I have and IQ of 155. I'd tell myself that I was only a little bit above average all the time until one day I found out I was functioning with an intellect in the top 5%. It's strange, because I don't feel as smart as the charts say I am. But I've also been treated for a mental illness for about a decade. There have been mixed results. I'm still here, but recovery seems nowhere in sight. I've used the suicide hotline when I don't have the guts to have the paramedics come scoop me up off the floor, raving like a lunatic, and cart me off to the cracker factory. And there are times when I make it to the hospital on my own. Mainly to keep from having an extended stay in a place where I can't leave until I'm told it's ok for me to go. There are state hospitals, and public hospitals. And county health is available, but I've never heard of anyone voluntarily staying there when other options are available. These alternatives will help people for when they are crisis and save life, but they won't prevent the problems from reoccurring. I didn't consider myself a suicide survivor until I thought about it really and hard and remembered that I have come close to dying from suicide attempts and nearly killed myself. My first attempt fell so short that I don't think it would even qualify compared to what I found out I was capable of later on. Back then I was young, an adolescent. I'd just lost my virginity and ran away from home. So I snuck back into our house, grabbed a 20 gauge shotgun, and climbed up on the rooftop to blow my brains out. It just seemed to make logical sense at the time. Although I wasn't diagnosed with depression or placed in a hospital then, after learning what they're about later as an adult, I'm glad. It wasn't appropriate then, but it seems to be working for now. Whatever I was struggling through then passed completely without hospitalization or treatment. It wasn't until later I got help for a different mental illness occurrence. Continuing treatment contributed to my suicide ideation, but it wasn't the root cause. And the help has kept me alive sometimes when I was too stubborn to admit it at the time. So I'm a suicide survivor now. Not strong emotional intent, or the number of times that I've toyed around with it or thinking about it that I've lost count, but experimenting to the point where you almost accidentally to die. You weren't sure how to go about it, and just wanted to make sure it would work. And then it nearly kills you. This was the last time I experimented with suicide. There will be no more future attempts. I find out again and again when the nightmares end, I like living. I like people, and I like myself. I can't stop depression from hitting me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks from time to time, but I know that the next time I take up the opportunity, I'll be dead.
MiloMeeks MiloMeeks
41-45, M
Aug 20, 2014