Help! The Bio Mom Is Making This Very Difficult For Me To Be Involved In Anything :(

I have 2 (soon to be) step sons, ages 4 and 6. I have been with their father for 3 years, and are recently engaged. My fiance and his ex have many personal issues that will never be resolved, and I feel like I am being pushed into that now as well. Since our engangment in May, she has been trying anything and everything to make our relationship struggle. She took it as far and having her sons lie to the police saying that I punched the youngest son. I was arrested and released but not without a harrassment charge and a plea deal with DA diversion options. I obviously did not do what they told, as I love those boys as if they were my own, but I did opt for the plea deal with DA diversion. I am now in my probabtionary period where I have to do community service and take a parenting class, and can only have superivised visitation by a 3rd party (fiance is not acceptable by courts). This probationary period will last for 6 months from date of last court date.

Since then the 6 year old has started 1st grade and from what I could tell the 4 year-old was not attending preschool, like we thought he should have been. The communication between my fiance and bio mom is very minimal and if we try to ask the son about school he avoids it and changes the subject. I emailed the preschool teacher and she informs me that he is going to preschool but I am unable to participate in school activites, per the bio moms request. I am sure this is legit, but since my fiance and bio mom have joint custody shouldn't he also have a say in this??

Also what are my rights as a step mother? Can I attended events such as the Christmas program, or conferences??

The boys have never said anything to us about "me punching him", but they are very careful as to what they say to their father and I about school and their time with their mother. We don't push for information, we just ask how school is, what they are learning and what they have done over the week, but they almost always change the subject or say I don't know.

any help or suggestions for books and other related material would be great!
Countrymomma24 Countrymomma24
31-35, F
1 Response Oct 23, 2012

Wow, so she's already had you arrested... I would suggest you tread very lightly until you are legally wed to their father. And he needs to step up, they are his children, and like it or not, they are not yours even if you do love them as if they are. She is still Mom and it will do you no good to turn them against her even if she doesn't live up to their or your expectations of a mother.

Are they to live with you and their father? If not, all you can do is be a stable and reliable person when they are visiting and try to be the bigger and better person by not talking bad about Mom regardless of how she acts. If they will be living with you, you certainly should have more rights as to their upbringing (schooling, discipline, etc.). And even if they are just visiting on the weekends and holidays, in your house, when you are married, you do have some say in matters. Be sure their father puts your name down at their school(s) as a guardian and his wife who can speak on his behalf, pick them up from school, talk with their teachers, principal, counselor, nurse, etc.

And just for the record... coming from someone who had a step-mother... take your backseat role (assuming they are not going to live with you full-time) like the true lady you are. Support them, let them know you are there and can be a confidant separate from Dad or Mom. Don't try to push yourself in to quickly or too much. They don't understand that their Mom may be a bit enraged over her divorce and how that affects her dealings with you and their Dad. They just know they have a Mom and she loves them. They have a Dad and he loves them. And they have you as well... just love them... don't pressure or push. It backfires.

And change your call sign... you are stepmomma2twins... don't try to adopt them just yet. My stepmother always said she wasn't trying to be my mother, usually when she was doing just that.

Thanks for the input. I actually do have twin daughters age 22 months. That was the only name I could think of at the top of my head....I will try to come up with a different one ;) The boys are with us 3 weekends in a row and one weekend a month, and during holidays. I don't talk about the mom in front of them at all, because I know that is not good for them to hear. Last year I didn't help out enough in their schooling according to her, and this year I can't even attempt to help. It just doesnt make sense. She was the one who left my fiance for someone else (my fiances, now ex best friend). She is only ok with me when it will benefit her, and that is how she has always been.