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Feeling Destroyed

Hi, I have never written in a forum and am hoping some of you can help me try and work through this. On May 12th my close friend Brigitte who was also a brides maid at my wedding 17 years ago committed suicide. (i am divorced now) The devastation and guilt of not doing enough or being there or knowing that she was so depressed has been very difficult for me to deal with. I am not angry at her at all! I am so sad that she felt that she had no other options. I am so sad that she thought she had no other way out. I do understand that she had a mental illness and was not able to think the same as I. However after she committed suicide I found out that her husband was abusing her terribly and her sister received a letter from her about the hell she was enduring months before her death. That makes me very angry! Her sister never said or did anything. We lived far away from each other but talked on the phone. I had no idea. I have taken my emotions and am a volunteer for the transition house and help with events and fundraisers to raise awareness for abuse and suicide. in December a man that I have cared deeply for for almost 2 years but was not with him as he was trying to separate from an ex girlfriend of 30 years who was bipolar, alcoholic, drug addict, raging and scary, gambling addict, abusive etc... we were not having an affair, i wouldnt do that. We planned some things for our future but his things needed to be settled. She killed herself at their house on November 25th. 5 days before their daughter's 16th birthday and leaves another 23 year old beautiful daughter behind. The daughters found her. I stopped crying all the time about 2 weeks ago. I grieve for him and his families pain. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I got along great with her, but she didnt know about our feelings for each other. He feels destroyed. I now havent heard from him in 3 weeks. Did she destroy any possibility? I have respected his privacy and space at all times. I just want to know how he is holding up but wont call him. I just want to hold him. Will he ever be in touch with me again? I know he needs time and have spent most of the last two months reading and grieving as a suicide survivor. I love him and planned on a happy life together. How do i get through this? Do I just let him go and move on completely without him in my life. He loves me too but i know after her suicide he has also changed forever. Any thoughts would be appreciated. The pain has been excrutiating! It has been a very tough year! With 2 other friends deaths as well this year I have been very overwhelmed and consumed! It has been so rough.  I feel partially destroyed!!  
An Ep User An EP User 2 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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I agree with androgosane. Please don't isolate completely from him but he does need time to cope. So the sending him flowers with an understanding card should be enough for him to know you are in his corner. This way the connection isn't broken while giving him space.

I just wanted to respond to you, because I can hear your pain and I feel like you need to know there are people reading and hearing you. I am sorry about your loss. I think as far as this guy, he needs time to heal. Maybe he feels guilty that she might have felt hurt over what was happening with them. Maybe he partly blames you (not that you are at all to blame), just because he needs somewhere to lay his blame. I mean, she did that because she was ill because she wasn't getting something she needed, etc. It was not anything other than she didn't know how else to deal with her feelings, her emotions, her impulses, etc. I think maybe if you could at least send him a card, maybe some flowers, just say you are sorry for his loss and that when he is ready you are there for him. that's got to be a lot for him to handle and with the two daughters he just might be putting all his emotional efforts towards helping them heal. i would try to give it time. let him know you are there whenever he is ready for it. stay strong. life is full of such pain and uncertainty. you don't have to be mentally ill to suffer all this. i hope that helps some.