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Surviving?

I've tried to kill myself, I will come right out and say that. It was in part due to my depression, but I really wanted to die. It was just me. So, I took a whole bunch of pills. The thing was, my mom found me the next morning, before the pills had finished their work. They were almost done, but not quite, and it was enough time for the hospital to do their job and save me. After that, it's just been everybody making me feel horrible for what I did, like that's supposed to make me feel better. So, I act like I'm so sorry it happened, when in reality, I think about doing it again everyday. It's been almost 2 years since my attempt and I still think about it everyday. I'm just scared of not dying fast enough and being saved again, then having to hear everything that makes me a horrible person all over again.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?
SomberAngel SomberAngel 16-17, F 3 Responses Feb 9, 2013

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Yeah I tried and failed. Now people make me feel like I'm being childish and selfish. Ya know. I didn't do it because I was happy. There is a reason I was so desperate. You just need to talk to someone. And medication. It helps also

hey somber angel. suffering depression sucks - there's no other way to say it. but i have been where you are at, and it does get better. i have wanted to die many times, i have tried quite a few as well. most of the times I have just gotten sick or sent to a psych hospital, but a couple of times it was really bad. been in icu 4 or so times, and on dialysis 2, dead 1ce. i don't want that anymore. it is scary, painful, unsure, etc. the thing is, overall things get better, things get worse, but they always have a way of getting better again...you just gotta ride it out and have faith. i can say too, i don't know what you are dealing with at all, but it says you are 16-17. that is a very hard time in life. there is a lot of pressure from friends, parents, etc. some people your age can be very immature, others more mature but overall it can be hard. people like to bully, experiment, be dramatic etc. you get very unsure about yourself, about relationships, about life. but it gets easier. with age comes freedom, choice, etc. you can go where you want - move if you want- you can make friends with whom you want, you can work, go to school, etc - live alone, live with someone else,etc. i'm not saying life gets way easier, but you have more control, especially if you take advangtage of it. i guess what keeps me most from trying to or letting myself get to the point of suicide again is the uncertainty. I don't know what it will do to me. I have experienced so much fear from my attempts, so much pain, so much shame, embarrassment. and the possibilities of what could happen. i have been very lucky. i was on dialysis twice but suffered no permanent damage. no one can explain how i was so lucky, but i was. maybe next time i won't be. plus crashing the way i did - if no one was there, but had managed to get to me, from the lack of oxygen to my brain, i could have severe brain damage right now. i could be unable to type, unable to process thoughts, etc. i have suffered on and off with bleeding problems, i have suffered injuries that required operations, but all that is left of those are the scars. my body is intact and my mind is intact. many aren't that lucky. if i were left unable to write, talk, be independant, i would have a much harder more awful life than i ever have. and then i would have no control to even try to end it, i would have no way to make it better, i would just be stuck in hell. i don't want to do that to myself, and i don't want tnayone else to do it to yourself. thing is, you take a pill, you tie a noose, you grab a gun, you drink something, you slit your wrists, there is a chance you will die, but a bigger chance you will live, and out of that chance you live, there is a chance you will be a hollow shadow of a soul that can't do half the things you once could and a chance you will return to who you were - there is no chance you will become happier, more whole, better off. the only way to do that is through talking to others, hard work, reading, therapy, programs, treatment. it is hard work, but i would rather put in work and be happy than try to take the 'easy' way out and be stuck as a vegetable having others caring for me, changing diapers, feeding, medicating, and struggling to connect or understand. that would be worse than no life at all.

yes, i think about it all the time. I hope u can talk to someone.