3 Years And It Still Hurts

I lost my uncle to suicide 3 years ago. I remember that day so well. I came home to visit my mom and the phone rang it was my Oma calling to say my Uncle wasnt at home and left a note. I remember that sharp intake of breath my Mom had and said I'll be right there. I remember grabbing my things and jumping in the car to get to my Uncle's. I remember feeling like something was missing but not entirely. We got to my grandparents (who live next door to my Uncle) and we raced over to my Uncles. The door was unlocked and we went in. We seen his note stating he couldnt be a burden to us anymore. We went through the whole house including the attic. Mom said she could still feel him in the house. I'm not sure if it was hope that he was still alive or just lying to stay positive. After a few hours of searching the waterfront in front of his property we found him on the way back to my grandparents house. I dont remember what we found but from what was told to me it was horrific. i cant see a dark shed with machinery in it without having a rapid heartbeat and a feeling of dread.

I miss him so much. Everytime I hear a Beatles song I want to die inside. he gave me his love of music. He had so many LPs thousands of them. I wanted to keep them all so I could feel close to him still. I still feel him around at times. I know he is in heaven watching over me and playing tricks on me like he used to.

I was so angry at him for awhile. How could he hurt my family so much. How could he have done this. But then I think he fought his demons for 20 years and his illness stole him from us. I think that if he had been in the right frame of mind he wouldnt have left us. He was too sick to carry on.

I am happy to say that I was glad that he was my Uncle and I wish I could have told him more how much I cared for him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. I still listen to his records and think of him.
blanca81 blanca81
26-30, F
Apr 21, 2012