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Ness

A brief history. I divorced a few years ago now, my husband was an alcoholic gambler. We had two beautiful daughters who are now 18 and 21. The eldest went off to university and returned 3 years later with an honours degree. The youngest (being most like her father) hated me for divorcing her dad and chose to live with him. Four years on she has finally seen the light that her father stands in, for what it is...but this isn't a story about him...it's about her.

Ness was a gorgeously beautiful baby, she was happy. As she grew up she comfortably fitted the role of baby of the family by always being the centre of attention.She was funny, demanding and trying, but at her heart a good girl, always the first to throw her arms around you when you felt sad, always first in the kitchen to help with the chores, always the one with a happy smile and a joke, you couldn't fail to love her. She's a shortie and always been a little chubby, but with the face of an angel and she always had confidence.

I knew she was having troubles, living with her father. He would often get drunk and shout and scream at her. He would stay out at the pub every night, and she would be home alone (not good for a young girl). There was never money for food, because his bar bill was the most important thing. I knew this was happening. I got snippets of information from her facebook about how lonely and awful it was for her and every time I saw her I would tell her she could come live with me. I gave her money for food, and on occasion had to drive a 30 mile round trip to fetch her in the night when something bad happened.

Ness has anger issues and I am not surprised why. She stood by her father when we divorced. Not because she loved him more than me, but I believe it was because she was worried for him. In her young mind she thought she could change her dad. She was, afterall, the apple of his eye. If anyone could keep him away from drink, she thought it could be her!...but he was...and is, relentless in his selfishness and it crushed the kid. My urge was so strong to get her away from him, but she wouldn't come to me.

She wanted to stay in the area she grew up in. Maybe in itself, this was an attempt to hold on to normality when all our lives were turned upside down. He found a flat close to his favourite pub and I bought my own house and moved a good 16 miles away (the closest area I could afford). I cannot tell you how hard it is to watch your baby be so angry and distressed at you and not come to you when she is living in such intolerable conditions.

She inevitably fell in with the wrong crowd and got heavily into drinking and drugs...there was no point being heartbroken, I knew I just had to always keep the door open and be there when she needed me. I was fighting depression at the time, had got involved with someone who was treating me badly (history repeating) and I admit there were times when I wanted to protect myself from the trauma of the sadness and frustration that came with her terrible situation.

Just this week she and her boyfriend of six months came to stay with me. He is a good kid, but he has autism and other problems. I thought they were ok...you know...like happy but on Thursday night they had a massive argument at 3am and broke up. I talked to them in the morning and it was revealed that they are both smoking weed regularly. His behaviour became erratic and he was aggrivated and upset. Ness was crying and distressed. One thing I know is that weed makes the taker paranoid. He is paranoid and so is she. I looked at them both and told him to have his father come collect him as I just wanted to focus on my kid.

I spoke to Ness and a torrent of sadness, anger, shame, disgust and anxiousness came flooding out of her. She looked in my eyes and said 'Mummy please help me'. I bathed her and washed her hair. Her body is thin and pale because she has lost so much weight, her face is pasty and spotty because she doesnt eat. I fed her and cuddled her and let her talk and when she finally fell asleep with exhaustion I phoned her boyfriends mother.

Liams mother told me she and her husband knew he was on drugs, but because he has autism and problems that they had decided not to help him come off of them. I told her that I was sorry for her and for Liam but that I didn't want Ness to see him or speak to him again because if I was going to help her get clean, there would be no point her associating with people who still do drugs. It is devestating to have to say that because I know they have some kind of love and affection for eachother...but sometimes you have to make a stand...and my intervention was way overdue.

When I got off the phone, I wanted to cry my heart out. I wanted someone to comfort me and tell me that it was going to be ok...but as ever I have to cope alone.

I need to be strong for my kid and have told her it's ok for her to let go of the responsibility of her father and be a kid again. Today we are going to collect her things and she is moving in with me and her sister so we can help her.

She has cried for most of the night and I have had her sleep in my bed so I could just hug her if she needed me to. She crashed out about 4am, I think she is exhausted...I haven't really slept.

Today I am taking her and her sister across country to my sisters for the next 3 days...all girls together, safe and out of harms way for a while.

When the new week rolls around, I will begin the long hard process of finding her some counselling and rehab and then we shall just have to take things slowly.

I have made plenty of mistakes, but I know I am a good mother. I want my girls to grow up and know that they don't have to take abusive behaviour from men, that they don't have to feel responsible for someone elses destructive behaviour and that they do not have to smother the reality of life with drugs and drink. There is a purer existence to be lived...there is a way to live that is not harmful or hurtful to others.

I want them to be strong independant women, but most of all, I want them to be happy.
deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 7, 2011

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Wow, I really do look up to you for being such a strong woman and mother. I wish my other would be so caring. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, but she NEVER listens to me. I talk about how I want a to go to school and be successful and she wants me to stay home and never go to school. <br />
Anyways, <br />
you are a good mother from what I can tell through this story.<br />
<br />
=) God Bless!

Am so sad about what has really happened to you. All i can say is that,BE A STRONG WOMAN ALWAYS AND BE THERE WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU.<br />
My prayers are with you always.Stay blessed

That is a great story ! The daughters are lucky to have you.<br />
<br />
I just want to say, please don't teach them to hate men as way too many women do which leaves lasting scars not only on their daughters but on any men they happen to have relationships with. There are also many good men out there. Men don't need to have added to their other woes, the unfair burden of being hated simply for their gender. There are some good and some bad of both genders. <br />
<br />
The Chinese ex<x>pression is apt, 'If you want revenge, make sure to dig two graves.'

Lot of respect to you for this story <br />
<br />
I hope things are better now

Hi SL, this is a powerful story, and I thank you for posting it. I admire your strength and courage as a mum and wish you well. I hope things are well out well for your daughter too.

Thank you for sharing your story...if someone reads it and doesn't cry....well......he/she has never experienced life as it is.....may your journey continue to be an inspiration to those folks who no doubt seek you out for comfort and wisdom.

It might be that another reason she chose to be with her father was a feeling of more sureness about you -- more faith that you would be there for her no matter what -- without that same surety about her father.<br />
<br />
I wish you the very very best in your fight.

bless.

You seem so strong. You are a great mother. Your story made me sad. But with your love for your daughter and your strength you can pull her through this. It is hard for kids these days, and what your daughter has done is almost the norm for a lot of kids. it is a sad thing, but with you being there I am positive things will right themselves. You are a good woman.

Wow I am so glad you added this post. It is really uplifting, I know it must be so hard to deal with all of these circumstances but stay strong because you are doing a great work. The truth always comes out in the end with divorces and things usually have a way of working out.Thank you for taking a stand against abuse as well. A lot of people don't.<br />
<br />
My own family has dealt with some of these more difficult issues and through my moms love our family was transformed.IT seems like you have that same love for your children.<br />
<br />
~Charityjh<br />
www.charityjh.wordpress.com

u r a good mother . just pray for u r daughter. God is with u .

Good luck in your journey. My youngest son is on drugs and all he can do is lie to everyone. He has 6 children. He doesn't get to see them anymore because of his actions. He has pushed his brothers and the rest of the family away by his lies and stealing from us all. I feel so sad but, my heart are with my grand children now. Blessed Be.

You are describing the effects of crack, or meth. Not marijuana.

wow<br />
i could have actually wrote this . . . . all the way down to the tiniest of details.. <br />
amazing how you get sent a story of some of the same struggles to help you with your own, isnt it???<br />
<br />
Thanx for the inspiration! You are truly a jewel

Dear mama,<br />
Your story made feel sad, especially your situation as a divorcee & that of your daughter.<br />
All i have to say is talk to our Creator and God, i think He have the right answers for your problems no matter how great they claim to be.<br />
But you are a kind of mother every one is praying to have.<br />
Remain blessed.

Your daughter is very lucky to have a kind of mother like you, if not she is doomed.<br />
Also, just continue the way you are going especially the counselling she requires at this point in time.<br />
Just show the motherly love for her and put everthing into the hands of God.<br />
I hope she will be fine and i will not fail to commend you for the efforts put together in rescueing her.<br />
You are a wonderful mother every one will pray to have. More grease to your elbow, remain blessed.

It takes courage to raise kids on your own. Sometimes, its hard to bite the bullet and be a mother and a father at the same time. One thing is for certain, I have a mom. She was not necessarily there for me. When she gets together, I hurry up and get out of site when she sits in a group of women. They ask me why I am leaving, I tell them its the women thing. Then My mom would tell me come back, I refuse. <br />
<br />
My dad disowned me, I tried to get into contact with him, he currently has nothing to do with me. I have a stepdad who is nothing but a wus, always throwing the past in my face every time I turn around. He rubs my mistakes in my face every time a discussion comes up. I have to face the world on my own one of these days. <br />
<br />
I am strong, take care everyone. The original poster, you have courage. God Bless you always. Peace

you are trully a mother,you have a true heart of a mother. thats you,a mother

I'll keep you and your daughters in my prayers. I hope that all will workout for you and your daughters. I went through a mess with my daughter, and had to nearly go to hell to get her back. For sometime, my daughter and I were at each other's throats. We she had one boyfriend, and he dumped her, then before long, she fell for a jerk, I knew was no good for her. Well she thought she loved him and hated me at the time, so one day she told me I'm moving out. That hurt me deep to my soul! When my daughter left, I was afraid for her, because I knew she was living with a monster. Then several months into the living with him and a few other people, he began taking her money, controlling when she could go out, who her friends were, and the clothes she could wear. Then if she did something he didn't approve of, he'd scream at her like he was her father instead of a boyfriend. Then the jerk went as far as arguing with her boss to nearly get her fired! One day it came to a head, when my husband, my daughter's dad went outta town for a few days and my daughter called me upset. The jerk and her argued all day the day before, then told her not to leave the apartment. You be here, when I get home he told her! Again second daddy instead of boyfriend. So my daughter started filling me in on all the crap she's been dealing with, and my blood was boiling! I told her, you are not married to him, and he has no right to control you! Well it didn't take long before the jerk from hell, showed a side of him, my daughter and I never seen. He called her cellphone dozens of times, and she didn't answer the phone, because she was having dinner, with friends, and, the cellphone was in her purse. Well the jerk went out looking for! Thank God, he didn't find her. So he smashed the front windshield of his car, and when he did get my daughter on the cellphone, he made up story about someone smashing out the front windshield of the car, and that she needed to get home now! I looked at my daughter, and said, I don't think so. Again he's ordering her around. I went with her, went we got there, the jerk's hand was cut up and, bloody. There were also pieces of glass in the top of his hand, where he punched the windshield! I said to her, grab some clothes and lets go! She did, and that man had a meltdown, he cried like his Momma left him at Kmart. I had to work on my daughter for weeks, and after staying at home, where she was safe, she returned to the jerk. OMG! I warned her this man is showing you he's going to be abusive, controlling, and if you marry him it will get worse. The second blow up, my daughter finally listened to me. She got out. Now that she's out the nex chapter has begun. He's now stalking her! My daughter had him banded from coming to her job. But he knows her habits, and what she likes to do. So she must change her habits! I fought so hard to get her away from that monster! Now, my fight isn't over yet! I have to convince her to file a restraining order against him. He rides by my home, he follows her if she's out with friends! This bastard's insane! The one thing idiot boy doesn't realize is when your spouse is in law inforcement, it doesn't pay to make waves with daddy's little girl! I hope my story helped you. You and I are doing what we must to pull our daughter's from danger and harm's way. I'm like you, I'll never give up on my daughter either, and will go toe to toe, with any jerk that thinks he can abuse my child, and it's ok!<br /><br />
<br /><br />
Hang in there, and keep me posted,<br /><br />
<br /><br />
Tambug29

CONGRATULATIONS... on being an exellent mom, You are doing an encellent job raising your daughters an taking good care of them... Keep up the great work.

CONGRATULATIONS... on being an exellent mom, You are doing an encellent job raising your daughters an taking good care of them... Keep up the great work.

Are you sure she needs rehab? By the sounds of it you are doing everything right as a mother. You are dedicated and loving and if she hasn't got into anything other than marijuana, I don't see the need. Marijuana is not considered terribly addictive. Paranoia can happen, but if they were both displaying paranoia, I would either consider it to be the fact that those emotions were already present and were just heightened under the circumstances or that there was something worse than weed involved. And if that's the case, than yes, she may need rehab. I would not send her into rehab if she doesn't really need it. Marijuana is the least of her (and your) worries.<br />
<br />
Here is an excellent article outlining some of the things you might need to know:<br />
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201012/is-marijuana-addictive<br />
<br />
Please don't forget to look after yourself in this difficult situation!

well done mum, you have done what all good sane mothers do - the best you can<br />
<br />
at the end of the day, we all hope to have perfect lives where our marriages dont fall apart, our exes dont treat our children badly and our children dont suffer because of the breakdown of our relationships - its called life and I have walked in your shoes<br />
<br />
love to you from a mother of three adults who have all carried their pain and shame into their adult lives and are now doing the best they can which is all we can hope for

It's like a circle of madness, my heart goes out to you.<br />
The depression is just part of the attributes of an abusive living environment. (hyper-active?)<br />
Your children what can I say they are blood and you have your natural protection unit built in from before thier birth.<br />
You are a good mother otherwise you would not be sharing here.<br />
So much pain, but if you can stick with it,you will win in the end.<br />
You are strong, and with just a few right people that support you through these times.<br />
I will be praying for you GB, hugs

she is so lucky to have you and her sisters...im kinda in the same boat. but my mama died years ago. you are very strong

Stay composed and consistent.See from her point of view -the whole circumstances.<br />
If she wishes to stay with Daddy that means something is holding her there. May be her caring and motherly attitude towards her Dad or his good luck .<br />
Just tell her that she will be able to help her Dad only if she takes very good care of herself.<br />
You are very supportive and understanding.<br />
Thanks for being a good human being.

Hi Ness,<br />
I have a very similar story however my daughter suffered from mental illness.After suffering most of my life with a mental illness,I was living in a marriage with an emotionally abusive husband.There was no alcohol involved but a sociopath is just as damaging.I had 2 children and tried to raise them as best I could while trying to keep my head above water.I had my kids 20 months apart and worked full time with not much help from my family.I left the marriage 3 yrs ago after almost killing myself twice and leaving with no money or belongings except my clothes.My kids were 17 and 19 at the time.My son the youngest was very angry at me and blamed me for our marriage failure.He stayed with my ex and my daughter left and lived with me after an abusive life with her dad.<br />
She had a thyroid problem at age 11 and a mental health problem.I let her boyfriend move in with us,not knowing he was a pot smoker,drinker and abusive like her dad had been She was also very overwight from her thyroid and she was bullied through school for years.I didn't know all of these things until later.She slept all day and was up all night.Couldn't go to school or hold a job.She ev entually moved back with her dad when I decided to move 2 hours away to distance myself and get myself back together.Her dad didn't know what to do with her and had mellowed significantly after we moved out because he missed her so much.<br />
Eventually she came to live with me.Heartbroken,depressed and no self esteem whatsoever,she hit rock bottom and wanted to kill herself.Fortunate for me,God had this whole situation worked out and I didn't know it at the time.I took her to an excellent facility where I lived and told them to keep her until she was better because I didn't know what to do.She had been a beautiful,happy,charismatic,smart young girl whom people loved everywhere she went,but she couldn't see her worth.They worked with her at the hospital and changed her drugs and gave her counselling.At the same time,her thyroid meds seemed to finally kick in at the right level.<br />
Not even a year later, she met the most fabulous young man when she left me and moved back to her home town.She moved in with him and his mother,After that ,she applied for college,got a job,and took off 60 pounds by exercising and starting a fabulous life with this young man.He adores her and treats her with the respect and dignity she always deserved.She passed her first semester at college with honor marks and is almost finished the second striving to make the honor roll.She is working and is the most beautiful,happy gorgeous young lady full of self esteem and respect for herself.Love and faith are very powerful tools.I would not let my daughter go through the suffering that I have endured all of my own life.Sy alot of prayers and hug her and tell her how much you love her,a thousand times a day if that;s what it takes.A mother's love is neverending and just when you are tired and don't feel you have anything left to give,God will fill you up again with strength and love to keep on going throught the next challenge.<br />
Things aren't perfect for my daughter and like all of us,she still has ups and downs but she knows she has a safe haven in me and can come to me at anytime with anything.I never had this kind of relationship with my mother,so I strive to keep the lines open with my children.My son is know out on his own and after years of living with his dad,he has respect for me and he knows more of what I went through.He has forgiven me for the blame he heaped on me,and I am buolding things back with him,even though he has some of my ex's traits.The example we set as mother's is the best advice you can give.It's how we live,not what we say,that the children will take with them for their own lives.I pray that things will only strengthen between you and your daughter and she will see what a humble,giving,self sacrificing mother you have been all through her life and the bond of love will be yours and hers forever and ever and others will see and learn by your example.God bless you!!! You are special!! Not everyone has this kind of love from anyone in their lives.It is truly a gift from God when we learn how to forgive and love no matter what the circumstances!!! Praise God that he is faithful and when we ask,we are given the tools for whatever we need to get through the next day.I hope our stories willreach others out there.Don't ever give up hope! Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and soul!

I was BULLIED into giving my son(Patrick Edward) up for adoption(in ILL.) 24yrs. ago (by my <br />
(bio) father !<br />
my son's b-day is Feb. 16, 1987 . can ANYBODY help me find him ?<br />
the adoptive couple (allegedly) named him 'David' .<br />
<br />
Patrick's(?) b-mom(Lori)

Singleliving you seem to have a good game plan and im downright proud of you. I believe you will get your daughter back on track; because you have what it takes as a mother and a woman from what i read.

oh, we are sending you lots of positive energy as you guys go through this patch of your life. Life is rough. Men and their bad behavior don't realize the bad, bad, patterns they dump on their kids. I hoe your daughter and you pull through this quickly. YOu need some joy and happiness and most of all peace!