Advice For Submissive Wives With beta Husbands

I found this on the internet and loved what the author writes about this so thought I would share with you. :o)

If your husband is supporting you and your children on his own, he is not a “beta” male, no matter how much in manner or domestic decision-making you may feel he resembles one. When you are in the process of making a decision, do you ask for his help? If so, does he decline to help? He may actually be leaving these things up to you out of deference, a desire not to tread on your turf, and he may not sense that you want help. I wouldn’t ask him to be generally more involved in decisions, but take each one as it happens and request his input. We all would like our spouses to intuitively grasp what we want, but that often doesn’t happen. If he is leaving discipline of your children entirely up to you, I would suggest the same thing. Let him know you are struggling or overwhelmed in the face of some problem. A wife generally knows what children need better than a working husband. You may have to let him know more than once, especially if he is busy. Be patient with this and be confident that he will eventually help. The sort of “alpha male” you envision is partly the creation of the love and tenderness of a wife, who lets a man know where he is needed.

Many women make the important decisions about home and children. Think of the husband as delegating this reponsibility to the wife. A submissive role does not mean a woman has no authority of her own. In all probability, your husband is too busy to think of these things and trusts your judgment. So you are being submissive to him in taking on these responsibilities. I realize all these decisions can be burdensome. If you are tired of always being in charge, you might say to your husband, in a moment when he himself is not preoccupied and burdened, that you often question your own decisions and feel the stress of keeping things in order.  Try not to second-guess yourself. You are not perfect and are going to make some wrong choices. Don’t judge yourself harshly if you make a bad decision. You are trying and that is what matters.

Try to resist at all costs adding up what you are doing against what he is doing. Don’t keep a balance sheet. Whenever you feel this inclination coming on, fight it. A marriage counselor I once met at a social gathering told me that there are three phases to every marriage: 1) Infatuation 2) Power struggle 3) Mature love. Here we see what’s wrong with marriage therapy. At no point should a marriage be a power struggle. To view it that way is to pervert it. She seemed to be saying this was a perfectly normal and inevitable part of marriage.

A submissive wife is someone who does not rule a husband with her moods and emotions and who devotes herself to making a man’s life better. Male authority is loving oversight and resolve, a form of detachment from the hothouse of conflict that family life often resembles. When we talk about submission and authority in marriage, we are referring to something entirely different from roles in other spheres of life. It’s not the same thing as an employer/employee relationship. It always occurs in the context of love.

In general, a woman who wants a man to be more masculine must let him see her vulnerability and weakness. If she appears always in charge and in no need of his competence, he may withdraw from the field of action. I’m not suggesting a woman feign helplessness, but that she should let him see and help him understand her inadequacies. Most men want to protect the people they love. Typically, a man will respond to a plea for help out of this natural instinct provided that the plea is not part of an attack on his character or on his past actions. A submissive wife who demands a man be in control or who criticizes him for not being in control is not a submissive wife at all.

RobertaSunset RobertaSunset
36-40, F
8 Responses Jul 3, 2011

Thank you for finding this and sharing it. Great article

you're welcome :o)

I just came across this and found it to be a wonderful, thought provoking piece. It gave me lots to look at differently. Thank you for writing it. I think it is an article I will end up reading several times.

I didn't write it, I cannot take the credit but I shared because i felt the same way reading. I'm glad you took something from it :o)

This is a great post. I have been in a submissive marriage for the entirety of my marriage. I married a man that was very clear and certain of what he wanted in marriage, and I followed his lead. I was "trained" to it. My husband spent years teaching me what he wanted me to know, making sure I understood what I was agreeing to and was emotionally equipped for this life.<br />
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I understand, though, that most couple sort of find this path later on, and that's interesting to me: How do couples go from the neo-traditional uninvolved husband/shrew wife marriage that seems to be the new norm, to the more old school traditional submissive wife marriage? Fascinating to me. <br />
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My favorite line from the article is: " The sort of “alpha male” you envision is partly the creation of the love and tenderness of a wife, who lets a man know where he is needed."<br />
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I am married to an "apha-male" (I hate labels, and they tend to make me always want to put scary quotes marks around them--sorry) and I have four sons and a daughter. From their play, this is what I have observed: males want to save, rescue, protect, be the hero; femles want to serve, love, nurture. It is hard-wired, and anyone that thinks otherwise if fooling themselves. Equality? bah! Why would I give up my superiority for mere equality? ;) <br />
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Inside every man is a hero waiting to be needed and appreciated. Figure that out, ladies, and your man will become the alpha hero of romance fantasy stature. It just takes time, patience, and lots of love.

How/why do long term couples change from neo-traditional marriage to surrendered/submissive lifestyle? Because we have realized that something is amiss, I suppose. At least that was how I felt. After the phase, which Roberta Sunset described in her post so accurately as "Infatuation", my husband and I ended up over the years with a sort of power struggle and I came to hate it so much, that I knew there had to be a solution. I realized that the only thing I can change is myself. My surrender was however the first step, which changed everything: my husband, our marriage, our family life! It should be compulsory to give a copy of 'The Surrendered Wife' to every couple on their wedding day! ;-)

It's a great book, I keep dipping in every so often so I don't forget what i've read. I like Laura Schlesinger's books too.

Glad it helped :o)

I agree, I noticed this when I began to "surrender" after I read the surrender wife by Laura doyal.

I find it very annoying when people try to suggest that you are emotionally dysfunctional, lacking in self esteem or weak in some way, because you choose to be a submissive wife. We wives know that this simply isn't true. It takes a hell of alot of strength and determination to make the necessary changes in ourselves to be the women we want to be, with Husbands who are as happy as they are and to stay on the path of being a submissive wife. We are not weak at all!

Yes I agree people ask me did I have both parents, do I have education, am i weak. Yes I had both of my parents my parents have no idea of what I do in my marriage. They love my husband and tells me all the time I have a good husband. I complet high school and college. Some people r just so judgmental . I love being submissive to my husband .

You're welcome. I believe that becoming more submissive gives you a happier marriage. I saw the changes, it's like having a cure for cancer which you just can't sit on. I know I get stick for my choices but I have to share all the same :o)

Loved this post, so true, a man can only take on a masculine role, if his woman is secure enough to share her vulnerability. For me, a lesson learned late in life. But, better late than never. :) My traditional lifestyle, would have never been possible, if I didn't recognize what needed to be changed in me first. Thanks for sharing.