Too Nieve to Be a Step-mom

Being 23 and a step-mother is not what I dreamed as a child. I never thought one day I'm going to meet the man of my dreams and he shall be an emotional mess. Plus, have a daughter under a year (or just shy of)

"Cheeks" (as I lovingly call her) was five months old when I met her. Being a female I of course had a instant emotional attachment to her. I've adored her since that day. She's been an ever growing source of joy and giggles. Of course, with ever pro there is a con; that's cons name is Bio-Mom.  I do have to be thankful that the drama she has brought around hasn't been as bad as other people.

Since I'm still new at this whole game and not a parent myself, I'm still struggling to find even footing. How does one do that? Or is there anything that make it easier? The topic of being a step-mom puts me into a bi-polar state; I'm over joyed when we have her and lack enthusiasm when she not with us.

Perhaps, the best way to put it all is I'm overwhelmed and sometimes doubt the role itself.
BettyBetty BettyBetty
22-25, F
12 Responses May 3, 2007

Jade17,<br />
Hey i was in your situation a year ago. my bf found out that his ex was pregnant after he had a one night stand with her a month before he asked me out. we had been dating a week when he found out, then he told me... i know what your going through! you have to decide what you want to do with your life. which is tough when your young, no one ever dreams about their life tuning out the way it is. i decided to stay with my bf and see things through. if you choose this (like i did) then you have to be completely honest with yourself and your bf has to be honest with you. youre probably going to freak out when the baby gets here. and youre going to have to be able to talk to your bf about it otherwise youre not going to be very happy at all. you have to have that talk about custody and how you want to deal with the ex. and its going to be tough. these next months can be a lot of fun but once the little one gets here you have to make sure your both ready for it. if you bf loves you and you love him its going to be hard but i do think it is doable. <br />
<br />
also dont forget about you! i stayed in our relationship but i didnt give up my life and wants. im still going to school and getting my bachelors so that i can do what i want with my life. but i am also a "stepmom" to a little girl whom i love so much. i put "stepmom" in quotes because i dont have the title yet but i have the responsibilities. and thats a hard thing to do! my munchkin turned one in march and i cant believe how much shes grown and how much my bf and i's relationship has changed. we make a good team. and you have to decide if you really want to go through with all of this. cause ill tell ya parts of it really sucks but i think it will be so worth it in the end (at least for us) its just getting there has its bumps. good luck :)<br />
<br />

It is so nice to hear some of your stories and some good advice. I can relate to you all to some extent, but in some ways not. As i am a 17 year old student, and i have been dating my partner for a few months, partner had a 1 night stand a few months ago, with his ex before we met, and now she is pregnant with his child. I cant help to be happy as i do love children but then again this situation comes with its many difficulties. I do not want to end this relationship because of this, as a care about my partner alot...i would love to hear some tips and good advice as i need it.<br />
<br />
thanks jade

I am glad I am not the only one. I am not married either, and yet am playing mother to 2 kids (10 and 13). They're great, but I'm not their mom, and their mom is in another state and we have them all the time. AND he is in the military and I have them all to myself for months at a time. Sometimes I feel like a glorified babysitter and I'm mad that someone else gets the title of 'mom' just for pushing them out. Is that wrong? I mean, I am doing everything for them. Don't get me wrong, they're great. Just, it's nice to hear there are other girls out there who are being stepmom before they're even married, and wrestling with being at the same time without an official title, but with a whole lot of responsibility

OMG we are in the same boat, my girls are 10 and 13 and we have them full-time (mostly me!) I am right there with you and I hate that they think she is the COOL mom because she doesnt have rules or structure or dicscipline (because she is scum that lives off of the government and wrongful child support without a job or a car and we have full custody and she ditches on them constantly). They tell her and their grandpa that I am SO MEAN to them because I actually punish them when they are awful, even though I decorated a room for each of them in my home, bought them each a wardrobe, I cook dinner every night even though I work full time and I go to their school functions etc!! I am nice and fun but yet I am the mean one and the loser who COMPLETELY ditched them when they were very young and continues to do so 90% of the time is preferred.
I am also still working on the emotions and roles of the actual step-mom title.....

WOW... Are you sure you are not me? I know what you are saying all too well. I have 2 step kids. Daughter 16, Son 14. They do the very thing you are talking about. I have had these kids since they were 3 and 5 respectively. They live with my husband and I full time. If I could turn back time, I believe I would do this differently. I would never advise anyone to be a step-parent. Its too much stress.

wow... i am 25 a mother of 3 and a step mother of three... i pretty much have six kids half the time..... i feel for you... but like the others say... you are so lucky shes a baby and that it is only one... you could teach her your morals since she was handed over to you... you are very lucky because it is hard to try to raise your own with your morals and then have other children come over half the time and bring in other morals/manners or habits that you dont want... be greatful... it might be hard but be the best step mom you can be and in the end it will pay off... she was sent to you for a reason... they need us...

snottypear,<br />
<br />
I was once in the same situation. In the beginning of my realtionship with my boyfriend, I was pushed aside from the decision making when it had come to his 15 year old daughter. In order for me to have been part of the decision making, I sat my boyfriend down and had a talk with him about how I felt when that would happen. After the talk with him, he quickly made a few adjustments and allowed me to be part of it. My advice to you is sit your boyfriend down and talk to him about how it makes you feel when you are left out and when others "challenge" you.

It is great to hear that somebody is in a similar situation. I am 24 and my boyfriend has a four (almost five) year old daughter with a horrible woman who he has 50/50 custody with. I have lived with him for almost a year now and I love them both more than anything; however I am constantly feeling like I have no control over my life. The mother changes houses/boyfriends/jobs 3 times a year so our house is the only stability in the little girls life. When she is at our house, I am basically her mother. I do most everything for her to make sure she is happy. We have a great relationship. We are not married though and I feel like because I have no title that I have no respect as an role model or "step mother" in her life. I am constantly challenged by family members, the mother, and her play therapist. I am constantly pushed out of the decision making process and the parental role by outsiders who do not see how our house works. I desperately would love someone to talk to in a similar position. This is the most difficult position i have ever been in!

Hi Dana122<br />
You are very brave to take on somone else's baby. I would have walked away in that situation. You will be hurt over the years, that's guaranteed, but I always try to remember that 'real' parents get hurt by their children too. I didn't take on babies - the youngest was 6 (now a delightful 16 year old. Not). Try some of the books I mentioned earlier. I find it hard because these kids invade my life for three days a week and then disappear again. All the major events in their lives are determined by their parents and I just have to go along with it. We get a lot of help from an aunt and grandmother but this has turned out to be more hassle as they seem to have more say than I do and they don't have to live with these monsters (who they think are wonderful and are racked with guilt over). You will need help and support, but make sure there are boundaries and that you remain 'the parents' when the baby is with you. All the best.

Hi i was just wondering how things are working out for you. because i am in the same situation you are and i was wondering if things a year later. I am 22 and the love of my life currently has a 6 month old. I fell in love with her and now am wondering if i just set myself up for hurt later. i guess i just want to know if its possible to do this. when im with her im great and do all the things that a new mom would but when im not the situation scares me and im unsure.

I have been doing this **** for almost 10 years but have recently found some good books on Amazon. The Courage to be a Stepmom, Making the Best of Second Best and Help! I'm a Stepmum. Good luck - you'll need it!

I agree too! i was a step-mom for 3 kids for 6 years the youngest was 3 weeks when the real mom handed him over to my current marriage I am a step-mom for one seriously messed up 14 year old girl.... the babies were so much easier and rewarding... I felt like I was a part of there childhood i helped to mold them.... they were like my own. I loved them..... I am pregnant now with my first one and have this monster in my house... not fun...... i miss the babies.

I agree with Emerald - you are so lucky she's a baby and not a child who resents you. That is not a fun part of being a step mom at all. I wish you the best!

Being a step-mom is a VERY hard role to play! I know. You can count your blessings on one part though--- this daughter came into your life as an infant. You and her are GROWING TOGETHER, with the ups and downs. Try inheriting 2 emotionally screwed up TEENAGE FEMALES! Ahhh.... no need to say more, I think you know where I'm going with that one!! =}

OH MY GOSH THANK GOD- someone else in my boat! I am acquiring a 13 and a 10 year old both girls. SO DIFFERENT!!!!! Please be my friend. haha