The First Time.

For a 13-year-old, my mind was in a very, very dark place. This was before I knew what depression was. I probably had never even head the word "suicide."

But I knew people died by hanging.

13-year-old me was having a particularly rough experience in middle school. Looking back on it, I don't remember anything happening that was so awful that I would want to kill myself for.

Then again, that was before I understood that I have severe depression, anxiety, and suffer from psychosis.

I don't remember what happened to set it off, but I found a scarf, tied a knot in it, and tied the other end to the top of my shower. I then stood on the edge of my bathtub.

Looking back, I know now that if 13-year-old jumped, I would clearly have survived. But at the time, I was convinced that I would die.

Tears were flooding down my face as I stood there. Which was a big deal. To this day, I never cry. It's because my parents inadvertently taught me not to. Crying, to them, was equivalent to weakness.

13-year-old me decided against jumping and went to bed.

For two years, nothing like that happened again.

Then in high school things were bad all the way through. Four more attempts at suicide (much more thought-out than the first time) ensued.

But I survived each time.

So... Even though my grades were awful, and this has landed me with, according to the education system, "no chance at a fulfilling life," I'm going to try now.

I advise for you to do the same.
AndyUnartisic AndyUnartisic
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

Thank you for trying, that makes me extremely happy to hear. God put you on this earth for a reason, to fulfill some purpose even tho you may not know it yet & that's why your attempts has failed. You are love & I hope life had gotten better for you