Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Running Out Of Time

I met my husband 10 years ago when my stepson was 6 yrs old. He was also raising his ex (girlfriend)'s older child and had both children for visitation every other week and holidays. I have 3 children of my own who were in their teens and I had been divorced for over 4 years. When his ex got word of his relationship with me becoming more serious, she threatened to stop allowing him to have the kids, unless he ended it with me. I offered to meet her, thinking it would help if she knew the woman who was now caring for her kids while their father worked. She refused and continued to call and write angry letters, threatening my husband about me. I encouraged my husband to get some legal advice, since they were never married and he did not have anything in writing to support his rights to have his son. Over the next 3 years his ex had us in court, 2 to 3 times a year.  At each of these court dates she would convince the court that I should not be allowed to care for my stepson without my husbands presence and that I could not drop off at her house and was not permitted in her yard.  She continued to harrass me and defame my character using the court system. Since I was not allowed at these court hearings, I could not defend or protect myself.  My husband (then BF) was not aggressive enough to fight back to protect me and had alot of fear that he would lose his son if he tried to. After 3 years of this, we were finally married and things quickly changed.  had my husband and I known how important our being married was to this situation, we would have done it sooner, but with each court date and her constant calls and complaints to my husband prior to that, our relationship was pretty stressed. One month before our wedding, my stepson and I were enjoying some time alone as his dad was under the weather. During this time he opened his heart and soul out to me by expressing his sadness about his mom and the things she says about me and to him.  I reassured him that it wasn't his fault and that I would work harder on trying to have us all get along.  He went back and told his mom and the next thing I knew she had my husband convinced that my stepson did not approve of our marriage and did not want me in his life and that I should not be taking him to school or his activities. She told my husband that my stepson was afraid that he loved me more then him. After that call, my step son would no longer speak to me or be alone with me. (to this day I have no idea what she said to him to make him go from giving me a special mothers day card he made just for me, to the next week not wanting to be with me alone).  My husband is so influenced by her due to his fear of losing his son. She is manipulative, deceitful and vindictive. She calls and whatever she says he jumps. If I say the same exact thing, he doesn't respond or he attacks me for it. Now it's been 6 years of living by my husbands statement at the time of our wedding "when RD comes for the weekend, it's about him..." "I don't want you or your kids to interfer in any way with time with my son"..... My kids never really came to live with us fulltime.  They would stay for a few weeks to month, but wanted to be closer to their hometown & friends.  Since they were young adults they chose to live at their Dads.  They remained social with me and we spent most holidays and many weekends together. (They love my husband and have an excellent relationship with him). For the last 6 years my stepson has remained distant. I have tried to get close to him again by small gestures to rebuild his trust and to diminish anything his mother might have said. My husband has been and continues to be overly defensive and protective about my stepson.  (Oh and after the first court date, his ex told her biological child that my huband raised for 8 years with her, that my husband was not his real dad and that he would not be going to visitatin with his brother anymore....When she stopped my stepsons older brother from coming to visitation, and bluntly gave the boys this news...my stepson, who was 7 at the time, went into a deep depression and completely withdrew...he was devastated).  For the last 6 years the ex has manipulated every holiday including our wedding anniversary, to make certain that the day would be disrupted or ruined. This not only has affected my husband & I, but my kids and my family as well. She has taken every opportunity she could to interfer in our life. At one point I felt like she lived with us.  The amount of stress and strain on my marriage makes me wonder how we have survived.  But even though we are together, both my husband and I have become so resentful and angry and appear to blame each other. I blame him for not protecting me and for allowing her to hurt me and our relationship, for stealing the most precious days of my life..my wedding day, anniversary and special events....and he blames me, because he thinks I allowed all the problems with her to influence my relationship with our stepson and that I have not put my stepson above everything else like he has....and he means our anniversary...etc...because everytime she interferred in our time alone by sending RD when it wasn't our visitatin, I was resentful....and my husband feels that he should never say NO to his son...even though he KNOWS it's not RD, but the ex who initiated it. My stepson now lives with us Fulltime...his mother decided she doesn't want any kids since the older child is now on his own...so after all the court fights and her interferance, she just abandons the entire situation and send him to us 365 days a year 24/7...never taking him...or visiting with him....he has turned out just like her...manipulative, vindictive..and arrogant. He is defiant to anything I ask him to do.  He trashes his bedroom, his bathroom, and anywheres else he goes in the house. he brings friends to meals or over night without asking, comes and goes as he pleases, hangs out all day after school at our house with friends, eats all the food and never asks if it's OK. Has taken my personal items to use or break.  Has moved furniture into his room without asking. Is in trouble with the law (marijuanna), failed school, has no job and is not looking. He has no rules, no boundaries, and no consequences.  My husband covers for him, protects and defends him....and is now not speaking to me because I have had enough and have started to speak my mind and set down some rules....which RD has run back to my husband and manipulated my husband into thinking I was being unfair....I am in a no win situation. My husband is so angry that he just keeps repeating "you don't like my son"....which isn't true. Ilove him. I don't like him right now, but I do love him.  I brought up 3 kids who are responsible adults. I was strict as a single mother, but I also had my share of grief from my kids exercising their independance and testing...but they were never disrespectful or vindictive, and I would never have allowed them to be to my husband....but my stepson has no rules and my husband is full of guilt. I feel like everything I had to deal with with the ex is now being repeated with my stepson. I am the one being hurt and my husband cannot see it. I turned 50 this year and I fell like I already got robbed of my last 10 years of when I should have been enjoying my life.....my husband was everything I ever wanted in a partner, loving, kind, considerate, passionate, FUN, adventurous, exciting....but now he's just angry & rresentful...no kindness no respect no love...just anger and blame.....

hurtandresentful hurtandresentful 46-50, F 1 Response Oct 22, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

I am so sorry about all you have gone through. It could be me in a few years but I will not be here if it gets to that point.<br />
<br />
I have 3 grown children, too, and my husband's two little ones are already out of control at a young age. He and his unstable ex are intelligent people without a clue what they are doing and have done. These kids need serious help but they wait till tragedy strikes and then pay thousands of dollars for "experts" to step in.<br />
<br />
I am an experience el.ed./sp.ed. teacher and my sweet man never listened to a word I said, and now his son is failing miserably, helpless, depressed, socially outcast, dangerous to himself and younger brother.<br />
<br />
It's hard to watch the train full speed ahead going to wreck and causing destruction the whole way. Denial is how my loving man lives, and sometimes I think it won't work out because of the kids. He is my soulmate but tons of guilt in him, and his kids aren't his biologically so I guess the connection feels even more tenuous to him.<br />
<br />
I gave up everything to move to where my man is, but not sure it was worth it. I'm trying very hard but miss my own family and my daughter doesn't speak to me because I left her emotionally abusive dad. That really hurts.<br />
<br />
My boys have special needs and will move here soon, but I don't want to do all that if I am not staying here. It's hard to know what to do, so I try to do what I can each day and plan for the future as best I can.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I feel out of joy, though, and life has become surreal. Thank God for friends and new friends online, such a lifesaver.<br />
<br />
All best to you - wishing you peace and strength.