"my Story"I am 27 years old. I have a 10 year old son from my previous marriage and a 3 year old daughter with my fiance. My fiance` and I have lived together for 6 years next month. His 2 older son`s from his previous marriage are 15 and 16 years old. My relationship with the boys has been mostly positive over these last 6 years with ups and downs here and there.
The boys mother is almost 10 years older than I and has had a real problem with me since the very beginning. Not only has she written me off as being too young or as she has put it, "Hey kid! You are young enough to be my son`s sister, not his father`s girlfriend". She has also taken every other possible "jab" she could. She tells the boys that she doesn`t like me because.... (insert a slew of false allegations ect.) She has even been Cyber stalking me through her son`s online accounts, using their Facebook and E-mail accounts to send threatening messages and to call me fowl names ect. While I have broken down here and there and replied in anger (about 5 times), mostly I have replied to the 70+ messages with "Please leave me alone".
I should probably tell you that my man is only 6 years older than I (which obviously makes him to young to be my father as she has suggested). While he has been there for our daughter day in and day out, he has been less involved in his son`s lives. Partly due to distance, partly due to their mother`s actions keeping them from him but mostly because he is the type of person to avoid conflict at just about all cost. After 6 years I still don`t care for this aspect of his personality, But I accept it because I love him dearly and no one is 100% exactly how we "think" they should be.
Here is the back story on myself. I had a rough childhood to say the least. I grew up too fast and too soon. I was the "adult" in my home by the time I was my son`s age. I cared for the younger children, dressing them and making sure they were getting to school. Even combing lice out and cutting their hair. I did the cooking, laundry, cleaning and even some of the shopping on my own.
When I met my first husband I was only 13. I know, I know. But I did not see myself as 13 nor did anyone else who knew me. We met in a support group for drug abuse. Long story short we were able to stay clean and stay together for years. When I was almost 16 I began a full time job and got my G.E.D. within a month of my 16th birthday. He and I saved money, and he bought me a ring. I was engaged at 16. After about 6 months, we found out I was pregnant. We married and had a son just after my 17th birthday. While I had meant my vows when I said them, I dont believe I fully comprehended how long forever was and that for better or worse actually means For Worse!!! Things had changed and I was unhappy. We separated when my son was just over 2.
After a couple years I met my fiance`. He and I had so much in common. He too was a young parent who had married young( to someone a bit older ). He too had a troubled childhood and a mixed family that had abused him. He was divorced, while mine was still working it`s way through the court system. We enjoyed many of the same activities, movies and music. Even though we hadn`t known before, we even worked in the same ***** mall and had many of the same friends.
Shortly after we began seeing each other he had mentioned there was an issue he had to discuss with me. We met for dinner and he told me...Months before we had met, a friend of his and himself had a "fling". His friend had just informed him that she had become pregnant on the night they`d spent together. He told me that they would be doing a blood test when the child was born but that he was pretty sure she hadn`t been with anyone else. He told me that he understood if I no longer wanted to see him and that he was sorry that night had happened at all. I knew that he already had 2 boys and I had come to terms with the idea of us possibly one day being a "mixed" family. But I was not sure that I was prepared to be in a relationship with a man who was having a child with another woman. I thanked him for being honest and telling me before things had gone farther. I thought about this what seemed like every moment for the next week. I did not want to rush into something I may regret later and chance resenting him for a night he had before he met me. I accepted this news and decided that I could not let him go. I told him that I could not imagine how he felt, but that I was there...that I wanted to support him any way I could, because I in fact was already in love with him and wanted to be with him. I knew we were moving fast but it all seemed right. I introduced him to my son and I met his boys. We moved in together within a few months.
I soon learned that while my Ex and I had agreed on everything regarding my son`s care after the split, and never fought or said unkind words...this made us unique. My new love came with baggage of a much different nature. His Ex was a nut! She lived in her mother`s house with their 2 boys. She didn`t work or pay bills. She had taken the younger of the boys and had him diagnosed as ADHD with a developmental disorder and was living off of the state, SSI, and her parents. She met a man who moved in with her into her parents house. He was a few years younger than her and was also unemployed. On a whim they had decided to move across the country to live with his friends and find work. This was during our first Christmas together and was going to ruin the plans we had made for the holidays. I was upset by this, but he didn`t seem to be feeling the same. He told me that she made rash decisions all the time and he thought she would be back in her parents house before the summer. He was right! She was not getting along with the people there and the living arrangements were not working out. So they moved to a different state to live with her father (without telling my boyfriend). Things didn`t work there either (go figure), so within 3 months she had moved herself and the boys 3 times to end up back with her mother. By this time she had already began to make remarks about us "not being there" for the boys and had started harassing us. She began to send nasty texts about my age and the fact that while he wasn`t supporting his own children he was more than happy to support me and my son. This was not the case. In fact, after paying his child support to her, he was actually bringing home less than I was. Myself and my Ex were covering my son`s expenses. I paid half of "our" bills and was even helping my boyfriend out with some of his debt. When I tried to explain this to her, she began name calling and proceeded to tell me that I was too young and immature to understand.
The child was soon to be born and we had not spoken in depth about what his role was to be in the child`s life. I think that to him it was still unreal. He went to the hospital to meet the new baby. I soon found out that this women who had just given birth to my man`s new son, was in fact in love with him all along. That she too resented me for being with him. While I didn`t go to the hospital to meet the boy, I did attend a visit at her home when the child was a couple months old. They shunned me. She would not even pretend to listen when I spoke but acted as if I was not even in the room. Her sister however, began to interrogate me asking me all sorts of questions and eventually landing upon the topic of my age. When I told her that I was 21 almost 22, her and her sister (the mother) looked at each other, snickered and the girl told me I was too young for him and that the conversation and the visit were over. That was the last time either of us saw the boy in person. I told my man that I was humiliated, and that I had never been treated this way before. Anyone who knew me knew I was intelligent and wise beyond my years. I told him that I supported his relationship with his son, but would not be subject to such an environment again. He told the mother he would like visitation at his home but she refused because I was there.
About a month later, he received a request for child support from the new mother and the courts granted it to her. The dept. of child support was now taking out the legal limit for support from his pay and this was causing him to be unable to pay his share of our bills. He could no longer pay for his cell phone, pay for us to have dinner together or even go out at all. Then she did it! His Ex wife became pregnant and filed for more child support! Since he no longer had a phone she was contacting him through my phone. He filed his paperwork and she called my phone to insist that he re-do his paperwork to include me and my income even though we were not married, ( which she had made very clear to myself and to her boys by insisting I was NOT their step-mom). I asked her to not call my phone anymore if she refused to be civil and she claimed that she wouldn`t if he would "be a real man and get a phone of his own". I went to the court hearings with him and while her boyfriend whom was the father of the fetus, whom lived at her parents with her, whom didn`t have a job or means of supporting anyone including himself was allowed in the mediation, she insisted that I was not welcome. Needless to say she was not awarded additional support and was angry. She did however make clear that she, and she alone was to have "control" over the boys in regards to schooling, medical, and everyday decisions.
All of these things were within our first year together. It has not been any easier during the last 5. She has continued to move the boys around always ending up back with her parents. She has demanded money for various things that she says are for the boys, but refuses to send paperwork or receipts. She married her daughter`s dad and then had another child. She sent her oldest to live with her mother while she and the rest of her family were living with her father. Instead of sending him to his dad ,just so she could continue getting support. She moved him back when we mentioned taking her to court for custody since he wasn`t with her and she was still receiving money and welfare benefits for him. She even put the oldest through online high school and did his work so that he could graduate early and watch her younger kids instead. I guess at least she is finally working now that she is 35. So he pays her to care for his son while in fact his son is caring for his half sister and brother. You may remember that I mentioned the younger of the 2 boys is ADHD and mentally disabled. Well he is 15 now. His whole life she has exposed him to things that were at or beyond age appropriate for him, while mentally he is much younger. Even though he has always had behavioral issues and has been in special classes his whole life, last year he was a freshmen at a new school. She enrolled him in regular classes and did his work so that he would pass. Even though he had been on medication since he was 3 for his ADHD she took him off of it. Then she wonders why he has recently become unmanageable. She gave the older boy ( whom is 16 now) *********** for a Christmas present when he was 15 years old and treats him as if she is just a girl whom is his friend instead of his mother. However, when HE called ME and told me he was becoming sexually active, and I spoke to him about the importance of condoms and how while I hope he keeps his goal of "waiting" to have sex, that "it is better to have protection and not need it then to need it and not have it", I was out of line?!? She insists that he is not allowed to have condoms and that IF he has sex before he is 18 he will be kicked out.
I have reached the present tense in my story and I know this has been a long one. (thank you for reading this by the way). It is now almost Halloween. Last month my fiance`, (yes were are now engaged) received a call from the Ex. It was the middle of the night and she claimed the younger of the 2 sons had began pushing down her small children. That he was out of control and he needed to set his son straight. He got on the phone and told him to behave and maintain himself more appropriately. About a week later there was another call of the same nature. 2 days later, we had gone out to dinner. It was the first day of school and we wanted to celebrate a good summer and welcome a new year and a new schedule. In the middle of our dinner, both his phone and my phone began ringing off the hook. His Ex was calling to say that she couldn`t handle their younger son anymore and that she was on her way to buy a plane ticket. His flight would be arriving the very next evening and he was now "our" problem.
When he arrived he was very excited to see all of us since we had not seen him in almost 9 months. He had one bag that contained 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of shorts, 2 shirts 3 pair of under ware and 4 pair of socks. It also contained the stuff we had just sent him a month before for his birthday. Since this was the 6th and she had received his SSI on the 1st, not only did we have an unexpected extra mouth to feed for this month that was not in our grocery budget. We also had to take him school clothes shopping, and get a bed and dresser for him. His mother called to say that she was planning to notify social security of the move and would be telling the dept. of child support to decrease her current support by half. Knowing the things I know, I knew it is not that simple. The child support is court ordered and would not change without a hearing. As for the SSI, I had no idea. Since there mother has always been greedy and less than truthful, we decided to contact both ourselves. DCS said that he must file a modification and SSI said he must apply to be the payee on his son`s behalf. Since these agencies are known for their slow processing, we got on it right away. When the Ex was served in her state with the DCS modification packet she flew off the handle once again. Her and her husband began to send e-mails to us and even other members of our family arguing that we are using her son as a pay check. That her husband had a uncle whom was a millionaire and a sister whom worked in a law firm and that they were going to make us pay for this. At first I ignored the comments but after being threatened I replied calmly. I told them that while I understand that they are upset that we did not just leave things up to her, trusting that she would contact the agencies as she had said she would. That we are doing this the appropriate way. Going through it legally and making certain that everything is documented. I stated that maybe he should seek counsel from his sister that works at the firm and that most likely she would suggest to anyone else in our shoes to take the same steps. I then asked them for what seems like the millionth time to stop putting the oldest son in the middle by posting on his FB profile page hurtful and untruthful comments about myself and his father. That this is only hurting the children in the long run and that if she can`t be respectful when contacting me I would have to get an anti harassment order. This is the response I received:
LOOK HERE KID,
First of all facebook is public..... second... DONT threaten me with your ANTI-BULLCRAP against me....
1) While my son is living in your household your business is my business and his wellbeing is also my concern.
she goes on to list how and why she feels this way ect.
It has been about a month and a half since he came to live with us. She has received $1500.00 to support a child whom is not in her custody and refuses to send any of his belongings to us stating that it is our problem. She has kept his SSI benefits claiming to be using them for his over due bills although she can not provide documentation of where the funds went. But is still suggesting that we are the ones whom look at him as a paycheck.
He has openly discussed with me the outrageous dysfunction of the living environment at his mother`s ( technically his gender-challenged grandfather`s house). He tells me that she was always going on his brothers FB to check up on me and make sure I was not being inappropriate. She told him that her youngest 2 are his brother and sister and that my daughter is only his half sister (remember he is develop mentally disabled and doesn`t always put 2 and 2 together) but he believes his mother because she is his mother. He told him that his father chose not to see them during periods of time where she had kept them from him. She told them that I am not their step mother because their father doesn`t plan to be with me forever and won`t marry me.
This is where the story ends so far. I suppose we will see what tomorrow brings!