I Have No Connection to My Step-daughter

I married my husband after 4 years of dating. He has two children from previous marriages. One is an adult and lives out West. His son's an awesome guy and I enjoy being around him. The other is a 14 year old daughter, who, despite my best efforts, I just cannot "get with." I feel no connection to this child, no love, no desire to even be in her life at all. We get along fine, mostly, because to me she's just there. She has a great relationship with her dad and that's awesome but I find myself counting down to the day when she's shipped off to college (she has weekly/weekend visitation with her father) especially now that I'm pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan to have more. At times, I feel like she's more of an intrusion or hinderance on my dream of an idyllic family. I'm very detached from her and I just go thru the motions of being polite and making small talk when she's around. A big issue, I guess is that, I do not trust this child...for good reason. If her Dad's not home and she is, I make it a point to go out and be somewhere else or go to my room and close the door. I'm not a mean person and I've never been mean to her but...gosh, I hate to say it but if I didn't have to see her ever again, that would be fine with me. I don't feel that way about ANY of his other family members...I love the rest of them to death. Am I a witch? Anyone else feel similarly about their step-children?

ReluctantSM ReluctantSM
2 Responses Feb 19, 2009

I feel that I'm in the exact same boat you are in, and with Gnatto's post. I have a 12 year old step daughter, were not married, but it's just easier to say we've been together for 7 years. Well anyways since his daughter was 7 I have felt that way. My boyfriend would tell me that things would be so much better if we had her full-time, I would say yea it would. But inside I did not feel the same. I liked it when we would only have her 4 days out of the week. Well then we had our first child together 2 years later, and at that time his daughter was 9, and two weeks before we had her, his daughters mom moved to a different state with a man she only knew for 2 months. So we automatically had full custody of her. Not only did I become a fulltime mom but a fulltime stepmom. I didn't know how to deal with it, and his daughters and I relationship was not good, well it eventually got worse to where she was giving me the evil eye, staring at me when she'd walk by, give me really bad attitude whenever I told her she needed to clean her mess. My boyfriend didn't like the situation and said something needs to be done or this is over, well he's my soul mate and I can't live without him. So we decided to take a vacation to help the situation, I talked to her and we both appologized for how we've been, well it was great for about 2 months and things are back to the same situation it was before, but no evil eyes or staring. She's 12 now and she has attitude you would not believe. I think I'm back to this point is because she makes it a point to my boyfriends family that the baby scrapbook of my daughter is not of her, she'll point out these pictures are of her and not me. She'll do it right in front of me, to them, knowing I won't say anything because we have company. So I find myself back at square one, I have no feelings for his daughter, I do excited when she stays the night at a friends house. It's sad, but it's true, I try to make myself talk to her and ask how her day was, but I get a one word attitude, so why do I even try! I've told my boyfriend that before, but I swear men just don't get it! I count down the years to when she goes to college! I tell myself 6 more years of this, then it will all be over, but I'm scared to death on how her teenage years are going to be. It just makes me mad before all this started I was there for her went to all her games, took her to practice, went to all her concerts, her mom barely went. But now that her mom lives 2k miles away, she's the world to her! I GIVE UP!! Anything I do just doesn't matter anymore, so from now on I'm just looking out for my daughter and my unborn child. I know this is sad to say, but I have tried and nothing seems to be working. That's why instead of stewing over these things, I have been keeping myself busy by going to scrapbook retreats, doing beading classes, to keep my mind off of this. But sometimes I just need to vent!

Your feelings may be legit according to how she treats you, if i ever become single I will stay that way just because of stepchildren