Snapshot of a Stepmother

All you can do is your best and what you feel is right. One day they may come to you and thank you for all you have done, and if not you can at least know that you tried. *Hugs* It can't be easy.

I, too, am a stepmom and know what you're talking about. I have a 12 year old stepdaughter and a 9 year old step son; then my husband and I have an 18-month old boy. They are good kids and their mom is not at all a problem-maker, so I know I'm lucky. To further complicate things we live next door to my husband's parents, and they watch the stepkids after school and all during the summer. In effect, they (well, Mom-mom, really) raise those kids.
It's wierd because the more I get to know the kids' mom, the more I realize how much she and I are, with many similar values and traits. The I see Mommom trying to exert her power in a very passive-aggressive, martyrish way, that ****** me off, so I can only imagine how infuriating it to the kids' mom. It's hard to not try to intervene about some things, like horrible eating habits and bad homework and study habits, and even the "if you don't like it don't do it" mentality that is propagted at the in-laws'. Mommom alone is creating spoiled lazy children, and I sit and witness it and feel powerless to do anything about it. Yeah, I can lead by example and all that but it's so evident to me that the best interest being served is mommom's, not the kids'. Grrr...
On a lighter note, they get tons of love and affection next door and there are many wonderful things about the arrangement. It's not all bad. Just some.

Go to the library and check out books on step parenting that is the best thing that I could have ever done It helped me deal with kids pitting us against each other and us against grand parents and against the other parent, and against other children in the home.

Wow, you said it so well. Thank you for the enlightenment of stepmotherhood.

Just yesterday, my almost ten year relationship came to a head when the youngest of my four wonderful stepchildren was in a car accident. (She is fine)

My husband listened to what he termed as a frantic message from our daughter on his cell phone. His ringer was off, so he missed the call which came in three hours earlier.

I wanted to listen to the call also since he stated he couldn't understand the message bacause she was crying and blubbering. He then accidentally erased the message in his own panic which upset me.

I questioned as to why he would erase it. He yelled at me that I was scolding him.

Yes, in a way I did scold him, but, to yell at me when I just wanted to listen to the message from her, because I Love Her. That was uncalled for.

The yelling hurt me deeply because he stated this was about HIS Daughter. WOW, I always thought she mine too. All the memories of situations reinforcing the fact that his children were not mine flooded in.

He then went on to say I only care about myself.

Yes, I am expected to feed them, clothe them, comfort them, dote on them in all ways. I am not forced to do these things. I have done them because I Love Them as My Own.

My husband has never wanted any advice if I noticed Red Flags involving the teens. However, I am to be ready to listen to all his feelings about them.

I am to figure out when to be a Mother or just a Friendly Adult. Why are Stepmothers expected to be only one or the other depending on the wishes of the Father.

I wanted to be a full-time Mother.

I fully realize now that I truly have not been anything more than the Friendly Adult. After all, the frantic call did not go to my cell phone which by the way had the ringer on.

My husband diminished anything I have ever done as a Mother in the arguement that followed.

I am to suck it up once again, but, I can't. I asked for a Divorce.

My feelings don't matter. He promised me my own baby, then after we married, refused a reverse vasectomy. I accepted this.

Foolishly thinking I already had four beautiful children from him. I gave up the idea of having my own. Then I sat back and watched him make every significant decision regarding HIS children with his ex-wife, the true natural Mother to HIS children.

I have been capitalizing the word HIS because he has let me know, they are HIS and I am only a Stepmother.

As for the first wife, she is very nice. A few years back, I made the decision to invite her for Christmas so the family would not have to be split. I've been told by others that doing so showed my unending Love for HIS children. We spend most Holidays together now. It is fun.

Suffice to say, no matter what I do, or have done, will never change the fact that I am not their Mother. They won't pick up the phone to call me first. They won't remember my Birthday unless someone reminds them of it. (That is another story, my Birthday has never been celebrated with the family even though we have a tradition of doing so with everyone else). I have to wonder if they will visit me in my impending old age.

So, I hear this is the way it is for most Stepmothers. Very sad state of affairs.

No matter how much love, how much doting, the Stepchildren and even more importantly, my husband, will never view me as equal to the children's Mother.

That just Sucks!!!

So true.