The first time I attempted suicide was at 10, my ***** doner turns out had like 5 other familys and women on the side, and beating me and my mom. I broke a Christmas ball ornament and took one of the shards to my wrist. I past out of some blood loss-no one knew. My second attempt was when I was 14 and this was right before I was committed in the mental institution. I downed a bottle of my sleeping pills with a bottle of southern comfort. My mom found me in the bathroom passed out, I woke up in the ambulance cursing at one of the medics. They had to pump my stomach. Then I started doing drugs and at 16 I snorted 36 oxycodone's in a day in my room, I had made yet another one of my millions of suicide notes. But I failed yet again with that I just past out and slept for 2 days. At 18 I was living with my now ex abusive boyfriend in a motel, just getting high everyday. I tried walking into traffic, but some stranger pulled me away from the car. Same damn thing happened when I tried to jump off the bridge, someone pulled me down and stopped me from jumping. And the last time was kind of recent. I got in a fight with my fiancé and I was in a depressive manic state because I'm bipolar and I tried jumping infront of a moving car. Luckily my fiancé saved me. I'm on a new anti depressant now and hoping that this one will work for me. I've had severe depression, social anxiety and paranoid personality disorder, and insomnia since I was young, but wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until I was 20. I still sometimes feel like I should end it all, and I'm so tired of feeling like that. I'm going back to therapy, but you cant tell a shrink that you have suicidal thoughts. I learned that the hard way when they locked me up in the looney bin. I just really hope I can get better, and feel normal and happy. It'll be a nice change than feeling so sad, and hopeless all the time
UnstableSammi UnstableSammi
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 20, 2014

I feel your Pain, just try and think positive as hard as it is, I have survived suicide, yet my friend hung herself a couple of weeks ago and the day of her funeral robin Williams hung himself.. I really feel as though if these amazing beautiful souls were just given the right attention or maybe even medication or just someone to reach out to them at the right time this heartbreaking event would never have happened... This app has helped me at times when I have just needed to speak to someone understanding. I hope you find your peace somewhere here. There are so many people on here that understand your pain and have suffered similar situations. All you have to do is reach out and ask for some guidance on here and people will be there and help you

I'd rather spend the night in jail than kill someone, especially myself. But I prefer hospitals, so I go there instead. And it seems like less than a day has gone by when I get a hold of my first cigarette afterwards. You're situation sucks. Hope things get better. I'd pray for you if I knew you a little bit better and was in the mood, but it seems like I'm going to be angry with and struggling against God until I die.

What happened to you to make you feel this way if you don't mind me asking

I assume you meant the notion that I consider there is a God and that that's who I struggle against? Because I'm weak and needy for everything, dependent for everything, and frail.

I am kind of the same, I feel as though I'm very weak, tried to take my own life a few times battled drug addiction.... It's good you go to the hospital rather than taking your own life. I got locked in a mental institution against my will once but I'm grateful now after suffering the pain of loosing a friend to suicide... Is there any particular reason you are this way? I know all my problems come from my dad abandoning me when I was 14

I guess you know what it's about. What I think you're asking this time is what did I do to make me feel this way about myself? Well, you name it, and I probably did it.

But did something happen in your life to make u feel weak and needy?

I mean was there a particular event, you don't have to tell me I'm just curious... I know exactly where mine started I even know the problems I have and how to fix them but I don't. It's like I have the answers in front of my face but instead I choose the hard way

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