Wishing She'd Buzz Off!

The truth about being a step parent. It stinks! Let me tell you why. You're always walking a fine line between being a parent & not being a parent. You never get to truly settle into what you feel should be your place in the whole dynamic. They tell you that you're supposed to treat the kids like they're your own but the truth is...you're never allowed to! Discipline is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's a fine line between letting them get away with things you'd never allow your own kids to get away with & punishing them the way you would your own kids for such behavior. If you don't do something, you're telling that child that they can do whatever they want with no consequences & if you do correct them you take the chance that the child will run & tell mommy what a mean & wicked step mother you were to them. Then begins the endless drama that follows thereafter. What's funny is how you're allowed to punish your own children in the exact same manner when they act up but when done to a step child you are now the meanest, most wicked person on the planet & you are now on mom's sh*t list. Let's face it! You were on mom's sh*t list the moment you showed up in dad's life & from then on everything you say or do will be under mom's microscope. She will be there with claws sharpened, perched & waiting to attack if you blink wrong. No matter what you say or do you will always be the wicked step mother. So, do you cross that fine line & treat them like your own...including discipline & have to listen to mom's endless drama or step back & not treat them like your own & allow them to be ill behaved brats? Either way it's a lose/lose situation. Btw...I do not spank my step children because I feel laying your hands on them should be reserved for dad & I know mom will fly off the handle if that ever happened. Even though I spanked my own kids...this is just another example of how you're not fully allowed to treat them as your own. I know some of you will think , oh just let dad handle the discipline but when you are with a child by yourself for extended periods of time you have to be a disciplinarian or they will try to get away with as much as they can when dad's not around. And, when dad gets home from work he's tired & all he wants to do is enjoy the little time he has with his kids & not spend the weekend punishing them which means....that's right....the child does not get punished & if that childhood does it is so brief that they've basically gotten away with it. Which in turn continues to make each weekend even harder than the previous. At wits end!
QueenBeeSquasher QueenBeeSquasher
31-35, F
5 Responses Sep 12, 2012

But QBS, he doesn't care how it makes YOU feel?? They are his kids...and I would make sure he understood they need just Daddy attention sometimes. He's being very unfair to you. I would say "no, its NOT that I don't like the kids-but they need some one-on-one time with you. It's not fair to them, when WE are together all of the time. So stop taking it personally and give the kids your full attention." Or does he need you there to babysit?? Just a thought...my life and peace of mind is much better since I disengaged. His X doesn't know what the heck to say about me-since I'm not out to "steal her kids" cause I actually do have a life with my own time needs. Of course, in the interest of disclosure, after she came to my door screaming I was "trying to steal her kids" I sent her a certified letter stating if she ever comes near me or my son, I will file a restraining order against her. I told her in the letter she may find it acceptable to behave out of control like that in front of her own children, but she will NOT subject my child to it. She knows I'm serious, and walks a wide berth around me at school events...

In my situation I can not stay disengaged because if I do my husband gets really upset and takes it personally. He will say that I don't want to be around because I dont like his kids. Also in my eyes, if I am not around then the mom wins. She'd love nothing more than for me not to be around. Then she can do what she pleases.

Being a step-mom is the worst! I say disengage from the scenario, make time to go out to dinner with friends, visit, etc. That way Dad has time with his kids, they get his undivided attention and you get a break. It's hard for his X to say squat about you and how they are treated-because you won't be treating them at all. When are you around them, be civil. It's much easier when you realize they are NOT your responsibility.

Having someone who understands is a big help in itself. As we both know, people just don't even begin to realize what it's like for a step mom. I don't even think they give it the first thought because they just assume we couldn't possibly care that much for a child who's not our own or how what the mother does affects us.

Btw...my husband's youngest is 6 & I've been around since he was 1 also. My husband also has an 8 yr old daughter & a 12 yr old daughter with the self proclaimed "Queen Bee!" Yep, she actually said that to me!

I am in the EXACT same boat. Luckily my step daughter is well behaved even though her mother gives her everything she wants. She throws fits at her mother's house to get what she wants but she's seen me spank my 2 year old son so I've still got my bluff in on her. She's about to be 6 and I've been in the picture since I married her dad when she was 1. Her psychotic mother uses her as a tool to try and get her father back constantly and she's not allowed to show me any affection unless no one is around. She doesn't draw me in any pictures, doesn't tell me or her father that she loves us unless she texts us from her mother's phone. She's a sweet kid that's stuck in the middle and it hurts me for her. I truly love her. Her father does treat her differently than our two sons though and that drives me crazy. This is one of the most unrewarding jobs in the world. It's like you're constantly begging a child to love you and it's so frustrating that no one understands! No matter what, I'm always the bad guy. Everyone tells me that it'll be better when they're older and realize what you did for them, etc. But why can't it be good now? Sorry I'm not much help besides being on your side.