Evil Stepmother

I have been married to my husband for 7 years (together for 8 years).  He has two children (son and a daughter) from a previous marriage (ages 12 and 13) and I have one son (age 13). All three children live with us full time.  My son's father doesn't get him very often.  My step children's mother has been doing better and now gets the children every other weekend. 

 We have had our share of ups and downs.  We recently separated for 7 months.  We have now reconciled and things seem to be better.  But the bond that I once had with my stepdaughter has been severly damaged.  She doesn't trust me anymore.  She is now clinging to her mother.  Which would (under normal circumstances) be a good thing.  Her mother doesn't have custody her because of a severe drug problem and just being irresponsible.

For the first three years of our relationship the mother didn't get her children at all.  I have always been the constant "mother" figure in my step children's life (as my husband as been the main father figure in my son's life).  But during our separation my stepdaughter clung to her mother.  Now my stepdaughter seems to see me as someone who is suppose to buy things for her and do things for her.  Like take her shopping, have her nails done, etc... But she doesn't respect or love me (at least it doesn't feel like she does) the way she use too.  I have had numerous heart to hearts with my stepdaughter about our separation and the feelings (good or bad) that she has towards me.  She talks to me but never really in depth.

The other day my stepdaughter was being a typical teenager and was arguing with me about some jeans.  I asked her to be quiet but she kept going. I put my hand over her mouth and told her to hush.  She acted like she was going to hit me.  My husband step in and disciplined by stepdaughter.  Two days later her biological mother calls me at work and threatens me.  I could understand where her mother was coming from if my husband and I were newly weds or if she had ever been a "true" mother to them.  But she has not.    I have always been the one to sit up with them at night when they are sick, to take them to doctor appointments, to read bedtime stories, to fix their hair for pictures or for cheerleading, etc...  I have been the one that does everything a mother is suppose to do.  I am so distraught about the situation I don't know what to do.  I obviously can not allow my stepdaughter to talk to me or treat me however she wants.  But I should not have to be threatened when I do discipline.  The teen years are hard years for every child and most hate their parents during this time.  I don't expect my stepdaughter to wake up one morning and be filled with love for me but I wish I could at the very least be appreciated for the things I do for her. 

ldjohnson ldjohnson
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 23, 2010

You are right. You should not be threaten when you discipline stepdaughter. Since your husband is so supportive (unlike mine), next time ex wife call him or you, just say "we have discipline her on our parenting time and please do not get involve with this or shall we involve your parenting from now on?" Just like that. We have been going to court so many times about ex sticks her nose into our parenting. They hate that pity fight like that. And in the future, if stepdaughter doesn't listen, she doesn't listen. If she gets in trouble with school because she didn't listen to you....oh well. She lives and learns then. I know she has trust issue because you were out of house for a while but hey, you have to make your decision as well so what can I do? Do not blame yourself. Stuff happens.

Hi Id, I understand how you feel this must be very hard for you. I've only had my stepdaughter living with me for 2 yrs but the older she gets the more disrespectful. I guess it's the hormones, or at least I tell myself that. It is sooooooooo frustrating to be the main care giver and still feel unappreciated. I can no longer handle all the arguing that my stepdaughter puts me through. I seriously feel drained. She will argue for hours if you let her. Even if I go to my room she would follow me to continue the arguing. I solved that problem by getting a lock for my bedroom. One word of encouragement, my friends who have daughters the same age also have the same problems. So her acting up is just that. Try to be patient, god knows I try, it is hard, I lose it at times. Good luck... Hugs...