Any Good Stories?

I am currently in a position where my husband's daughter of six years may be coming to live with us. We have no children of our own, the daughter is coming to us from a neglectful situation (her biological mother is now in jail), and I care about her very much. However, having never been a mother, I am very nervous about the idea. I've spent many hours on the Internet searching for stories from other stepmothers, but they are almost all very, very negative. Is this situation doomed from the start? Does anyone have anything positive to share about their role as a stepmother?
siren1971 siren1971
36-40, F
81 Responses Jan 17, 2008

never talk badly or negatively in any way about her mother when you know she's listening or when you aren't sure.. because they are ALWAYS listening.. Encourage her relationship with her mother.. to keep in touch as she feels comfortable.. give her lots of love, encouragement and praise, and don't be hurt if it takes her a while to warm up to you.. work on being her friend and winning her trust first.. never expect her to call you mom, unless it's her idea.. and most importantly love her dad so she can have the example of a positive loving relationship. Kids learn by example! Goodluck!

It has been very interesting reading all these comments since I am a struggling step-mom. I always said I would never marry a man with children or a child. I did marry him and when it was time for me to say 'yes' during the ceremony, I said it in a low voice since I was hesitant about getting a step-daughter. I am going through a bit of a rough patch since I feel myself becoming jealous and resentful toward my step-daughter when she is short (and sometimes nasty) to me. I have to keep telling myself she is a little girl and sometimes she is nasty to her daddy too...but for me sometimes it hits me harder- maybe I am over-sensitive... but when she behaves this way, I get very quiet and do not want to have anything to do with her...and my husband immediately picks up on it. I would be very grateful if someone out there could offer me some advice on how to overcome this over-sensitivity I have!!!

To be pragmatic, it may be a lot easier with the mother in jail. You can do all the things you think will be best for your step-daughter without interference for the sake of interference. I'm not hating on anyone's mother, I just know first hand what it's like to deal with a vicious and insane person disrupting a child's life. <br />
<br />
I think you have a great opportunity to do great things for this child, get her in counseling, sports, reading her bedtime stories, family dinners, without worrying it could come crashing down around your head.

I think you have a much better chance at bonding with a six year old vs. a sixteen year old...I went into my marriage with a sixteen year old daughter; an only child with no mother and a daddy's girl to boot and she put me through hell with no support from her over-protective father..Despite of this, I tryed to bond but she attacked me physically a month after we were married and her father sided with her of course simply because she was skipping school and I asked her what she was doing home at this time and inquired as to why she wasn't in school and she told me to ***** off and I wasn't her mother...Not a good experience...Now she is grown with two children and daddy gave her and the father of her children a so-called job with him where she can sit in her office/daycare that daddy had built for her, so she can bring her babies there, and watch her boyfriend so he doesn't cheat on her and shop on the internet and get an awesome paycheck for doing virtually nothing...We are still together, but nonetheless I feel like the daughter and she is treated like the wife..Not a good feeling at all...I wonder if my shoes were on her feet if she could handle this being that her boyfriend can't even socialize with his own family due to her insecurities...

My two cents will be ba<x>sed on my own mistakes as a stepmother. I don't have children of my own either by my own choice. I met my partner after my marriage breakup who has a teenage daughter. In the beginning, all was fine, of course, but things take their tow in the end when you can't wear a mask all the time. The girl only lives with us part-time, but it can be very intense anyway. However, it all depends on how the child is being brought up. My step is very spoilt by her parents, so many things make me cringe, even though it's not entirely her fault. So, my advice is: if you're not happy with some sort of behaviour you find unacceptable, have a calm chat with your partner or husband first whe she's not around. And if it's something you really think it could be dealt with on the spot, talk to your stepchild politely but firmly, without showing anger and resentment. Don't have an outburst in front of her, like I did, or even worse, behind her back moaning to her Dad, yet loud enough so can hear you. I felt really stupid and it was impossible to put things right later. I hope your step is better-mannered and has some boundaries which will make it easier for you to love her. They say love should be unconditional...well...let's get real, it's a virtue for only a few. I hope you are this kind of wonderful person who can love stepchildren unconditionally, no matter what. Unconditional love for your biological ones is one thing, but for your stepkids is another. The light at the end of the tunnel is that you can, yes, have a fantastic relationship with a stepchild if you distance yourself enough from delicate situations and almost deal with them professionally, like school teachers do. You must be able to 'steer clear of' your own ego because that's the one which can ruin everything, not your stepchild. However, it all depends as well on what kind of person you are. You might be able to love her unconditionally anyway, because it's part of your nature being a selfless, giving human being. Or you may be good with kids and know how to handle them. Good luck!

I am in the same situation - my stepdaughter is 9, and she came to live with us a year ago when her mother was sent to prison for a felony drug conviction. It has been very difficult, but ultimately because I love her father so much, we make it work. We have also been through other things, including getting permission to move with her out of state because my job required us to move, making a 1000 mile move, and adjusting to a new place just the three of us. I did see a counselor for about 2 months when I was going through the toughest part of the transition. The hardest part about her mother being in prison is that you never get the break - the weekends off or alternating time so that you can do the adult things that you are so used to doing. We've had a very hard time finding babysitters in our new locale too. On Wednesday this week she will fly home to visit her maternal grandparents for the summer. I am counting the hours because I need my break. It has been very rewarding to get to know this little girl and spend time with her, and I think you'll find you have those moments too. She is young enough where she will respect you as a disciplinarian and major positive female role model in her life. But just remember that it is okay to take breaks for you, its ok to feel the way you do, whether positive or negative, when you feel it. Just make sure you direct the negative feelings somewhere other than the child. It is difficult sometimes but you can't blame them for being in the situation you're all in, its not her fault her mom screwed up so badly. You'll be ok - just make sure you find time for you, and seek help to talk to someone professional if you feel overwhelmed by it all, it definitely helps. <br />
<br />
I've been looking for stepmother support groups in my area but haven't found any, so I'm glad I finally thought to search online for message boards. It really does help to get it out there sometimes.<br />
<br />
Good luck, you can make it work if you really want it to work out with her dad!

Well, I'm not a step-father, or step-child, nor do I have any kids of my own,...but my cousin & her 7 or 8 year old daughter stay with me during the week, while her new husband trains at the military ba<x>se nearby.<br />
<br />
He's not the girl's biological father, ...she calls him by his first name and knows full well that he isn't her father. The thing that seems to make it go much more easily for her (the little girl), is that Travis (my cousin's new husband) makes my cousin *happy. Show the girl that you make her father happy...make her father happy.

I see this is an older entry, and I just now came upon it. While I am not now a step mother, I was for over twenty years. No, it is certainly NOT doomed from the fact, you have a chance to make a real difference in your new daughter's life, in many ways. For me, the best approach to take was to assure my step daughters that I knew they loved their mother, and would NEVER try to replace her. I also made it a habit to NEVER speak ill of the children's parents, FOR ANY REASON, in front of the child. My best advice? Try to relax...let her see you want to be her friend, and nurture the things SHE cares about. You really do care for her, and she WILL see it...though it may take a while. I encourage you to talk to her often, and engage her in daily mundane activities...these are bonding experiences, and highly valuable as such!<br />
<br />
If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me, any time. I send you the warmest of wishes for good fortune for the budding relationship!!<br />
<br />

well where do i start...<br />
My partner has 2 children a daughter 9 and a son 13 there mother had them taken off her 18 months ago and they were placed in foster care and my partner (there dad) got full custody and they live with us now as there mother was found to be uncapable his son is wonderful so polite so grateful for everything you do for him pushes the boundries like any normal child. I dont have any children of my own and was worried about how they treat me i was told it was paranoier how wrong they were. His daughter tells me not to hold daddys hands not to kiss her daddy dont sit next to my daddy. take yesterday for instance we all went for a walk and we was holding hands not even in her eye view and she pulled are hands apart and said im going to split you up. when ever im cuddling up with my partner on the sofa she has to sit on his lap and push me away i really feel as though she would much prefer it to be her and her dad cos she pushes her brother away and gets jealous when her brother is getting attention from his dad strops about shouts at everyone when she doesnt get her own way is always constantly wanting to be picked up by her dad and carried like a baby wherever her dad is she has to follow we even have to show our love to one another in secret getting kisses whenever we can other whys she goes off on one its really starting to bug me and i need help i feel like packing my things and leaving!!! Im not used to any of this.

Think it would help to let her have a"day" every week. We fostered 2 teenagers for 4 years, who fought for attention constantly at first (they are both in college now). Finally, I told them one day each week was "theirs" and my husband (at the time) and I each got a day, too. He got to choose what we'd eat, shows we'd watch, radio station, games, etc, and they learned to respect each others' tastes and stopped trying to outdo each other. If she gets whiny on your day, or her brother's or Dad's, remind her constantly that they let her have her day without complaining and she needs to show the same respect. More and more my boys realized they didn't have to try so hard and the special days eventually faded into everydays, again. On Mother's Day, one of them called and said, "It's your day. Where are we eating?" Nice to know they remembered those days in a positive light. Good Luck!

I am a stepmothe to a five year old. I have three of our own which are 8,7,6. We have structure in our home. When my stepson came to stay with us he was able to do what he wanted when he wanted. He acted like he couldn't do anything for himself. I just explained how we live and that he has to do his part. He never had a family like ours, him and his mother move alot and she had many and I mean many boyfriends, and the her side are just out of it. We only moved once and that was to a bigger house. We have the atmosphere that he needs and the understanding that all children crave. Just go with your heart. Try to remember how you felt as a child and go off that. I do that with all my children. Just don't make the child feel like you don't want her around. be understanding when times get tuff. I think you will do fine :)

I am the stepmother to 5 boys and 1 biological child, also a male. I was a step for 8 years before having a child, which taught me a lot. The boys lived with there mother and we got to spend two weekends a month with them. From my experience, dad wanted to make all their "wants" materialize, therefore they were " orphans" on the weekends we had them. They had no father just a wallet and fairy godfather. I tried my best to maintain structure and order in a house, notice I didn't say home, that the boys considered Disneyland or Dream Central. I corrected with reserve and lead with as much authority as I could muster. I also came to realize that father got absolutely no respect. The only phone calls he got were, "Dad I want and/or need the latest wish fulfilled". At times I was considered the wicked stepmother, I think, but there is a happy ending to this story. I have since been told, several times by each young man, that I was loved and respected and they needed and wanted that structure and authority. Basically, the same thing with my biological child, you can't be their best friend and confidant and expect any respect. Open your heart to them, love them, give them structure and authority, demand respect by showing respect and maybe you will achieve the, "HAPPILY EVER AFTER", that we have achieved.

She wont like you at first, but be nice, is she notices anything sign of you not liking her in anyway, she wont be happy, i have a stepmother, i hate her, shes always mean to me and giving me attitudes.

I've created a unique online support community where we can read, share, and learn about one another's trials and victories, anxieties and triumphs. The goal of this website is to create an online support community where members of similar backgrounds can connect and share their experiences with one another. Much of the current online networks are aimed at discussing life’s tragedies: depression, anxiety, suffering, loss, divorce, addiction, and disease, for example. But, life is so much more than just these negative experiences. This site is also geared at providing an online forum to post about life’s joys and triumphs. In sharing both the positive and negative experiences in our lives, we get a sense of just how rich our existence is, and begin to see our lives in a more complete, realistic way. We see our lives through a different skope – a different perspective.<br />
<br />
Feel free to visit the site at<br />
<br />
enjoy skoping!

i was a step-child to a couple of diff mom and dad have both been married twice after divorcing each other. my first stepmother made me feel little and stupid. she did not like me. and i was beneath her and her children. my first stepfather made things fun most of the time. he fussed at me cause i farted at the table once. lol. but i think that was called for. these steps were both during the same time in my life. <br />
the second set of steps came to me when i was already an adult so it is a bit diff...i love both dearly. <br />
if my first stepmother had not felt such contempt for me it would not have shown so much in her actions. you love this girl already. that will show. she will,however, see you as a threat for a long time. she will not be trusting and the neglectful situation will make that worse. as will her bio mother being in jail. if you are kind, loving, thoughtful of her and her pain she will attach to you. show her what your mother showed you.

try to be a friend to her and one thing i tell you( a secret about kids) they love to hear your childhood adventures(as i have a neighbour kid who mostly sleeps at our home..(: ), that is, what you did when you were of their age.<br />
If you can't remember anything then you can make up stories like "fairy was really sad but then she saw a light which was very bright..." and sugar-coat it with every sweet word of hope.<br />
<br />
Hope it helps you..:)

Your in for a world of sh&$! Take a class on how to deal with a neglected child. The child is not just a "stepchild", she is an abused one. You will need to be armed to the hilt! I would get her into therapy immediately!!

I understand completely. I'm dating a man with an 8 year old son and who is talking marriage...I'd really like some positive stories, too. :-)

I was just 32 and I have lost my loving wife.My son was just one year 6 months and during her second child delivery, she had passed away.The second one is girl baby. My mother was aged and she started taking care of both the kids. after 2 years 6 months, my mother forced me to get married and I have married to my own relative. We are almost completed 13 years of second marriage and before the marriage only we had decided not to have any kids. My wife is taking of the kids very well from the day one. My kids are not 12 and 13 years old and we never told about their mothers death. Kids, wife and me are a very living happily.

Is this is right age to tell them about all that happend? If so how to start with, please guide me. I dont know how the kids will take it up? will they accept the second mother

Ask me in about 2 more years. I thought things were going ok, but I'm learning that as soon as my SD is away from me, she has nothing good to say about her life here with me. It's been like that for years, apparently. I'm ready for her to be grown and gone.

?f you dont want to be a stepmother like in tails or movies you never and ever be. dont look at her and think she is your husband's daughter, she is just a six years old little girl, just take her trough your heart. goodluck..!!

I met my stepmom first time with 4 years.
I love her like a real mom.
We have a really strong relationship