Desperate And Sad Advice Please...

Like many women out there. I've entered into a relationship with the most amazing man and I love and adore him.

We have been together for 2. 1/2 yrs now and even back in the early days there were tell tale signs of strain. Which I tried to broach with my partner. So to describe alittle of my situation...
I am a mother of 3 sons, aged 27yrs, 25yrs and 12 yrs. I became a mum at 18 and have enjoyed the years of raising them, although at times it was hard. I felt I did pretty well in doing so and the 2 older ones now have very good jobs in law enforcement, hold good morals and respectful. I was a very loving mother to them, yet I had firm boundries in place.

My partner now on the other hand, became a dad at 49 via IVF to his ex wife 14 yrs his junior. (although there was alot of strain in their marriage at the time)
He agreed to go through the IVF process. However shortly after SS was born the relationship took a turn for the worse with alcohol abuse(wife was a drinker) and violence of the wifes side. Finally after the then 2 yr old SS, seeing the abuse of his mother punching and throwing furniture at my partner and even an attempt to hang herself, the relationship ended with law involvement.

After councilling, they agreed to 50/50 share care their son.
It took over a month for my SS to talk to me when we first got together, understandably he may have had an issue with trust and women when his dad was concerned. Over the past 2 yrs I have addressed behaviour issue with SS, being, aggressive, defiant,, screaming, sadness to the extend of depression. He self harms and I have tried to get help for him. My partner seems unable to deal with it, rather, not wanting to rock the boat with a volatile ex, who says there's nothing wrong with him.
Now from my part, I'm feeling a constant knot in my stomach, I feel myself shutting down. I've been a mother for nearly 28 yrs and part of me resents the fact that although I've signed up for another 10 plus yrs (taking into account 50/50 arrangement) the fact this chilld appears to be disturbed. I see it affecting my 12 yr old son whom tries to be understanding and patient but is struggling too.
Every fortnight this house changes, I become the cook and cleaner as my partner is completely devoted to his son and is jumping to SS's every wim.I find myself shutting down very easily as a woman and a wife. I feel there maybe guilt on his part (partner) so discipline is scarse and when trantrums are thrown, he just cuddles him and trys to comfort him. Although recently he's trying to be firmer. SS's Mother says there is no disturbing behaviour at her house.
When SS is calm and comunicates well, I am able to cuddle and tell him i love him, but the moment he snaps I find myself shutting down and having feelings of "its all too hard" and I need to think of my own son. Part of me feels for this little boy, his struggles and telling his dad that he doesnt know why he feels so sad and so angry. Yet I find I just can't bond with him
At this point, I am seeing a psychologist because of this all. I feel bad, that I am weak and even selfish that I am now struggling with raising someone elses child, when for me I'm coming to the end of raising my children with only 5 yrs till my youngest is 18.
I am not involved with any decison making for this child and I feel a complete outsider when it comes to expressing what I'm seeing. I feel it offends my partner and am finding it hard to tell him my concerns although he knows I am at breaking point and says he understands that I must do what I must do.
It breaks my heart. I now know why women who are abused by their loved ones stay, thinking it will get better, but it doesnt. I am so so close to leaving, but the thought without this man tears at my heart :-(
Please, if anyone out there has some answers, although deep down, I know if I can't sort this, I must put my son first and love doesnt come into play :-(
DebJ66 DebJ66
41-45, F
1 Response May 15, 2012

p.s SS is only 5yrs old