So Far From My Idealistic Vision

I find myself so often thinking, "I hate being a stepmom".  I have 2 babies with my husband and, as I raise my own kids, I have only grown progressively more impatient and angry at my stepmother role I have occupied - now I am trying to take more and more responsibility off myself.   Sometimes I feel so desperate, counting the seconds until my stepson goes back with his mom.  I'm plagued by guilt and often feel disconnected with my husband over this issue -- it seems to divide us because we can never, ultimately, have similar needs or emotions towards his son (we each want and feel different things with respect to his son).  I can't beleive how far I've come from my idealistic view of what this would be.  It's the hardest job I've ever done -- and i've still got a long haul to go.
lovey0825 lovey0825
31-35, F
10 Responses Apr 10, 2007

hate to say but at least you get a break from your step son. My step sons mom is the most useless piece of crap she can't be bothered to spend a dime on him let alone see him. He lives with us full time..

I feel your pain. My SS lives with us full time too and never sees BM. I hate it!!!

well if you ever need to get some things off your chest you can always talk to me, I know how it is!

I have a sd (10) and a ss (13). I have been in their lives for four years and married to their father for just over a year. The girl is a sweetheart and always has been. The boy is moody, unfriendly, rude, and dismissive and always has been. I'm an elementary school music teacher and through the years have only genuinely not liked just a handful of my students. I GENUINELY DO NOT LIKE MY STEPSON. It's so hard to live in a house with this element. They're here 30% of the time. Help! This is of course someone dear to the man I love. What a crazy situation to find oneself in! I just started counseling over it. Ex-wife does not help - she is blaming me for everything!

Dear sisters, I join your concern as I share the same too. When my 18 year old stepson comes for a visit, my husband totally ignores our 5 year old son and he has strong fights with me, he offends me of being "an evil ogre" and he wants me to love him as if he was my own. I think that the best solution would be that the biological father should not involve his children from the past into the newly created family ( if the child lives with his mother). Okay, he may love his son from his ex wife but not involve him to the new wife. Believe me, I have tried for 5 years, but it has still not worked.

Sometimes I think there must be a special place in heaven for stepmoms considering the hell we go through. I blame a lot of it on fairy tales and psychiatrists. We get blamed for everything a ss or sd does or doesn't do. Sometimes I feel that it's not only my husband I have to deal with but his family too. As far as they are concerned my sd does no wrong and I'm the evil ogre. To make things worse there has been no one I could talk about this with because all of our friends were his first and they tell him everything I say. I've had to keep all this frustration inside for years and it's making me sick. I feel like a prisoner here. I just don't know what to do anymore.

you are not alone. I also find myself counting down the minutes until the weekend is over so my SD can go home. Sometimes I have her call her mom early on Sunday to see what the 'plan' is (really wanting to know how soon she is going home) because I have had all I can take. The mom usually gives a time of around noon or 1pm, but then comes at her leisure after a trip to Target, the grocery or 'Brunch'. It gets very frustrating because I put off my shopping trips until after SD is gone because I don't want to be in the store having to deny buying my own kids things because I don't want to feel guilty about not buying her things too. She is a master manipulator and I have figured out that the only time I get her 100% undivided attention is when we are in the store and I'm buying her something. The rest of our time together whether at home or wherever is like I'm a rug on the floor for her to step on.

same situation. i have a 6yr old step daughter who torments and harasses my 2yr & 1yr old when she is here (every other week for the summer, all week long) i also count the seconds until she leaves. she physically and mentally drives the babies crazy! my husband doesn't see it-i'm just the one being "mean" when i catch her (shes sneaky). some days i almost wish i would have never gotten myself into this mess. but then i wouldn't have my babies!

I feel your pain. I'm torn between loving my stepchildren and wanting one big happy family and protecting my biochildren from the craziness that comes with their older sisters.

I completely agree. I have a stepson who lives with us full-time (only seeing his lunatic mother on Sundays) and it still drives me crazy. By the way, I say lunatic, because she is diagnosed with a mental illness that prevents her from working. She collects social security to get by, thanks to my tax dollars. Any way, we have a son together, he's ten months old and I am pregnant with our second. I find my stepson unbearable 99% of the time, I truly think he may have inherited his mother's mental illness. Yet, my dh thinks he is perfect. It is causing a lot of strain on our marriage and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any ideas on the best way to pretend that I like this obnoxious child and situation, that would be great.

me too and it sucks! I agree this is horrible! I so want to quit this job....... eventually though they will move on - the step-kids..... I am just biding my time.

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