Strive. Good & Bad In Life.

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In May...my fiancee committed suicide.Even typing or saying the word suicide is hard. I think most of us in life do have the thought cross our minds...but dont fully consume what such an act can do.
My fiancee was the biggest gentlemen and would help anyone. Always with a smile and so nice and welcoming to anyone. He was the best Father Ive seen and I mean that because it was true not just because hes my childs father.
I never ever imagined he would do such a thing..he loved life and said hed always be with our daughter and I. I always believed we were destined to be together...for some reason we were meant to meet.

One day I was feeding our daughter and washing dishes. He walked out I thought he went down to the store for milk. I never saw him come back or around. I began to worry and looked outside and around. Then I opened the garage......
There he was...he hung himself. I thought....what...is this a joke?( He was always such a joker...)
I ran and cut him down and yelled and cried. Ive never been in such shock and I still am to this day. How could he? He never would want me to find him this way. He knew I had a tough life growing up poor and was molested as a child...lost my best friend few yrs before..etc.I freaked I couldnt believe it and wouldnt. Help didnt arrive for aboout 2o mins i tried cpr but couldnt open his mouth. I will never get this images out of my head.!!!..I just want him in my heart and mind how he was...
I can never even look at our photos or family pictures of when our daghter was born. Its not fair...:(

He died... and left me alone with no help, money. no home(rented home had mold problem) and our daughter who was a yr and half. Who looks just like him and was a miracle when I was told I couldnt have kids and had two misscarriages. In the next few weeks I couldnt stand to go thru things i was mentally broken. All the pictures...love notes and even everyday routines... I missed him . I missed us. To hear the detective call his mother and tell her her son was deceased will always stay in my mind. He would have never done this and he did. He did to everyone he loved so muchh.
I went to get some of things from our place since i was moving out and in with my mom to help ease the situation...and i come and things were out in the yard. Random people who were friends with my landlords went thru everything and decided what to keep for themselves and put the rest where my fiancee killed himself in the garage.

It destroyed me and still does everyday.So sick to my stomach...Its taken a real toll on me and my mothers health. He did the opposite of everything he truly wanted and believed.
He thought people who committed suicide were selfish he said before.
I know....from all this....
When one does this(suicide) they dont think what elese can happen to your loved ones to deal with. A week after bills were due..my transmission in my vehicle quit and phone quit. Was broke and had to walk allover. Everything at once...Some of the hardest days....but i still had to do what i had to do for our daughter, and also my mother. To this day i still randomly cry in the grocery store..library etc. It brands your brain..with pain.

Theres more to the act of suicide then killing yourself. Your also killing others in a sense with you. Theres good and bad life. Without bad we wouldnt appreciate when we experiece the good in life. We need to remember to stay strong for not just ourselves but others. Theres always someone that cares and needs you weather u know it or not.
BabydollT BabydollT
26-30, F
10 Responses Sep 23, 2012

Not every ones purpose is to be married or have children. Whether you have empathy from society or not there are always going to be some that are going to view it differently or be uncomfortable or associate a so called "stigma". Even though one deals with society at the end of each day you are ONE in a sense. We all are alone but that doesn't mean we can't help each other through our similarities and differences as I said in the previous post. Whether you are a direct function or aid to someone else or not we all die alone.

I have thought about that from time to time in my search in how people get through things of this nature. I feel for those who do not because I have my days where if I wasn't needing to help aid my aging mother or didn't have my young child I don't know where I'd be. But I know they need me. So much to carry on with. But I know there are many people who also may not have been in love or had children but there is usually a person someone who appreciates you whether you know it or not. Whether its a customer you help out at work day to day, a neighbor, childhood friend, teacher, classmate, boss or even a stranger who notices good in you. You may cross their mind from time to time and have no idea the effect you may have or could have on their everyday lives.
All our experiences will never be the same but WE can all identify with each other feeling alone or enduring harrowing experiences in our lives. We can learn from each other & help each other by our similarities and differences. For as far back I remember I have often felt as if I was "cursed" or "doomed" for lack of better words; so many bad things that occurred in my life. Many that were none of my control. Through everything time to time...I really didn't think I could go on...living in the pain of reality and......... I have.

Can't give up on yourself now you've come this far.


PS: Thinking of you all today. Hugs'

Im saying that in the sense remember to live for yourself and others awell. Strength is good but its not everything theres plenty more to it. We all need to know how much pain this puts everyone through aswell as the victim. Sometimes being strong is the only choice you have when you get so low but have people, or children you still need to be there for. A person needs to do what they gotta do. Being strong and reminding myself all Ive went through and Im still here...reminds me to keep going.

The hard part that few people talk about are those of us who have nobody. We never fell in love. We never had kids. Nobody will notice if we are gone. And there's something to that especially once you're an adult who is single and childless, that society has a lot less empathy towards. Suddenly there's no 'well you have a child/spouse to live for', etc. People are uncomfortable with a situation they're terrified of themselves (ending up alone with nobody) and they don't know what to say. That's why therapy has never helped me. Those therapists are all married and have kids. They have no idea what years of being alone and watching others have kids and raise families is like. It makes you wonder what your purpose here is when others clearly don't care what happens to you since you don't serve a direct, essential function to someone else.

I dislike when people say we should just "stay strong", as if somehow those people with suicide lacked strength as if the were somehow weak. When you are depressed, you cannot just snap out of it, make yourself feel better, or tell yourself to stay strong. I'm sick of people saying it.

It's hard for people who don't go through it to understand that. As it is probably equally hard for people with suicidal thoughts to understand what drives the others to say this. I think their intention is not to make a smaller issue out of it, I think it's just a cry of desperation because they feel helpless. It's a difficul position to be in on both sides, but usually we only get to see and feel only one of them.
People still have a really long way to come in understanding suicide.

Stay safe, please. Take care.

Thank you. I have been in a very dark and confusing place for many years. The last paragraph you wrote helped me-- especially the last sentence. Thank you for your words. You have helped me today.

Suicide is not selfish, it's just desperate and irrational. If you haven't learned that yet, you should. It would help you let go easier. I can only imagine what you must have felt, and still feel, but parts of your story just felt so cruel to people who think about it, and it's not fair to them either.

In not one part did I say suicide is selfish. I know what it is.. I deal with the after math all the time and envision him and what he went through. He was never ever selfish and I would never use that word to speak of him or things he has done . What do you mean parts of my story felt so cruel to people who think about it and its not fair to them either? What is not fair? Speaking the truth and being honest putting light on things that aren't so great...but I cannot apologize for saying it rather than sugar coating it.

I didn't ask you to apologize. It's just what I read in your story. I tried to kill myself and I felt judged when I read your story. I am sorry if my comment upset or hurt you in any way, it was not my intention. I felt "the other side" needs to be heard too.

I said how he felt and what he said . You should not feel judged for me simply saying what was said or true in my situation. Nor did I want to offend anyone but It is my life and my story. I was suicidal myself and done things in the past to hurt myself also. I in writing this was to help some people realize how much pain can be left to others to deal with and the immense emptiness. There is no "other side" we are all in the same boat to an extent and I've been on both sides.

Hello hello to you both. My name is william. i lost my girlfriend whom i adored to suicide, it will be 4 yrs ago in January. believe it or not, this is the first site ive happened across that appears ideal for my(our) needs and wishes(not necessarily in that order..). And my point is, its not as if i havent tried in the past particularly in the first year of my ordeal! it just didnt materialise and i accepted it, went about my days weeks ahead until i found myself looking again for 'what i was looking for'. And as we all know, time goes by and you find alternitive ways best you can_ not always best way though, eh...?!) etc etc. So, im really happy perhaps somewhat ironically( for a change, duh..) to have found this here, now. I am an expatriate from England which has definitely been a key factor in determining my support channels and all that goes along with that. I wont labour on now. Hope to be in touch in the not too distant future. thank you and best wishes!W.

Thank you thats sweet of you. I orginally posted this after I noticed few groups with immature postingsand it irritated me and with this post I just hope someone who has felt this or something like it can reach out to me. As well as any individual with suicidal tendencies. Bottling up everything inside is a sure recipe to explode. Helping one person can even make a world of difference. And helping others is what I love to do. If you need anything Im here too. No ones the smartest...so dont worry

im truely sorry for your loss, and know what you mean about the images in ones mind. some times i wish i had a time machine. one day at a time, is the best way to get over the hard stuff. im very proud of you for posting and helping yourself and others so that they will also understand themselfs as well as urself in knowing your not the only one. it takes great courage and strenth to do what you are doing. i hate how we can be so complicated at times its crazy. as a person one can accomplish many things, but together as a group we can do anything. if you ever need to talk, rant, anything ill be here i may not be the smartest person in the world but i am a very good listener.

This broke my heart. Thanks for sharing. I am suicidal, and I can't because they would have to make a second casket for my mother. I'm quite aware that it would ruin those around me, and so I can't.

Thank you for deciding against it. I applaud you and your uneasy decision. I hope you learn to love and appreciate yourself and find happiness in this world....I know its a struggle. Its a tough world...but beautiful and truly amazing too at times .Any day something amazing can come into your life. Keep your head up. Thinking of you!

I hope I do too. It's just not happening right now.

I believe you will...I know things are tough. Hard circumstances, self hate, and insecurities has plagued me my whole life not just since this experience. Now, I don't know you or your situation...but there's much more to even my story of things that occurred after his death that I didn't write that are truly heartbreaking for me to even write or think of. You can too can learn from yourself and be wise and carry on and take in strive whatever it is in life you have been dealt.
I myself in the past few months have healed a lot. You can too heal from whatever pain you are dealing with. I truly mean that. Things may not go away...but from the bad you can make good. You can make something amazing or inspirational come from it all and change or save your life or another's. Which is ALOT. Weather you are good at a musical instrument, science, writing, etc anything..... do things that drive you that you have passion for. And soon you will be driven too. Love yourself. Take Care message me anytime! BEST WISHES FOR YOU

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