Internet searching for stories from other stepmothers, but they are almost all very, very negative. Is this situation doomed from the start? Does anyone have anything positive to share about their role as a stepmother?
siren1971 siren1971 36-40, F 83 Responses Jan 17, 2008

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Ask me in about 2 more years. I thought things were going ok, but I'm learning that as soon as my SD is away from me, she has nothing good to say about her life here with me. It's been like that for years, apparently. I'm ready for her to be grown and gone.

I was just 32 and I have lost my loving wife.My son was just one year 6 months and during her second child delivery, she had passed away.The second one is girl baby. My mother was aged and she started taking care of both the kids. after 2 years 6 months, my mother forced me to get married and I have married to my own relative. We are almost completed 13 years of second marriage and before the marriage only we had decided not to have any kids. My wife is taking of the kids very well from the day one. My kids are not 12 and 13 years old and we never told about their mothers death. Kids, wife and me are a very living happily.

Is this is right age to tell them about all that happend? If so how to start with, please guide me. I dont know how the kids will take it up? will they accept the second mother

I understand completely. I'm dating a man with an 8 year old son and who is talking marriage...I'd really like some positive stories, too. :-)

Your in for a world of sh&$! Take a class on how to deal with a neglected child. The child is not just a "stepchild", she is an abused one. You will need to be armed to the hilt! I would get her into therapy immediately!!

try to be a friend to her and one thing i tell you( a secret about kids) they love to hear your childhood adventures(as i have a neighbour kid who mostly sleeps at our home..(: ), that is, what you did when you were of their age.<br />
If you can't remember anything then you can make up stories like "fairy was really sad but then she saw a light which was very bright..." and sugar-coat it with every sweet word of hope.<br />
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Hope it helps you..:)

just common sence and be honest. one thing i learned as parent don t tell them something you don t mean. weather like if tell them you will take them some place or buy them something do it. or if tell them if they do something bad you will put them to bed early or what ever the punishment you say . keep your word have patients spend much time with her as can. reading storys she likes to her or having her read one to you eveyday. things like that can create a bond that will last for ever. good luck! i think you will be great just because you care enough to ask. .

i was a step-child to a couple of diff steps.....my mom and dad have both been married twice after divorcing each other. my first stepmother made me feel little and stupid. she did not like me. and i was beneath her and her children. my first stepfather made things fun most of the time. he fussed at me cause i farted at the table once. lol. but i think that was called for. these steps were both during the same time in my life. <br />
the second set of steps came to me when i was already an adult so it is a bit diff...i love both dearly. <br />
if my first stepmother had not felt such contempt for me it would not have shown so much in her actions. you love this girl already. that will show. she will,however, see you as a threat for a long time. she will not be trusting and the neglectful situation will make that worse. as will her bio mother being in jail. if you are kind, loving, thoughtful of her and her pain she will attach to you. show her what your mother showed you.

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She wont like you at first, but be nice, is she notices anything sign of you not liking her in anyway, she wont be happy, i have a stepmother, i hate her, shes always mean to me and giving me attitudes.

I am the stepmother to 5 boys and 1 biological child, also a male. I was a step for 8 years before having a child, which taught me a lot. The boys lived with there mother and we got to spend two weekends a month with them. From my experience, dad wanted to make all their "wants" materialize, therefore they were " orphans" on the weekends we had them. They had no father just a wallet and fairy godfather. I tried my best to maintain structure and order in a house, notice I didn't say home, that the boys considered Disneyland or Dream Central. I corrected with reserve and lead with as much authority as I could muster. I also came to realize that father got absolutely no respect. The only phone calls he got were, "Dad I want and/or need the latest wish fulfilled". At times I was considered the wicked stepmother, I think, but there is a happy ending to this story. I have since been told, several times by each young man, that I was loved and respected and they needed and wanted that structure and authority. Basically, the same thing with my biological child, you can't be their best friend and confidant and expect any respect. Open your heart to them, love them, give them structure and authority, demand respect by showing respect and maybe you will achieve the, "HAPPILY EVER AFTER", that we have achieved.

I am a stepmothe to a five year old. I have three of our own which are 8,7,6. We have structure in our home. When my stepson came to stay with us he was able to do what he wanted when he wanted. He acted like he couldn't do anything for himself. I just explained how we live and that he has to do his part. He never had a family like ours, him and his mother move alot and she had many and I mean many boyfriends, and the her side are just out of it. We only moved once and that was to a bigger house. We have the atmosphere that he needs and the understanding that all children crave. Just go with your heart. Try to remember how you felt as a child and go off that. I do that with all my children. Just don't make the child feel like you don't want her around. be understanding when times get tuff. I think you will do fine :)

well where do i start...<br />
My partner has 2 children a daughter 9 and a son 13 there mother had them taken off her 18 months ago and they were placed in foster care and my partner (there dad) got full custody and they live with us now as there mother was found to be uncapable his son is wonderful so polite so grateful for everything you do for him pushes the boundries like any normal child. I dont have any children of my own and was worried about how they treat me i was told it was paranoier how wrong they were. His daughter tells me not to hold daddys hands not to kiss her daddy dont sit next to my daddy. take yesterday for instance we all went for a walk and we was holding hands not even in her eye view and she pulled are hands apart and said im going to split you up. when ever im cuddling up with my partner on the sofa she has to sit on his lap and push me away i really feel as though she would much prefer it to be her and her dad cos she pushes her brother away and gets jealous when her brother is getting attention from his dad strops about shouts at everyone when she doesnt get her own way is always constantly wanting to be picked up by her dad and carried like a baby wherever her dad is she has to follow we even have to show our love to one another in secret getting kisses whenever we can other whys she goes off on one its really starting to bug me and i need help i feel like packing my things and leaving!!! Im not used to any of this.

Think it would help to let her have a"day" every week. We fostered 2 teenagers for 4 years, who fought for attention constantly at first (they are both in college now). Finally, I told them one day each week was "theirs" and my husband (at the time) and I each got a day, too. He got to choose what we'd eat, shows we'd watch, radio station, games, etc, and they learned to respect each others' tastes and stopped trying to outdo each other. If she gets whiny on your day, or her brother's or Dad's, remind her constantly that they let her have her day without complaining and she needs to show the same respect. More and more my boys realized they didn't have to try so hard and the special days eventually faded into everydays, again. On Mother's Day, one of them called and said, "It's your day. Where are we eating?" Nice to know they remembered those days in a positive light. Good Luck!

I see this is an older entry, and I just now came upon it. While I am not now a step mother, I was for over twenty years. No, it is certainly NOT doomed from the start.....in fact, you have a chance to make a real difference in your new daughter's life, in many ways. For me, the best approach to take was to assure my step daughters that I knew they loved their mother, and would NEVER try to replace her. I also made it a habit to NEVER speak ill of the children's parents, FOR ANY REASON, in front of the child. My best advice? Try to relax...let her see you want to be her friend, and nurture the things SHE cares about. You really do care for her, and she WILL see it...though it may take a while. I encourage you to talk to her often, and engage her in daily mundane activities...these are bonding experiences, and highly valuable as such!<br />
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If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me, any time. I send you the warmest of wishes for good fortune for the budding relationship!!<br />
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xo

Well, I'm not a step-father, or step-child, nor do I have any kids of my own,...but my cousin & her 7 or 8 year old daughter stay with me during the week, while her new husband trains at the military ba<x>se nearby.<br />
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He's not the girl's biological father, ...she calls him by his first name and knows full well that he isn't her father. The thing that seems to make it go much more easily for her (the little girl), is that Travis (my cousin's new husband) makes my cousin *happy. Show the girl that you make her father happy...make her father happy.

I am in the same situation - my stepdaughter is 9, and she came to live with us a year ago when her mother was sent to prison for a felony drug conviction. It has been very difficult, but ultimately because I love her father so much, we make it work. We have also been through other things, including getting permission to move with her out of state because my job required us to move, making a 1000 mile move, and adjusting to a new place just the three of us. I did see a counselor for about 2 months when I was going through the toughest part of the transition. The hardest part about her mother being in prison is that you never get the break - the weekends off or alternating time so that you can do the adult things that you are so used to doing. We've had a very hard time finding babysitters in our new locale too. On Wednesday this week she will fly home to visit her maternal grandparents for the summer. I am counting the hours because I need my break. It has been very rewarding to get to know this little girl and spend time with her, and I think you'll find you have those moments too. She is young enough where she will respect you as a disciplinarian and major positive female role model in her life. But just remember that it is okay to take breaks for you, its ok to feel the way you do, whether positive or negative, when you feel it. Just make sure you direct the negative feelings somewhere other than the child. It is difficult sometimes but you can't blame them for being in the situation you're all in, its not her fault her mom screwed up so badly. You'll be ok - just make sure you find time for you, and seek help to talk to someone professional if you feel overwhelmed by it all, it definitely helps. <br />
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I've been looking for stepmother support groups in my area but haven't found any, so I'm glad I finally thought to search online for message boards. It really does help to get it out there sometimes.<br />
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Good luck, you can make it work if you really want it to work out with her dad!

My two cents will be ba<x>sed on my own mistakes as a stepmother. I don't have children of my own either by my own choice. I met my partner after my marriage breakup who has a teenage daughter. In the beginning, all was fine, of course, but things take their tow in the end when you can't wear a mask all the time. The girl only lives with us part-time, but it can be very intense anyway. However, it all depends on how the child is being brought up. My step is very spoilt by her parents, so many things make me cringe, even though it's not entirely her fault. So, my advice is: if you're not happy with some sort of behaviour you find unacceptable, have a calm chat with your partner or husband first whe she's not around. And if it's something you really think it could be dealt with on the spot, talk to your stepchild politely but firmly, without showing anger and resentment. Don't have an outburst in front of her, like I did, or even worse, behind her back moaning to her Dad, yet loud enough so can hear you. I felt really stupid and it was impossible to put things right later. I hope your step is better-mannered and has some boundaries which will make it easier for you to love her. They say love should be unconditional...well...let's get real, it's a virtue for only a few. I hope you are this kind of wonderful person who can love stepchildren unconditionally, no matter what. Unconditional love for your biological ones is one thing, but for your stepkids is another. The light at the end of the tunnel is that you can, yes, have a fantastic relationship with a stepchild if you distance yourself enough from delicate situations and almost deal with them professionally, like school teachers do. You must be able to 'steer clear of' your own ego because that's the one which can ruin everything, not your stepchild. However, it all depends as well on what kind of person you are. You might be able to love her unconditionally anyway, because it's part of your nature being a selfless, giving human being. Or you may be good with kids and know how to handle them. Good luck!

I think you have a much better chance at bonding with a six year old vs. a sixteen year old...I went into my marriage with a sixteen year old daughter; an only child with no mother and a daddy's girl to boot and she put me through hell with no support from her over-protective father..Despite of this, I tryed to bond but she attacked me physically a month after we were married and her father sided with her of course simply because she was skipping school and I asked her what she was doing home at this time and inquired as to why she wasn't in school and she told me to ***** off and I wasn't her mother...Not a good experience...Now she is grown with two children and daddy gave her and the father of her children a so-called job with him where she can sit in her office/daycare that daddy had built for her, so she can bring her babies there, and watch her boyfriend so he doesn't cheat on her and shop on the internet and get an awesome paycheck for doing virtually nothing...We are still together, but nonetheless I feel like the daughter and she is treated like the wife..Not a good feeling at all...I wonder if my shoes were on her feet if she could handle this being that her boyfriend can't even socialize with his own family due to her insecurities...

To be pragmatic, it may be a lot easier with the mother in jail. You can do all the things you think will be best for your step-daughter without interference for the sake of interference. I'm not hating on anyone's mother, I just know first hand what it's like to deal with a vicious and insane person disrupting a child's life. <br />
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I think you have a great opportunity to do great things for this child, get her in counseling, sports, reading her bedtime stories, family dinners, without worrying it could come crashing down around your head.

It has been very interesting reading all these comments since I am a struggling step-mom. I always said I would never marry a man with children or a child. I did marry him and when it was time for me to say 'yes' during the ceremony, I said it in a low voice since I was hesitant about getting a step-daughter. I am going through a bit of a rough patch since I feel myself becoming jealous and resentful toward my step-daughter when she is short (and sometimes nasty) to me. I have to keep telling myself she is a little girl and sometimes she is nasty to her daddy too...but for me sometimes it hits me harder- maybe I am over-sensitive... but when she behaves this way, I get very quiet and do not want to have anything to do with her...and my husband immediately picks up on it. I would be very grateful if someone out there could offer me some advice on how to overcome this over-sensitivity I have!!!

never talk badly or negatively in any way about her mother when you know she's listening or when you aren't sure.. because they are ALWAYS listening.. Encourage her relationship with her mother.. to keep in touch as she feels comfortable.. give her lots of love, encouragement and praise, and don't be hurt if it takes her a while to warm up to you.. work on being her friend and winning her trust first.. never expect her to call you mom, unless it's her idea.. and most importantly love her dad so she can have the example of a positive loving relationship. Kids learn by example! Goodluck!

I have never been a stepmother, I am the mother of 3 very beautiful, sometimes very willful children. I have friends that have been in your shoes, the most positive situation that I have seen: My girlfriend never tried to be his mother, she more or less was a friend/authority figure. She was more of a confidante, and to this day I believe they have kept a good relationship. I think the negative stories are where the stepmother has maybe overstepped her boundaries. No matter what, you and your husband have to agree on discipline or it will be chaos.

I also can only give you a stepfathers view. My two(2) stepchildren, one being 3yo remarkable little boy. Always with a smile and easy nature. Watched over his 2yo sister as if she was one of his toys!Very bright and loving, with that "little" twist in how she would see and respond to things around her. I almost can say, I fell in love with her before I fell in love with her mother. I had two sons with my first wife, ten years apart! So, to say I always wanted "daddys little girl" of my own(which I experienced naturally a year later) was given to me w/o hesitation by this wonderful, charming little 2yo. From the beginning, I interacted with both at their level and basically grew up together .Never did they feel I wanted to replace their father and, never did they feel I didn't love them as much as their father loved them. There were few easy questions they didn't find in a dictionary giving them two possible answers and, until they were older, didn't have to find the answers alone. But, there's a sad ending. We lost our son/stepson in Afghanistan Independence Day 2009 and I was overlooked as being just the stepfather, so follow your heart is my advise.

Best advice - always, always be honest and do what you say you gonna do!

I married my husband when his son was 13 yrs old and we have gone up and down. But I am happy to say, the majority has been up. He lives with us and he has always been accepting of me since day one. Yes we have had some differences but he has opened up to me and he's said that he'd rather get in trouble from me than his dad! He likes how I don't yell, create a relevant consequence, and then forget about it. I never really forget about some things but I always try to remember that it takes a village to raise a child. The more people in a child's life, the better. He's now 16 and we have a pretty good relationship. I can't tell you how it will be with a younger girl. She has to find a way to accept you on her own terms and that may take some time. Just don't try to compete with mom. You will never be her mother but you can be a good and guiding influence in her life. Good luck.

hey don't worry a six year old will win your heart automatically by her innocence.approach the child with open mind and loving heart.and look at the miracle happening.

Hey.Although I am just a teenager..but I have complications in my family n feel like sharing.I have a step father and a step mother both moving in my life.<br />
To answer your stuff..all I want to tell you is just eradicate the fact that the girl is biologicaly not your's..she is just 6 and will get along the changes in her life soon..n yes..in the beginning,it might be tough..she might not get along u well..like I couldn't with my step father,..it is really hard to stand a child's tantrums..rude responses and stubborn attitude..but it will be fine and she will be your child for the rest of the life.<br />
So instead of having complications and worries..just invite her like she is just born to you..and you are her mother=)<br />
Relationships are not something to do with the bolld..it's something to do with the hearts of two people=)<br />
Cheers and best of luck=D

I have been a stepmother for over 10 years. I was lucky enough to enter her life at a very young age (18mo) so she has not really known anything else. I will say that over the last 10 years there have been moments where I have resented my stepdaughter and my husband. It is hard to deal with the daughter, the husband and the ex-wife. But in the long run, we do it for the child. After I married her father we had 2 other children and it was difficult for me to treat them all equally.<br />
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The best advise that I can give you is to realize the #1) you are not her mother, but that you can have a huge impact on the person she becomes. Biology doesn't make a mother, her heart does. <br />
#2) You have to accept her and love her as she is. This can be very difficult. You have your ideas of how and what you want your chidlren to be like, but she has a her own. <br />
#3) Allow her to express her feelings. She may be confused and hurt by the situation and needs a place where she is safe.<br />
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All in all I have been very blessed to have my step daughter in my life. She has brought me much joy, and taught me a lot about myself. I hope that I have been able to influence her as much as she has me.

I wish you all the luck.........When thing get hard pray God will help you for all your kindness to this angel......... She didn't ask to be in this postion GOOD LUCK.

I wish you all the luck.........When thing get hard pray God will help you for all your kindness to this angel......... She didn't ask to be in this postion GOOD LUCK.

I am childless, but if my love for my Stunt Toddler of a nephew has taught me anything, it is that it's enough if children know that you will always be a place of absolute safety and trust for them. You can't wrap them up in cotton wool or protect them from all the evils of the world. Show your stepdaughter daily that you love and respect her mother. Some days you'll be a "mummy" (no matter what you set out to do), some days you'll be an "auntie" (ouf). Just let her know that you're willing to play either role as her needs dictate. I'm in a position where I am investing a lot of time and love on that little boy, but I know that I'll never be a parent to him. You sound like a wonderful person, and I wish you all the best. I'll never forget a TV interview I saw once, with a psychiatrist working with a shelter for abused children. She said that no matter what the parents may do to children, beating them or abusing them, they always want their mother, and would give everything to be with them again. The Stunt Toddler is only three, but he knows how to bug his mother. Be brave and strong, and love that little girl with all your heart. If you dare to let her treat you like a "Mom" when she needs it, no matter what the cost to you in terms of your emotions, but without making her feel torn between you and her biological mother, I think you should be okay. I've never been a parent but I know a fine young woman who loves her "two Dads" and her biological mother. It can be done.