Survived - Got Through It Several Times

Please note this also appears under the group "I Survived My Suicide Attempt"

I am writing this after reading a story by johnnywillsave and it made me think of the times that I have attempted suicide. I lost my mate when I was 15 who shot himself and unfortunately, I was the last one to be with him and 10 minutes later it was over. It was not long before I found that I really did not want to be in this world any longer and my first attempt was taking my mums valium tablets. Why, well I look back and think I lost my mate, I had lost my dad years before, my mum was an alcoholic and I struggled with my sexuality and really got sick of being teased. My neighbour found me and they managed to make me vomit and that was it. It was a long time after that before I ever attempted again. Many times I would sit on the edge of a known cliff spot in Sydney and contemplate just jumping off. I was alone, mum was dead and many other things kept going through my mind but something always stopped me. It was not until my wife left me for someone else that it got to me again. This time I was determined in my mind and as tablets were the easiest to access, these became my choice. I did not think smart enough as my friends wondered why I was not at work and decided to pop around and discovered me. To me foiled again and I then spent a few days in intensive care and everyone then watched me like a hawk. Counselors counselled me, friends talked to me, I back to them and I was on my way to realising there was more to life, more experiences to have and though it would have hurt those around as they kept saying to me, most importantly it was me I hurt more by not succeeding. Jump 15 years and once more, life was ****, I was depressed as hell, I lived in a community that oppressed my sexuality, and though I had some friends I lived with, they were the opposite to me. Some people had discovered my sexuality and made life a bit difficult but that was not the reason I tried a final time. I think I was just sick of being alone. I was sick of trying to connect friendship wise with many and failing, tired of people really not understanding me and being a friend to me honestly not just because I was well known and what they could get from it. It ******* me off and I just decided that enough was enough. It was the closest I ever got to succeeding but again someone stepped in even though this time I thought I had covered my tracks well and well 2 months in hospital, 12 months of therapy (did not do much though) I got back on track. Sadly the town I lived in once word got around treated me differently and so did those that were close except one and we are still friends to this day. I left this town for better things with nothing but a backpack and some memories. I have now learnt the hard way and look back on these times and sure I was happy to succeed, though in hindsight one can see what I would have missed and though still lonely most of the time, writing down my thoughts, listening to a particular song, or just talking it out without others knowing whats in my head keeps me on track to never contemplate again (well one should never say never). I will never regret my actions and am thankful that now I can see the signs and deal with. I cannot make people like me and cannot force myself on people so I take it as it comes. Moving was the smart thing and starting afresh and not surrounding myself with too much negativity. Not always easy and thoughts still raise their head occasionally when things don't go my way but you know what? I am now happy with who I am, what I am and if people do not like that or perceive me in a way that does not suit them so be it. I am not here on this earth to please others I am here to please myself. The most important thing to me IS ME. Now I know that, nothing else matters.

Thank you johnnywillsave for igniting long held memories that I have never really brought out into the open like this and have stayed as memories for many years. If it helps anyone great if not, does not matter, it certainly helped me.
tsv01 tsv01
46-50, M
May 10, 2012