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Teenage Stepson Sent To Live With Us - Help!

My husband has a 17-year-old son from a previous relationship.  We've been together since his son was 2 years old, and he has lived with his mother with the usual visitation with us (every other weekend, holidays, etc.)  We have tried to get custody of him on a few different occasions.  Stepson's mother got a divorce a couple years ago and moved in with her boyfriend.  Ever since then, she stopped being a mom - didn't go to conferences, his baseball or football games, etc. and stepson started to get in trouble, bad grades, skipping school, smoking pot, etc.  He had a party last March when his mom was out of town and I'm not sure of the exact details, but guess what, he was sent to live with us!  She said we had more of a family structure at our house, and of course my husband wouldn't say no to having his own son live here.  We have two children together, ages 9 and 14.  It has been a huge adjustment for all of us, and very very difficult for me.  Stepson still has so much respect and love for his mother, but I feel like I don't matter to him, and I know I can thank his mom for that.  She is very jealous and insecure, has always filled his head with things about me.  He does like me, but I just don't get the respect that a parent should.  He will be graduating from high school in June, and he has no motivation to apply for colleges or to find a job - he was working for a while but was fired.  My husband bought him a cheap used car, and we're paying for his insurance - he's supposed to pay half, but of course has no job now!  I think my husband is being way too easy on him and needs to sit down and talk to him about college, getting a job, etc.  Stepson spends all his free time with his 16-year-old girlfriend.  I feel like our marriage has really been suffering since he came to live with us, and I'm really scared.  I never was asked how I felt about stepson living with us.  I was thinking I should just concentrate on my own two kids and let my husband deal with his son - whenever I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive and then we fight.  I'm about ready to move out!  Help!  Also, stepson lied to us a few weeks ago about something pretty major, and he is a pretty much a pathological liar - something he learned from his mother.

mochamama mochamama 41-45, F 3 Responses Nov 23, 2009

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I have been looking for help about this same problem. My 16 year stepson moved in with us 2 months ago and I also feel like a stranger in my own house. His father is definitely not strict. I am 52, already raised my own 3 and have had a wonderful 9 year marriage with his father until 2 months ago. I am also ready to move out but I love my husband and it seems I am in trouble either way. I am also scared.

I really sympathise and understand your situation - I am in a similar situation, I feel like moving out I am so close, on top of the stepson, I have no support from his father my partner he keeps saying there is no problem when there clearly is. His mother spends no time with him his Dad spends no time with him he is spoilt and I am left at home with him and I am at a total loss and on top of that we are still paying maintenance to my partners ex-wife - this is because my partner will not address the situation it is a complete nightmare and I feel like I am going crazy and dont know where to go for help or support.

I have a similar problem. Although advice is appreciated, it is hard to remove yourself from the situation since it is the place where you live, I know. That's what makes it so hard. I am miserable and uncomfortable just living in my own house where I do all the work. I feel as though I am a slave to my stepson. If I were you, I would be pushing him to move out when he is 18 - not long to wait.