A Torn Stepmom

I have a 3yr old stepson. I thought I could deal with the fact since I grew up without a father, but as days go by it does not seem to get any easier. My husband and I love eachother terribly, I dont have any children of my own but we are specting one in 6 months :) 

The problem is not his son, and its not that I dont care for him- becasue I do- its the fact that his father wants me to see him as my own child and I cant.  I can tell the child sees me as his friend so I see him as a little friend too.

  Its really hard to start your life with the perfect man, when he wants you to pretend his past involved you from the getgo.  I wish I would have met him 3yrs sooner, but I did not. I wish I  was his only wife, but I was not. He is my first and only, and our upcoming baby is my new and only family. I want to see his son as my own too, but I cant- I feel as if I am not taking my place. The boy has a mother, I dont want to confuse him. 

Things are hard to deal with, but I love my husband and my future with him. I try to remind myself that I can't jugde him- he is a good father and an exellent companion. I need to find a way to divide him from his  past and what it meant to him. Now I am his past, present and future, and whether I like it or not- if I want to be happy- I have to see his son as an idividual who will somehow fit in our new lives. After all, the boy has no fault. I am sure he will make a great big brother.

miss1983 miss1983
22-25, F
9 Responses Apr 23, 2007

my god!!!! i am in an exact posittion... except - my partner and a husband to be has a yr old daughter... i struggle to accept her although i do realize everything you mention. it is so true, it is very hard to accept something you were never part of and suddenly you have to like it... yes, your husband is a package and blah blah blah but that does not make it any easier. my partners daughter is growing up in a family of his ex where everybody hates us both. it is true, i only see as my family me, my husband and OUR future children. it may be harsh but in our circumstances it is the only way to survive!

Love your stepchild like your own and then you will understand

Having lived with older step children, and knowing that their mom is out there - somewhere - but only sees them when she wants and when it's convenient for her, I have had to step up and be there for these kids.<br />
Now their mom is back, temporarily, and of course I am nothing now.

I have a 6 yr old step daughter and I am more fond of her at some time than other. I do not have my own children, so no one can really compare the differences. I get her ready for bed, make sure she gets a shower, fix her dinner plate, I don't think her father would know the difference if I treat her differenlty or not. I can tell that I have more patience for my nephews than I do for her. I also think that I am more worried about her raising up well, and I don't have worry about my nephews like that. The tough part is that she never wants me to be the person to put her to bed, or fix her dinner plate, and altough she doesn't really get a choice, I want to do it much less when she openely tells me she wants someone else doing that stuff for her.

I can appreciate the feelings of being an outsider. In fact I have taken to referring to myself as such. They need me around to help them find the salt, their shoes etc. the remainder of the time they will only notice and acknowledge me if my hair is in fire and even then only because the heat causes their personal discomfort.

I understand very much! My husband thinks the same way! I fell the same way as you and have the same role as you.

What you need to understand is that it's unrealistic for your husband to expect you to love his child the way you are going to love your own. It will never happen. Stepchildren are not adopted children. They still have the other biological parent in their lives and that makes a huge difference. For your husband to expect you to love his child the way he does is the same as telling him that he should love his niece/nephews the way he loves his own child. It's not the same and it won't ever be. I'm not saying that you can't love his child, because you certainly can - and you can certainly treat his child the way you will treat your own, but there is no reason to feel guilty for not loving someone elses child the way it's biological parents do or the way you will love your own biological child and it's totally unfair for your husband to expect this of you. The sooner he lets go of this unrealistic expectation is the sooner you can have a better stepfamily. Take it from someone who knows...

I too am married to the man of my dreams. and I too am expecting a baby, we are due early Feb. His daughter (14) moved in with us when I first found out I was preggers. You are lucky in that he is young and likes you. I on the other hand am dealing with this manipulative brat that I resent and can't stand. My plan of action as of now is just to ignore her and enjoy my husband and this baby...... we are the now. We are what they have chosen we can't help the baggage we can just deal with it.

I am engaged to the love of my life, he has a 7 yr old daughter that I am very fond of. I really can feel where your coming from because in the last year I have had a lot of feelings of being an outsider. I care for her as in I want her to have everything in life that she needs but not because I love her but because I love her Dad. I don't have any children nor have I ever been married so it was really hard for me to live with the fact that he had this whole other before me that she remembers fonely.